There has to be a difference between these two statements: “I want to die” and “I wish I weren’t alive. You know how I know? Because I can honestly say the second statement but cannot say the first. Well I can, but I don’t mean it. I know this because about a year ago (Around May) I ‘wanted to die’ so badly, and to my dismay, for the first time, (after roughly 7 years of being suicidal), I realized I couldn’t go through with it. Since that day, I daily wonder why that’s so. See, if I wanted to die, I would have made it happen. But for some reason, even though I don’t want to be alive, I cannot fathom, or muster up the courage to commit suicide. And I still can’t figure out why.
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You’re right, the statements “I want to die” and “I wish I weren’t alive” are most certainly different. There’s a huge difference between wanting to die and wanting to cease living, just as there is a difference between dying and death.
If I may voice my opinion? I think that, even though you may not fear death, the actual process of dying is what really gives you pause. While death is (supposedly) peaceful, dying is painful and scary. I think you (maybe on a subconscious level) decided that the pain/fear of dying was worse than the pain/fear of life. Your mind chose the lesser of two evils.
Feel free to tell me I’m completely wrong and to fuck off…. That was just my honest opinion.
row 1, cell 1
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@Ashley: I swear my subconscious is f*cking up my life. Jeez, it’s at the root of my misery and yet (going with your theory, which I actually think is pretty damn insightful–trust me, that’s rare haha) also the reason I can’t end it. Usually I argue people’s advice/opinion of me so I thought it was me just having this huge ego that prevented me from accepting it…but thank you, you just helped prove that theory wrong. See, I knew it was due to the fact that I talk to too many retarded people, thanks for not being one of them!
@Kenneth…….sorry, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.
The subconscious mind can be a blessing and a curse. Believe me, I know. 😛
I’m glad I could be of some help. 🙂
Oh, and feel free to email me anytime. Whether you need to talk about something like this, or you just want to have a random converstion. 🙂
amahaffey444 @ gmail dot com
Well I mean, how do I convince my subconscious not tp be afraid of dying because that fear only happens once and I have to consciously live with fear (anxiety, horrible anxiety) everyday? Actually, my psychiatrist actually told me I might be too depressed to kill myself and it made perfect sense. Cause I’ve been idealizing suicide for 7 years, and now that I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been, I’m the least suicidal. Well I still think about it everyday, but trying to devise a plan is futile cause I don’t have the courage to go through with it? I think that’s why I’m smoking…the slowest way of suicide hahha
Convincing your subconscious of something it doesn’t want is… difficult. It’s a completely different (and somewhat mysterious) aspect of the human mind, and honestly, unlike conscious thought, is very rarely fueled by logic. I don’t really have any useful advice to give on the subject because I truly don’t know.
I had/ have the same problem with suicide. For me, I think it had something to with the depression causing me to stop caring… about EVERYTHING… even offing myself. Indifference is difficult to deal with.
Thinking about suicide and actually making plans are very different. You may want think a little bit more about the fact that no actual plans have been made.
And lol. I made a post a few days back about smoking, and about how I’m subconsciously slowly killing, or at least harming myself by doing it. It’s an interesting threory, but ultimately a silly method, considering mosts suicides are done in such a way that provides the least amount of pain and suffering… while death by smoking is a horribly painful and drawn-out experience.
Just wondering… how old are you? (I’m 19, by the way)
Exactly. Losing the desire to do anything probably does include suicide. That’s lame. Or not? Who knows? Eh I got over the plan making phase last year in Feb. actually. That was the last time I wanted to commit suicide and went through the motions of planning and going to the location and everything, but I couldn’t do it. That’s coincidental about the smoking thing haha, cool. I’m 21, 22 next month. You?
Wow oops totally didn’t see the parentheses til I clicked the button, nevermind haha.
turned 19 last november.
And the loss of desire/motivation/whatever may be the worst part of depression. The other symptoms are bad enough, but then, to add on to everything else, you can no longer find any sort of pleasure in your normal activities.
And, I didn’t really think about it before, but isn’t it just so wonderfully/horribly (you decide) ironic that a person can get so depressed that suicide doesn’t even appeal to him/her?
lol. didn’t see your second comment until after I posted mine. 😛 That seems to happen a lot to me.