I want to die. I don’t understand why, but I am getting so close. I am only 16 year old… but in the past year I have completely fell apart mentally. Starving, vomiting, cutting. Flashbacks, tears, pain. I’m so tired of it. I am in counseling but I don’t want to open up. I can’t open up. I’ve really tried, but it’s so painful. My parents didn’t care until they were forced to. I don’t talk at home. The last few months I have been trying to hold on for everyone who loves me. I am trying, trying so hard to focus on that. No one knows I want to die. I don’t want to tell anyone, because I don’t want to be forced into help for this too. Some moments I am so happy, but it seems like every night I cry. Desperate tears. I pray to God for strength and thank him for my battle because I know it will only strengthen me. I feel stuck… trapped with thoughts I want to escape from. People don’t realize that my laughter hides my pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to end it. Recently the only thing that comforts me into falling asleep is the thought of what it would be like to die. It makes me feel so guilty, so many people are dying that shouldn’t be, people who wish to live so badly. I was given a life, so I should live it to the fullest. Suicide is so selfish and I’m not a selfish person. I just need relief…
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I understand that it can be overwhelming… and I can only imagine the level of pain you’re experiencing. That is a lot to work with at 16. I know a lot about laughter hiding pain. Nobody… and I mean nobody… has any idea what I’m going through. Even people who probably should know don’t know.
With that said, I have hope and faith that things will get better… and I have hope and faith in your situation, too. You said it best… You were given a life and you should live it to the fullest. Sometimes things get really difficult and hard to deal with. It’s usually not permanent. That chapter ends and another one begins. The light appears.
At 16, your whole world is ahead of you. After high school, college, the military, or the working world begin. You can go down a completely new path… make some new decisions… and experience a different path in life. Don’t give up! Use this time to prepare for that. If you can, reach out… Talk to someone… Even here, a lot of people will listen.
There is always hope and a solution. Please keep trying. You’re not alone.
Thank you for the support.. it really did make me cry. But after I posted this I went into the bathroom and cut myself… I don’t do that like ever… it scares me. because i know it’s not okay! now i have like marks on my leg… marks that i created. i like the power of laughing. it just makes everything better. i will keep trying my hardest. i hope you find strength as well 🙂
No one knows what I qo threw cause I cover the real me with smilinq all the time and lauqhinq all the time.No one will ever suspect a thinq,except us cause well we know why.My smile covers a lot,I like that cause It’s so true,I think I told you that already?haha.
I feel like I owe it to the world, to keep a smile on my face. I owe it to my family, my friends, my teachers to pretend to be happy. So that even if I don’t make it, they will always remember me as happy. and yeah you told me.. it made me smile 🙂 a real smile 🙂
OMG! Sorry, I read this post and I almost cried. This is exactly how I feel..although I am now way past the facade of laughter and happiness. I live in a constant state of torment too. I wish I could say things that are supportive. I wish I could say that it gets better..but I really don’t know if it does. I can tell you however, that if you do experience moments of happiness, then maybe there is a tiny ray of hope and maybe you have something worth hanging on to. Maybe you are driven by your passions? Maybe you find happiness in something? It is something to think about. But I can definitely relate to how you are feeling as I feel the same way. I cannot seem to just be happy like a normal human being..but then again who is normal?
Just know that you are very young and there may be something worth living for in the future. If you ever want to talk…I am here for you :)!
I am glad I am not alone. I laugh and smile a lot… distractions to all my problems. My favorite thing to do is make other people smile and laugh. It is the best feeling in the world, to know that you have made someone else’s day 🙂 My psychology teacher tells me that all the time “No one is normal, we all have a little bit of crazy in us.” Right now that teacher is the single adult in my life that I trust. The other day I went to her class after school, wanting to rant for hours, but she had to leave quickly because she had an appointment so instead she hugged me… that hug spoke a million words. That hug made me cry, because things like that make me realize how much people care. But tonight I considered lying to her… telling her I had improved immensely and pretending to be perfect.. just so this could become a secret again. I also considered starving myself to death, contemplating whether or not that would be considered suicide. I don’t really know what I’m doing with myself. But right now I am just going to focus on this moment.
Does thsat count me for to missunderstood?I wanna qet some of my next post off my chest.
When i read this i suddenly didnnt feel all that alone, and i have to thank u for just posting this! I am also the funny one, the one that makes people laugh and is always smiling, sort of the class clown but i even make my teachers laugh, but behind the happy go-lucky facade im so depressed i just want to curl into a ball and hide somewhere no can find me where no can hurt me…nobody knows about it either and im trying so hard to hang on for my family…but its so diffucult to pretend to be ok. Its really good u have a teacher u can rely on, i had one of those rare good teachers that actually care but i moved…i hope u find strength and happiness 🙂