I have been planning for months. I told my friends and they don’t believe me. I told my therapist and she thinks I should go on medication. I have borderline personality disorder and ever since I have been diagnosed with it it has made me feel even worse. I never wanted an excuse. I don’t want to know the reasons why I act. I don’t want to realize that it’s my fault everyone has left me. So I’m done. I’m going to buy a couple bottles or boxes of pills from several stores so they can’t restrict what I buy. I’ll get alcohol from guys I’ve been meeting online. I’ll drive myself out to the middle of nowhere and abandon my car and phone, getting myself lost. I’ll drink the alcohol and take all the pills. I’ll die slowly and painfully somewhere no one will find me and I won’t be able to find help. I deserve a painful death. Why not die painfully when my whole life has been that way? It makes the most sense.
I asked my friend if she would take care of my cat for me when I’m gone. She said okay. My other friends gave up on me or don’t think I’m serious.
The day I’m going to do it is my birthday. I picked that day because it’s probably the worst day of the year for me, and has been since the day I was born. It marked the beginning of my horrible life, it marked the day my closest friend sexually abused me, and it’ll mark the day that I die.
Posting here may be a last ditch effort or something. I dunno. Maybe get my story out somewhere. Like a suicide note or something when the police search my computer or something.
4 comments
I’m sorry to hear you want to do this on your b’day, but i respect your decision. Do you honestly want to go out in pain though? over the counter medication isn’t very good for this (at least in Australia where I am from)
Yes I do. I know it can take possibly hours for it to work. I don’t think I deserve to have a peaceful death. But, if I do choose to chicken out on the pain aspect, I have a friend who is a diabetic and I’ve read that if I can get one of their syringes I can inject air into my bloodstream.
I don’t know how old you are but, I don’t believe anyone was brought into this earth to suffer. You deserve better than those in your life whom don’t even take you seriously enough to know that you actually intend to follow through with your plan. I say you should try to drastically change your life this week to see if you still feel the same way next Saturday. Deviate from your original schedule and do something that makes you feel so alive.
I can’t drastically change my life, because if I drastically change my life in order to keep myself alive, then I will screw up that life. I am a college student and I have tests to take. I’ve already screwed up my grades once when I was caught trying to kill myself and had the cops called on me. I went from a 4.0 phi theta kappa and sigma delta mu student to who knows what now. But grades aren’t my problem in my life, don’t think it’s something like that. My other problem is money. The drastic changes I want to make involve moving out into someone else’s place but I don’t have money or a job. Aside from that I don’t have anywhere to go anyway. There’s no other drastic changes I can do aside from taking my life. I think the pain I would feel as I die would make me feel the most alive.