Hey all 🙂
ok so im not going to go into some long story about how i ended up here but iv been through a few threads and have similar experiances to some on this site, basically my illness is anxiety and depression (depression resulting from the anxiety). My questions is for everyone who has made a FINAL decision to end there life (without a doubt) no cries for help BS etc. Personally i believe no one wants to die and suicide is a choice between the lesser of 2 evils. 1. Living in misery / pain (terminal illness) or faceing oblivion with the possibility of an afterlife and a chance to feel happy again (wouldnt that be nice :))
How do you find the courage in making that final decision? are you still scared? nervous about it? or are you completley fine with dieing…maybe even looking forward to it? if you are okay with it and dont feel afriad to commit the act i would love to know how you got there through your thought process..if that makes sense…i know a lot of you are going to choose not to tell me simply because you believe you will be helping me make it easier to kill myself….but the truth is im dieing either way and your just simply helping me find peace in my final moments, your welcome to send me a private message if you want to answer the question without posting it publicly.
to all the people on here who try to help others by pulling them away from the edge..please dont turn this into one of those thread where your trying to convince me out of it….things like Life is a gift from god is complete BS imo (i live in africa and if you could see the conditions people life in here becuase of the greed / selfishness of the human race you would notice that life isnt as black and white as you may think sometimes suicide is and unfortunte but necessary requirment.
Looking forward to your posts 🙂
11 comments
I want to talk to you.
Hi! Sorry if my reply is a bit hard to understand… I’ve just finished a 9 hour long gaming session so I’m a bit woozy.
I’ve attempted suicide (serious attempts, end up having to go to the hospital) around 8 times in my life. It was usually hard for me to take that step and try to make the idea into a reality. When I tried to hang myself, I was standing on the chair, staring at the noose for 5 hours before I tied it around my neck.
There have never been “seeds of doubt” in my mind. You know how some people think of their loved ones, or their future, basically trying to find a reason NOT to go through with it? Yeah, I’ve never really had those. My problem was I was afraid of the pain BEFORE dying. I kept reasoning that I’ve lived my life in pain, I don’t want my last moments to be in pain too.
But usually, after a few days of doing nothing and just trying to live, I realize that I would rather endure that pain if it meant I wouldn’t have to continue living on in pain. It’s like, I’d take that minute, hour, or day of physical and mental agony over possible years of it.
That’s how I usually get over it.
Take for instance, my current setting now. I’ve had this plan of suicide with seeds ever since the middle of December. I was afraid, because everything I’ve read up on it says that dying this way is excruciatingly painful. For three weeks now, I’ve been debating whether to go ahead with this plan or search for another. But after several days of just thinking and not doing anything, I decided that the pain would be worth it if it meant that everything else will end.
You said ‘no-one want to die – it is the lesser of two evils’. I agree.
But I wonder how many suicidal people are making a decision that they are in control of. If a person has been driven to the point of self-murder by abuse, systems, poverty, debt etc, surely then the term ‘self-murder’ is a misnomer. That person has been murdered by our society. One million people take their own lives every year – does that count as genocide by our systems? I vote yes, it does.
Humans have a hard wired instinct to live that is hard to overcome.
Add that to the meaning added to life and death seems to be a choice nobody wants.
The thing is there are people who choose to kill themselves for a myriad of reasons.
And sometimes the reason is not terminal illness, mental illness, or being in what people would refer ‘dire straits’ or a ‘hard lifestyle’ comparatively speaking.
Maybe my first two attempts I worried about my family and associates feelings.
After my second attempt it was fear of failure and being unable to kill myself due to being locked away or having injury that prevented me from doing so.
This recent third attempt was not planned but I was under the influence of various substances and just spur of the moment tried. Failed and had to stay a few days in a local nut house until I convinced them I was okay and it was the substances I had taken.
The fear is gone. And someone here suggested I go out with a bang and that is what I am going to do. Quitting my job and living three months in debauchery and frivoloty and at then end checking out.
I have had my share of issues and comparatively speaking they pale in comparison to what some people here and who I have met have been through.
My folks taught me kindness, work ethic, and honesty as foundation principles.
And yet it seems doing those things are met with betrayal, derision, abuse, and exploitation. It just gets tiring to sometimes be able to defend and other times have to take a beating. True that is life but I did not choose this mess, but I can choose to end it.
Plus there is the fact that old age is fast approaching and it is not something I want to experience. Because no mater what my regimen is, the degradation of mind and body are inevitable. Couple that with the suffering of life and I see no point in continuing.
I actually knew this instinctively years ago hence my first two attempts. But tricky old life granted me a short term “seeming paradise” pass which actually made me rethink death. Then it said… “gotcha, you really thought the eye of the storm woudl stay calm didnt’ you.”
So I’m ready.
There are those on here truly seeking help and to them I suggest it.
But to those like me I wish a quick , painless, and peaceful end.
Yah… if I could live a life where nothing went wrong ever for anyone and there was no suffering, maybe I’d choose life.
But all suffering does is get one used to it so one can endure more of the same.
All that talk about it building strength and character applies only perspective wise.
I opt to opt out. The rewards in life for me were not worth the effort and suffering.
First off, you will not die-it doesn’t exist. All will happen is you’ll shed your body and find yourself in a different state. The better you feel before you transition, the better.
The universe supports life, so it’s best you think in those terms-everyone comes on here saying they want to kill themselves and the truth is we want alignment, harmony, joy.
So get real with that truth. The more you think about it the more fear you will create within yourself about something that happens anyway. Should you deliberately create it, however it comes about, then what’s happened is all parts of you…your head, your heart, and your gut are in full agreement that’s the path. So if there’s doubt in you, that’s an indication of something. The instinct to live is very strong so if that is your choice make the choice from a place of wanting relief and release from what you feel is beyond you, but it best be a genuine feeling within yourself-something you’re at peace with. If you had only today to live and tomorrow you realized you crossed over, would you at peace with yourself for the decision you made? That’s a pretty important thing to consider for yourself. Good vibes to you..take care
My main concern is….what if there really isn’t an afterlife, just Oblivion?
@porphyrous. Ironically one of my main concerns is, what if there is? I’d welcome oblivion – especially if I could get there painlessly.
@waitingtodie. Sorry but I don’t think I can help you. I’m still hovering on the edge. I always was a terrible ditherer.
If you believe or want oblivion then that’s what you will create. Your thoughts create your reality, so being here now you get to practice having good thoughts for when the next stage comes. Love has been written about in countless songs, poems, paintings, movies…perhaps the universe is trying to give you a big hint as to where to direct your thoughts and the message has yet to be heard.
Whether you bring it about or not, you’ll know when it happens and it’s best you’re in a positive frame of mind that is for sure.
@Porphyrous ….
I really do not think and afterlife exists. It , like many of the other things people make up to rationalize certain illogical things in life, is probably a myth. Think about it rationally. The majority of spiritual paths seem to cover all bases in regards to life. Ergo the whole idea that suffering and pain has to exist because it is a lesson/polarity/ etc.
Now those people may very well create their own possibilities of truth by believing these things. That still does not change reality.
Let us consider the molestation and abuse of children.
There is no reason behind that. There is no lesson to be learned by that innocent child. And even as an outside the only lesson I see is that people who violate kids should be executed ASAP.
And some of those children get older and come to sites like this expressing the want to die because of what someone did to them.
How is that beneficial in any fashion? And even if they live through it they are scarred for life despite therapy and it affects all their relationships subconsciously.
Not negating what the spiritual folks say but I’ll stick with my nihilism because it makes the most rational sense. And death makes way more sense than continuing to have to deal with the ups and downs of existence for me especially when the downs way outnumber the ups.
@softsoul,
i disagree.
I will die and there will be no more states.
That will be the end.
Cannot wait.
But have to stick to plan because I do not want to fail again.
wow thanks guys, it feels wierd to ask a question and get honest straight forward answers….your all awesome.
to the guys who do try and help people on this site please dont think i am against you because of what i said in the beginning of the thread i honestly admire you all and its nice to know there are people out there that do care. Its funny after about 10 years of feeling this way and basically losing my life to this illness i often thought about dedicating the rest of my life to some sort of good cause like join teams that go over to other countries to help when there in crisis but alas where ever you go it comes as well.
@softsoul im about 80% with you lol, iv probably read every book out there on spirituality and the afterlife in an attempt to convince myself that not matter what everything would be ok, to the athiest ….there is some really compelling evidence stuff not even skeptics can dispute….personally i believe no one is entirely convinced either way afterlife or no afterlife unless they have an experiance (which i havnt) @softsoul i think i read you have had a few if im not mistaken? if so your really lucky.
@aki seriously man dont hang yourself again….iv actually watched a guy hang him self in a video where they speed up the time so hours turn into minutes….an attempt to scare me out of suicide and you have no idea how bad it is……..dont do it…there are other sure fire painless ways….i promise, all you have to do is look for them but i honestly hope your story turns out to have a happy ending.
Thanks again 🙂