I posted a few months ago when I was in my most depressed state. I tried to electrocute myself with a toaster but the cord didnt reach the bathtub, so I then tried hanging myself in the closet with a power strip but i ended up passing out and slipping out of the cord.
All of this over a breakup. Sounds ridiculous right? Well thats what I get for falling in love. Honestly right before the breakup it looked like marriage was our next step. It came out of nowhere, and maybe thats part of why i was so hurt.
When we first met neither of us had anything. both living with parents, neither had job, car or school. Then we built our lives around each other. We helped each other get everything we had ever wanted. She got a great job through a reference of mine, and she was so supportive of me when I got my license and started school. We got our first car together, and our first house. I wont go on, but I quickly fell in love with this person.
Well she broke up with me, and only later did I learn she was cheating on me with her crackhead ex who used to abuse her. I let her keep the apartment and most of my stuff because I knew it would help her. Now im homeless, barely scraping by. I am still in college, and the worst thing is, we work in the same office. I also have classes with her. She parades around new guys she is with and i cant do anything but bury my head and fake a headache.
So its been about 5 months since it all went to crap. I still find myself wanting to just die. I really cant see any other way around this. I love someone who used me and hates me. Coming to college and meeting her WAS my second chance at a good life. And now what? I dont trust people anymore, ive become a recluse and, well, I live in my car.
I dont believe in the afterlife or in a plan. If everything happens for a reason, what reason is there for taking everything away from me? I feel horrible everyday, and I miss the life we had so much. The obvious answer is to just get over it. I havent been able to and I dont feel as if im in control of myself anymore. I couldnt start over again if I had the will to, the charming, funny indvidual was is gone, and I just cannot seem to be myself again. Its like there is nothing here anymore, My identity is gone.
I dont mean to ramble, so the point is, I had access to a gun. a .357 to be exact, and I couldnt do it. Ive longed for a gun to make it easy for months, but I just couldnt manage to do it. The only thing stopping me was the thought of it hurting her. I doubt it would, but the possibility stopped me. So I feel as if im at a cross roads. But I dont know where to start. I go into emotional setbacks where I come close to doing it, but somehow Ive stayed alive. I took half a bottle of sleeping pills, and was vomiting foam and blood for hours. My body obviously has the will to live, I just need to find mine. Im not asking for an answer really, or even help. I just want to know that there is someone else in the world who understands what the hell is happening to me, because I dont.
10 comments
Hello young man.
I have read it through. The issue here is an extreme degree of emotional dependency from you to another person, not because it is Her, but it would happen to you with any other relationship. This emotional dependency takes you to nullify yourself as an individual and even take it to serious suicide attempts. You have left off all your possesions and given them to someone cruel, ruthless and careless. You write ” I felt in love with her, …love..love” but definitively neither was it love from your side, not from hers. In one of my books I write about precisely this case. The cruelty being exploited by one of the parties and the total submission by the other. It truly is a sado-masochistic relationship. By submitting yourself to the other person, you develop sort of a “mother” for yourself in her person.
I fully sympathize with you and I think now you have taken the first step towards solving this problem. When you wrote “I am unable to control this myself alone”, you have acknowledged that there is something wrong here that needs to be fixed with the help of someone familiar with this. The case is straightforward and you must sit together to discuss with someone available to listen and return to you the full trust in you that you have, the respect for yourself, the appreciation of your values, and the protection of all the good that it is in you.
In fact, you are the one who is going to come up as a winner out of this. What she has done has no solution for herself, but in your case, now you are going to start a transformation of your own vision about yourself that needs to be there before you start a relationship. What I am saying is that the problem existed in you BEFORE you met that girl. And you should not start another relationship until you appreciate yourself as much as but not less than what you will appreciate your next partner.
Do try to relocate yourself from your job place as the vision of her is going to be annoying and will difficult your release from the trigger that is your former “girlfriend”.
Aside from that, women dont like submissive men or weak men. A man can be sweet but that should not be linked to being weak.
Do get a counselor and since you have well described your case here, print it out and read it out.
Reminder: do not focus on her. Do not fantasize about what you think she is or was because it will all be misrepresented in your mind and will get you depressed. Now your mission is yourself. To transform yourself, shield your dignity and values. Then you can start another relationship (and claim damages and apartments from that EX …)
As I often say, I am not a psychologist. I wrote it to the best of my ability and if I have failed to express myself appropriately, forgive my lack of talent.
Let us know what you have undertaken as positive actions. (and put away those awful guns and instruments and ropes from sight. Out of your sight all that)
warm greetings
Al
If there’s one thing I understand it’s that situation. Sacrificing everything in my world to a woman; my home area, my job & job connections (which used to be very good), I moved 1,000 miles away to live with her in an area foreign to me at least, so the only thing I could land was a dishwashing job, and on that I managed to last 3 years making minimum wage (never any raises) paying for a studio apartment all by myself for me, her, her brother, her mother, and our newborn! All on one income! It was miserable and none of them would ever look for work, notice I said this went on for 3 years! Eventually it broke me down so much as a person that I became abusive, suicidal, and made an attempt on my life and had a nervous breakdown. Her mom and brother must’ve had something going secret on the side because one day they all abandoned me and left me alone in that little cramped studio apartment. They got a nice big apartment on another side of town and when I’d go by there to visit my daughter they wouldn’t answer the door most times and I’d have to sit there crying in front of all their neighbors for 15 minutes before they’d answer the door. They’d only let me see my daughter for an hour at a time tops, I’d take her to the beach and have to bring her right back.
That’s when I finally gave up, had a nervous breakdown, quit my dishwashing job, and became homeless. In fact it hurt me so bad that I had a heart attack a year later at 22 years old! The worst part for me was being alone, whether in an apartment or out in nature, either way I was stuck with my thoughts wondering: “Am I really this useless? What is it about me that could have people treat me like this?” So it’s been 8 years since then and have never been mentally well enough again to get back onto my own feet. I knew that suicide was my best option all along but I’ve just been sort of a wandering nomad for years, staying in shelters, sleeping in fields, seeing if by some chance I might meet someone like a soul mate. It never happened and by this point I’ve simply had enough. There is a limit and I am it.
I don’t know what to say really, I’m not sure if it will ever get any better. After 8 years I don’t even care that I will be leaving 2 kids fatherless, that’s the reality they’ve been facing anyways thanks to their selfish mothers! So, maybe they’re right, maybe I am as useless as they’ve all said, and now I get the chance to really prove that. Just be glad you didn’t have any kids with her, maybe your situation has a 50% chance of getting better. Good luck, and read Lin Yutang’s the Importance of Living, that makes homelessness 200% less miserable.
@ Haunts All. You are a young man still. Fully fit. The soul mate comes after one is settled with some means. Once you have that. You choose your women. If you have been able to make it through this 8 years so difficult, then you can do anything in life. So, instead of saying, this is the end, say, it is the beginning of my new life. Get another job and you are going to see such a transformation in yourself that it will heal on its own. What you need is to break up with your situation of passivity.
I know you may know all that. But, still.., see if you can start this Monday to look for a job.
Warm greetings
Thanks for the advice Justalvaro, but I’m afraid there’s a little more to my situation than I’m able to type about on an online forum. “Fully fit”? I wouldn’t doubt that I appear that way online in text, but it’s one thing to read about someone else’s pain in text, and another matter altogether to have to live it day to day. Thanks for the encouragement though, I know you’re just trying to help.
I’m sorry but I have to play this song in dedication to this thread:
Moby – Porcelain (as featured on the major motion picture the Beach)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyCP05ABbJE
Haunts,
Try to let go of the thought of your daughter being your possession and
liability. I’m in the same kind of situation too. You’ve tried hard, and it didn’t work, there’s not much to be done about it. I know it deeply.
All I could do is to detach myself, not to think about it. If my girl wants to see me, fine. If not, still fine. She’s already in a situation without father’s parenting, if she’ll listen, I’ll teach; if not, I leave it be.
If I keep on expecting her to be good in my view of points, may be I should first kill myself.
Maybe you should, see, now you’re understanding my perspective. If everyone on this site is labeling suicide as wrong and demonic, and the psychiatrists as godly angels, then you can label me the devil himself. Nevertheless, good advice you gave there Fire, and a philosophy like that is what got me through for so many years, however I no longer see the point. Are all your lives that great that you want to live on this planet so badly? What do you live for, television sitcoms at the end of the work day?
@Haunts All: like you and alot of people say on the site; i understand you, sad thing is I’m only 17 so when I’m dead there’ll probaly be a story somewhere “teenager to lazy to live”, maybe I am just lazy and have justified it by thinking about the crap points about life, if it weren’t for religion, TV, the hopes of being a celebrity millionaire etc. then more than half of the population would probably kill themselves. but like i said i can’t go back to my previous state of mind before i started thinking like this.
No I hear that, totally agree and when it comes to my relation with the current state of the world, yes it’s true, I’m lazy. I have no career goals and basically no goals of any kind except escape. But I’m not lazy in general, people dread going on “easy” hikes with me because an easy hike entails 5-10 miles with 2,000 ft. of elevation gain, much like yesterday’s hike. This is only because of coffee though, without it I would lay in bed with headphones on listening to music permanently, much like a corpse. I’m too lazy to live as well, but I don’t blame that on myself any more, I blame it on my depression which was caused by the reality of the grid.
love.
Love hurts xD yeaaa to the point..Well I see your in deep pain, It’s ovbious you love her. And to say at the most.
Your a amazing man.
I mean do you think most guys would give everything up for a girl? To give up a house, your heart, everything to see her happy?
Truly amazing. And sadly the thing is she didn’t see that, now I’m still small and all but I know this. Dude your one heck of a cool dude and someday you’ll find another girl. This time that girl and you will treat each other right and you’ll marry her.
You may not forget about this gir but, heck she missed out! You are truly amazing and I hope that something anything brings you courage to live on, and to see what the future holds.
I bet you’ll meet another girl…might not be like her….you may not even love her as much as you loved this one.
But heck! That girl will treat you right and over time, you’ll love that new girl more than anything and the other girl, she missed out boy
she missed out….