I feel the darkness closing in…but I
like it! I find comfort in things others
fear. Have I only now realized I’m the
square peg trying to fit into that
round hole? I’ve participated in
“normal life”, but I always feel
out of place. This is something that
has been with me since I can
remember (I’ll be 31 on wed.) Always
nipping at my heals, but not taking a
full bite…until recently. I see a dark
room, lit only with the pale light of the
TV. Me laying on the couch in cold
silence. No one around…just me with
my ever racing thoughts…blood,
flesh tearing, screaming, blackness,
death, apathy, despair. I want to go to
this place as quickly as possible…why?
Thoughts of this place is the only thing
that brings me comfort. Does that make
me evil? I am no longer able to “face
the day” as they say. I have taken at
least two boxes of cough gells everyday
for the past two weeks. Prior to that, I
took 120 tylenol #3 pills in about six
days. This has kinda been the norm for
me over the last few years…but has
ramped up since my marriage fell
apart and I lost my job. I have a college
degree and had a good job…so how did I
become a burden to my mother and
sister(although they will say I’m not).
I was astonished when recent blood and urine tests came back completely clear.
You have got to be Fucking Kidding Me!
I should be dead by now. Off to bed…as
my thoughts consume me. perhaps I’ll
find some comfort in the deep place
tonight.
BN