… and the end game is near. It’s like walking into a cave and it keeps getting darker and narrower. I started coming to this conclusion close to a year ago. Like so many others, I had a decent and comfortable life that was turned upside down by the global economic meltdown. I’ve met adversity before and it does not scare me – I’m kind of a “roll with the punches” kind of guy.
A little background for you all – I’ve been married and divorced 3 times – 2 kids – a girl and a boy, each with a different mother. The girl is an adult and just had her own child so now I am a grandfather – she lives local to me and our relationship has ups and downs.  The boy live 800 miles away and will be 17 or 18 in a few months – I haven’t seen him since he was 12.
Both kids were effectively raised by their respective moms. I had regular interaction with my girl on weekends. And I paid my child support as best as possible as situations permitted.
I am on the downhill side of 40’s, I have chronic medical issues and where once I had a nice office job, some ill-timed decisions and financial/business failures have left me working a physical labor job that got me through college when, in fact, my body really is no longer capable of doing so (well – it is, but it hurts – a lot). My home is in foreclosure (like many others) – so I am “squatting”. And my work truck just died.
So – to wrap it all together – My truck is dead so I can no longer work my job, I had to be careful driving because my license was suspended for no payment of child support that was ordered paid at a rate when I earned 5 times what I do today and even though I requested relief several times from the courts, it was not granted. But none of it matters if I can’t drive to do my job to make money to even TRY to pay. Additionally, no truck means no job, no money, no medicines, no food, no dog food, no utilities, etc, etc, etc ad nausea
Blah Blah – poor me … NOT! Shit happens! But with the truck failure – I’ve run out of options – that’s why I’m here … I have fought off SO many tiring battles and always try to smile and take the next step forward positively. I’m weary, I hurt physically. and I’m sad that I will fail my dogs. my dogs keep me going but I don’t think I can get past this  latest hurdle.
I’m out of options – I ran the race, I fought the fights, some won some lost, but always with honor and fairness even though my foes were not. So unless there is a miracle from the God I really don’t believe in, I don’t know how to take another step – which is strange for me because I’ve somehow endured so much – but I guess like the “Unsinkable” Titanic, flooding one too many compartments WILL cause catastrophic failure.
So, I don’t really feel sorry for myself – it just “is what it is” – My “bus trip” will hopefully be executed successfully with no fanfare or rituals – I’ll just be “done” I already have a chronicle/note to tie up my affairs and instructions for the dogs. As “deadRight” says, I can take my “dirt nap” and maybe finally have no more physical pain or worry for what comes next.
Until then – I’m here to help if I can.  Stay positive and don’t give up until there are absolutely no other options 🙂
Dawg 🙂
Arf!
28 comments
People say this to me…but I can relate. You sound like a great guy. Whatever you do, keep a positive attitude and as much unconditional love in your heart for yourself as you can. It WILL help. Like a meditation before hand, if this is in fact your wish to carry out your wish.
Best of luck to you. Be well!
I totally relate to the walls closing in, btw. Cheers!
It is in darkness where we seek the light. Nobody seeks in light, but only in obscurity.
Brother, You are not alone. Don’t forget that. I will pray for you.
That sux. It sounds like you don’t really want to die though, you just feel forced out of circumstances. Is there no way you can get another job? or talk to your partners, that you can; afford the child support? My dad never paid child support, my mum raised 3 kids on her own. He was broke. I don’t understand when people can’t come to rational agreements without resorting to the courts.
Qrs,
Yep the GFC has hit a lot of people hard.
This is complete and utter, umm how do I put it eloquently, BS….”I had to be careful driving because my license was suspended for no payment of child support that was ordered paid at a rate when I earned 5 times what I do today and even though I requested relief several times from the courts, it was not granted”
The court systems are more concerned with dumb rigid laws vs simple justice and practical solutions i believe, because they have an inability to think & relate to people.
Is there maybe someone family (close or distant) that you can borrow some money from to fix your truck, or alternatively, one of your clients even? trying to think outside the box (vs banks).
Alternatively, getting a job in a “related industry” ( I don’t know, mining? etc) or “just a short term” job in a factory/construction site etc to get you thru any short time difficulties and give you some breathing space? Equally, i would suspend all spousal payments until you get back on your feet – surely the courts would have to agree? Can you get free legal aid where you live?
Try hand around mate….with persistence things can turn.
I echoe one_day …rational agreements over court agreements
@One_day No – not particularly … and I know I’ve kinda painted the picture with broad strokes. what I’ve outlined is a bulk of my “story” but there is much more nuance and detail – you may be able to glean from some of my responses on other threads. There are other identifying omissions that cause some avenues to be closed – nothing illegal or bad (i.e i’m not an ax murderer or child rapist)
I can assure you – up until the day I decide (if I decide) to punch my ticket – I will be trying to find a solution. although – having any kind of “reasonable/rational discussion” discussion with “her” is beyond impossible – but that situation only blocks off one way out – it is not the sole reason for my decision.
@SS and CJ – thanks for the kind words 🙂
Dawg
@AdAstra – trust me, my friend – I’m thinking in ways that don’t even seem logical – and since all possible means have not been exhausted yet, I am still here 😉
this situation didn’t “just happen’ it’s been a slow progressive thing – I was trying to hang on by a fingernail in hope to get a toe hold … I still hold out some hope that something will break my way … but as the title of the OP says … the Walls are closing :/
thanks for the suggestions though 🙂
dawg
Update – a light – a glimmer of hope – has presented itself – i am reaching for it – I will let you know what happens – I didn’t win the lottery but a small opportunity may be enough to get me through this hard time.
stay tuned … and stay strong – you can’t grasp an opportunity when you’e not there.
hopeful dawg
update to he update – so – i really really thought I was totally screwed when I came to this site a couple weeks ago – not the first time I’d been here but the first time I actively participate. I have a gaggle of very difficult issues to try to work through but none of them can be addressed if i don’t work … now, I have a job but that job requires transportation – when my truck broke down I had a serious problem – no transportation – now, this isn’t the first time my truck broke down – it’s an old and VERY used truck – I’ve had small issues with it and big issues hat took days to repair … but this time, this issue was the engine – my mechanic said it was about to “throw a rod” … about the only thing worse is if it actually DOES throw a rod – a “rod” is a core engine part that pushes the piston it means basically “get a new engine cuz you’re screwed”.
Now I have no savings so running out and buying a new engine is not a viable option without a guardian angel dropping about $1500 on the table – or a similar amount to buy a whole new vehicle. so to summarize – i had a whole bunch of problems hat all rely on having a job and a vehicle – no vehicle and the whole deal came crashing down around me. needless to say i went from depressed to despondent and basically suicidal – not the first time I felt suicidal because of everything else is really a great weight. I do have a “plan” and after a few days of no solution presenting itself I was beginning to re-implement my ‘plan’
Now mind you, I put the word out to friends and family for any help or suggestions they could offer – but there was very little feedback o help that anyone could offer.
Then a couple days ago – a sliver of light appeared – a former girlfriend of a friend used to own a company hat had a vehicle – this woman went back to UK earlier this year the company was close but the vehicle was “given to a friend” … well as it turned out he person who had the vehicle no longer needed it and it was “taking up space” in the driveway well after a few verification emails and phone calls – the vehicle was finally “released” to allow it to come to me to use for my work!
so now I can finally get back to work and try to dig myself out of the hole that my forced unemployment has caused – and I now officially will put my “plan” back on the shelf until and in case it might be needed in the future.
thanks to everyone who has offered words of encouragement and possible solutions. Your words and caring have been inspirational to me. i will probably not be here as much as I have been – but I will be here to try and offer any help and support I can to all of you who want/need it.
working dawg
Does this mean you believe in God now????….lmao
the truth is Dawg….God can be your coffee cup….my favorite was that movie where Tom Hanks makes his own friend and God …what was the balls name???…lol Castaway or something….blah….old and in pain too….but so much better since i came here….
you earned the miracle….you’ve created it….just don’t waste it…..i usually do….lol
one step forward…two steps back….like that….lol
make sure you stop in regular like…..don’t forget where you found your help by helping others….they still need you….and i like to think you still need them….
just saying….couldn’t happen to a nicer guy….
Dawg! I’m glad you found a solution to your problem. And as much as I like you and talking to you (I would miss you a lot), I don’t wish for anyone to be here. I think it’s great that you are able to pull yourself out of this hole with a little luck on your side. I really hope that it does work out for you and you don’t have to come back here or put your “plan” into action.
:] <3
amakua, WILSON!
That’s it GoodGirl….you’re not only beautiful but amazingly intelligent as well….could I borrow your brain for a day some time????…I loved Wilson….but eventually he figured out that Wilson was really him….or such like that…which is what i mean by the coffee cup thing…..someplace or something to take your shit too when it just all gets too much…..so in that respect we (Dawg esp.) are God….wow….so simple….
lol
Onward Wilson….Wilson!!!! I love it…. maybe we can call this the Wilson Project….lol
The Wilson Project? I love it.
And did you happen to cry when he loses Wilson? That part always gets to me. lol
And thank you. You are more than welcome to use my brain and give me a break from it. If only that were possible.
WILSON!!! lmao
no – not going to change my beliefs because I asked a 100 people if they had a solution and one actually did – perhaps its karma, or luck or coincidence … or if here is a God, maybe he believes in me despite me not believing in Him. either way – you don’t have to believe in God to learn the lessons taught in the Bible – If more people would learn about the peace, hope, love, sharing caring and helping your fellow men that the Bible teaches, the world would be so much nicer.
besides – a tire could blow out as I leave to go work tomorrow – then I’d be a tad upset 😉
FYI – I’m definitely staying here – I like “seeing” the smiles of great people
grateful dawg
@ GoodGirl……sobbed as if my heart were tearing apart….just the way i felt before I found you wonderful Souls at the Wilson Project……ahhhh….just the thought of a break from myself….if only for a day….that’s seems like heaven…..I think that’s what Anita Moorjani was trying to express in her video…don’tknow if you’ve seen it…..that is what the next dimension is like…..emotional distance even from your own chaos….heaven….but for now it remains a fantasy…must soldier on….thanks again all
@Amakua, “just the thought of a break from myself….if only for a day….that’s seems like heaven”
I concur.
@Dawg, I certainly hope a tire doesn’t blow out on your way to work. Hopefully it comes with a spare. :]
@ Dawg….are you a slow learner like me????….lol
they say you can’t teach a Dawg new tricks…ruff
but what i stumbly humbly was trying to say was….there is nothing to believe in….I am God, you are God….we are God….no old dude on the throne in the clouds…honest….you put the good out…..the good comes back…..simple….YOU ARE GOD….or Wilson if you will…..or rather….I am Wilson…you are Wilson…we are Wilson….get it??
ack….the words
Peace
and now doesn’t the world seem just a teeny tiny bit better?????lol
Yes – at times I’m incredibly dense – just ask my 3 ex-wives lol
wilson LOL yes … got it – i’m not much for the old beardy guy in the clouds either. but i have read and studied the Bible pretty good so i won’t debate a believer’s faith – although it wouldn’t be the first time that I actually taught them something 😉
gg – i didn’t check for a spare – i gratefully took what was offered … what was funny was when i told my boss I finally would be back to work – I told him the truck had signage on it and he questioned “how it would look” having me roll up to a job in a different company’s truck – I told him simply – I can come back to work for you or o work for someone else – I don’t care which – lol
thick dawg
Dawg, I’m suprised your boss didn’t say, you can go work for some body else. He must like you. lol
Dawg you commented on a post earlier today about how when you think it’s the end something comes around and delays you for another day or two. (the comment was something like that, not word for word.) That has happened to me for a third time now. Its wonderful how you have fought so strong and trying to be positive through it all. A lot of people, including me, just gave up a long time ago. You are weary, tired, and tried hard, I feel you there. I wish you the best and hopefully things work out in a positive way for you no matter where that leads you.
when all hope is lost – hug a dog and they will teach you that you are ALWAYS needed …
if you’re a woman – hug a dawg – he’ll appreciate it 😉
GG – I’m VERY good at my job – and insanely trustworthy – a quality that is hard to find in my line of work … but I am kind of a cocky bastard 😉
in yo face dawg
lol, I like in yo face dawg just as much as grateful dawg.
Good to hear Dawg 🙂
Nice 1. Good luck mate.
Dawg. If you are working now or soon, does that mean you get health insurance? if so, get the surgery. What do you have to lose. it worked for me.
Behold the first legendary Dawg thing