This is my first time here, and all I want to say is that I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt myself. Last year my dog, my grandma and my dad died, it was like hell. It’s hell. I know how stupid it could be if I try to kill myself and fail. Once I took lots of pills because I was raped, I didn’t know how to ask for help and my mother just told me that I was a ***** and I wanted to be raped. I fell in love with my brother, he asked me to live with him and forget about what happened… it’s so fucking crazy, but if someday I decide to kill myself I’d take more pills… or some kind of poison.
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Four possibilities after you die:
1. You disappear.
2. There’s a heaven and you go there, and everything is good.
3. There’s a hell and things are worse than any of this sh*t you’re experiencing.
4. You reincarnate and go through life again.
You have gone through a lot this past year, it is a lot for your brain to process and work through. A lot of traumatic things! When that happens, we can get a little backed up emotionally, which causes things to become confusing. I think that’s what you are feeling now, especially with your brother. You are confused because of the rape, (I’m so sorry you had to experience that, don’t listen to your mother- but do be aware if you used any substances that night, to try to limit yourself on those).
You need a while to re-group after tragedies happen- it isn’t fun, and it is hard work. You probably feel like no one understands you, and never will. I still feel like that sometimes! But life will get better, please just hold on a bit longer.
Try to find a new hobby that will get you out of the house and away from your mother. Go take pictures, try to learn to paint, join a club at school. Something to get your mind off of how much life sucks right now. Make some friends, I know that can sound awful and impossible, but it really isn’t. Just gotta find the right people.
Try to journal a little bit, get your emotions down on paper, and re-read it occasionally, just to see how far you have come, or if there are issues going on that you haven’t really picked up on?
Liz is insightful, try to find yourself again. Sign up for something you always wanted to do and never felt like you could. Yeah you may not be good at it, but sometimes it is good to just do something, even if it just makes you smile at yourself, in a good way.
its so unrealistically twisted and confusing problem that you are facing i guess ,, im sorry for you. i dont want to be bad toward your mom but it is clear that she had made terrible mistake to say heartbreaking words to her daughter who just got hurt so badly in heart and body,, i want to say what had happened to you is Not your fault at all . be clear to that. it could be that you accidently fell down on a piece of shit but it is never your fault, right? if you had dirt on your shoes and clothes you know what to do. wash it off. i hope that you would recover from your previous bad memories and keep your life going on. i say love is good but maybe you are misintepreting the emotions with your brother. first making your soul and ego more healthy could be done. how? you maybe find joys from your hobbys or music. like what liz said. just hope youget better. take care!!