Relapse

Things were starting to look up, but it’s all coming crashing down. I was getting stronger, not having the violent and/or scary thoughts anymore, my grades were getting better, and I was just starting to go back to my old self. Today I realized that I’m apparently not ok. A girl working in my group on a project we presented today shoved my copy in my face snobbily sarcastically thanking me for my help. I tried to help write it in class, but she took it home and never contacted the rest of us like she was supposed to, so she ended up doing it in study hall. I tried to to tell her I did help but she wouldnt have any of it. I felt myself begining to snap. I’ve never broken down over something so stupid, nor have I broken down in classs…but it must have been building or something because I could feel the frustration at the brim and I was starting to shake and the convulsions were going to start. I coudn’t let anyone see me like that, so I frantically tried to find a distraction to calm myself in some way. So despite my promise to myself not to act on self-harm, I jabbed a mechanical pencil into my arm and dragged it. (Luckily it didn’t pierce the skin.) The shock of pain was enough to change my craziness temporarily. My friend saw me, and looked at me suspiciously so I knew I couldn’t hold it much longer. I asked to go to the bathroom, where I proceeded to have my violent convulsions and shake all the frustration out. There was a red welt on my arm from the pencil, but not open or long enough to provoke suspicion. So, now I’m back to square one with suicidal thoughts. I’m worse in some ways than when I started. I’m actually harming myself now. I need this to stop, and I showed my trustworthy friend, who worries for me but discourages me from telling many others, especially adults. Where do I go before it gets any worse?!