I’m in my 30s. I’ve been depressed my entire life; my first memories are as early as 2 or 3, of me standing in my crib screaming my head off, wondering why my mother won’t come to me. But neither my mother nor my father ever really did. They managed to care and provide for me very well, and still be emotionally negligent and abusive. Even now, I have the emotional development of a 15 yr old. Waiting, always waiting. Lingering and hovering around my mom – I live with her now – hoping for an opportunity to sit with her, be with her, even though I know I’m just going to irritate her and she’ll push me away. I still keep doing it, even though it hurts me every time, I still keep going back and waiting, lingering. I want to to crawl into her bed and sleep next to her, have her hug me and be with me, but I know she’d never allow it. She never has.
My father moved away and started a new family. They seem to be very happy. My father confuses me. When I was a little girl, hugging and kissing him felt very… wrong. I’ve only now realized, as an adult, that my relationship with my father was not normal. There was no sexual abuse or any sexual activity of any kind, but my therapist says I behave as if I were sexually abused. Regardless, I can’t have any kind of romantic relationship with a man as a result. I swoop in, relishing in the new-love scenarios, and then I destroy the relationship, run away, and shut them out. I do this over and over and over again. It’s even worse with women; women I almost abuse. I use them and discard them. They mean nothing to me.
Approaching my middle years rapidly, I’ve given up hope of having children. I’ve developed a mild case of agoraphobia, so I haven’t worked in 2.5 yrs, now living with my mother in the middle of nowhere. All my friends and family have lives of their own, but I have nothing. Apathy. Emptiness. No ambition. No will. No desire.
I tried to cut my wrist open in February of 2011. I didn’t cut deep, I just… wanted to see what would happen, where this action would leave me, what the consequences would be. All I knew was I had to act, in whatever misguided way I could. I wound up in the ER at 2am, and then into a police cruiser to the nearest “acute care facility” aka psych hospital. It was miserable. They changed my meds completely so I was a zombie the entire time. I received nothing of value from that experience, except that in no way will I ever be returning… so I better do it right the next time. No hesitations, no squeamishness, no opening my mother’s door and dripping blood on her carpet.
I’ve had a “plan” for a long time now. When my cats pass away – they are my final obligation at the moment, the only thing keeping me here – when I’m about 40 yrs old, then I’ll do it. Then I’ll really have nothing. It’s sad that I care for the welfare of my animals more than myself. That I would think of them living after my death and what they would go through, before I think of my friends’ and family’s reactions and what they would go through, how it would hurt them. But I guess my cats are innocent. They love me unconditionally.
There is nothing in front of me. Nothing. I have no purpose, except to feel pain and sorrow and guilt. Well, I think I’ve felt this way long enough. I just want it all to end. To lay down and not wake up. I’m tired… so tired.
7 comments
Hey Missy,
You actually sound pretty self aware and actually quite together and strong, all thngs considered.
People can get in the dumps pretty easy in this life, and being isolated doesnt help anyone, even normal people go a bit bonkers, if i could use that expression 🙂
You showed some courage here in at least being brave enought to tell your story, so you have some inner qualities that are quite useful in life.
You ever want to chat/pass the time (note im from down under so time zones etc) then please feel free to say hi – just add my handle name here to 389@gmail.com for email or 389@hotmail.com for msn …always happy to chat.
Life can be tough certainly, but it’s how we handle adversity that best defines us.
Take care okay…
thank you, you’re words are very reassuring. I plan to keep writing here.
Touching stuff, very….I would check out the post entitled Woh! Or search on youtube John Bradshaw-‘Homecoming’ It will shed light on why you’re at where you are. Not your fault in any way. The stats for abuse are pretty high, and any form of abuse of any kind can throw you off the rails for later life. Feel free to msg me if you want…skype id softsoul9 Take care.
thank you, I will check out the video. and thanks for the reminder of the lesson from my pets. <3
So I watched all the Bradshaw videos on YouTube that I could find and I’m simply amazed. Thank you so much for bring this to my attention. His words ring so truly with me, I’m going to have to tell my own therapist about this… although I’m sure she knows who he is. Thank you… that’s all I can say.
Your pets are teaching and reflecting back to you and invaluable powerful lesson…to love yourself unconditionally. Your experience is not a reflection of your worth or value. Your life is worth resurrecting, that includes the lovely gal living it.
I changed the post to ‘Watch’…