So I’ve ended up isolating myself socially, to some extent. I stopped going to work, and I stopped being honest with the people who actively try to make me feel better. I just say that I’m okay, although I don’t really know how I feel. I try not to think, because when I start doing just that, I remember how much of a failure I am, and that I really should just end it. And that’s the only form of solace I’ve got. “Well, it might be bad, but I could always kill myself, so it’s okay I guess”.
I don’t really want to tell anyone how I really feel, because I have no hope whatsoever that anything they do or say will help me. I’ve heard it all before, and according to my experience, even if things get better for a while, it all goes to hell eventually. So don’t try to make me feel better, you’ll just piss me off.
Still, it would be nice to actually get rid of this crap. Too bad I’ve convinced my therapist I’m happy, and that I care too much about people to actually off myself.
That last sentence got me thinking: I’m keeping myself alive for someone else’s sake, but maybe it’s better for me to actually get it over with, instead of telling them how I feel and having them worry about me. hey can’t help me anyway – I’m the only one who can do anything about my life, and I don’t really feel like doing it.
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I wish you knew how normal feeling like that is for so many people. Life is hard, we grow up thinking that getting older only has advantages “I can’t wait to be a grown up, so I can do whatever I want”. What they fail to explain, or we are unable to understand, is that we had it made when we were children! In some ways! Concepts were more shallow, and then, reaching adulthood, we have to dive into this life that turns out so very different from what we had fantasized about it being. Sometimes it takes a really long time to process things, and that does not by any means mean we should just give up. It sounds really good sometimes, and easy, but we are really only kidding ourselves.
My uncle’s death anniversary is on the 26th of this month. 3 years, and it still is as shocking to me now as it was almost three years ago. It is awful. I wish I could have done anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to prevent what happened to him- of what he did to himself.
Please allow the people who love you, and care about you, help you. I know it’s hard- trust me I have been there. Please trust yourself enough, take a risk, and let them in. They are human, they will make mistakes and you’ll want to give up again, but if you open up, someone will be there for you. Please consider it! What do you really have to lose?
I promise you that your loved ones will feel like me- knowing that all we had to do was to care about something we knew nothing about. Please let them know!