back again, like I could ever leave this place. My sober side want’s to quit but my high side wants to try. I’ve been tired of drugs, but they keep me around. I really am well adjusted, just so fricken lazy. I feel like something else; I don’t want to be human. This life seems so stupid and it’s so long, every day all day, living breathing. Everything is so tiring. I’m afraid to stop taking drugs because then I might kill myself, and I won’t get to play with the playdough that is my life.
I have moments where I enjoy things but rarely when I’m sober.
I just don’t enjoy anything anymore. It’s not the drugs Im sure; I’ve always been this way. I’ve been saying “what’s the point” since I was 8. I just never understood the concept of doing things; nothing is pleasurable.
Could I be a demon? I don’t believe in fantasy and magicks but what the hell am I? I’m only happy when others are down. I wish I could stop being, I wish I could stop being. I’m the last of an extinct breed; the diabolocal are either at the helm human civilization, dictators and the like, or dead. I want help, I really do, but nothing penetrates me. The second that I have a moment alone, my brain reminds me of the facts: that i’m all alone, that the people out there are nuts and don’t have my best interest in mind, that I’m the only one who can get me what I want.
I feel horribly, horribly. Can depression manifest physically as aches and pains and migraines? ugh… this is not what I want. I want to die, but I’ll get high because it’s easier.
Anything worth doing is going to be hard…
2 comments
Yes.
Depression actually can cause pain in the body because it is stressing your body to the point that it is just like having a disease.
I get migraines. I was tested for cancer and pregnancy but was negative. I cannot be pregnant anyway. But i get sick in the mornings a lot. I feel the same. I cannot laugh anymore. I used to think i was lazy. The truth is that trying is so stressful, i get sick with migraines, vomiting, so i was too scared to try and used to sleep my life away. I have been homeless twice so it did not work for me. I do not want to be here another 50 years. I am over it like you are. The thought of being around this place that long freaks me out. It is hard for me to give advice when i am going through the same thing and do not know how to get better myself. Sometimes, i think maybe i am just immature and need to grow up and suck it up but when i get physically ill and i am told i have an illness? It is all very confusing. How can you be logical with an illogical disease ?