It is ‘down’ town tonight here [on the other side of the world from most of you]
I guess most people realise eventually that they’re totally alone, it’s how much that reality gets to you and how long you have it going through your head.
I’ve had clinical depression on & off most of my life, my wife just doesn’t get it, sharing it with ‘friends’ it ends up consuming the relationship, my kids have seen all their teenage years watching me struggle along.
The only thing I’d like from here is somehow to connect a bit, have some things in common with others, like i feel i have to ‘pretend’ so much in my life, because the real me is too much for most people, the real me doesnt seem to fit much into this world.
But leaving this world would create too much pain for my children & whats the fucking point anyway? Theres about as much chance of an afterlife as a casino going broke. And if there was, who’s to say I’d be rid of my problems anyway.
Still leaves me feeling alone, down & hopeless though.
3 comments
It’s rough fighting depression and 9 times out of 10 the other person can never REALLY understand what you are going through no matter how hard they have tried. Have you tried counseling or medication? Just curious. I too have been clinically depressed for 6 years and I feel like as each year progresses so does my depression.I want you to know you are not alone. I feel in some ways the way you do. &there are so much more of us.
Wow, I couldn’t have written it better myself. Only difference is, I don’t have a spouse. I liked how you said it “consumed friendships.” I can certainly relate.
Thanks for the comments people. Yes, I’m on Effexor & I see a pretty good therapist [well the best Ive seen in a history of about 30 years!!]
Apart from a genetic predisposition on my mums side of the family, with this therapist we’ve identified that strong environmental factors for me were an abusive & [sexually?] jealous father & a ‘smothering’ mother. I just wanted normal love from my parents but my dad scared the bejesus out of me & so when young I ‘clung’ to my mum more [which suited her fine]
My father had a real chip on his shoulder about being the eldest in his family and me, as the youngest [like I had a choice] copped it from him, verbal & physical abuse. He really was insane at times.
Weirdest was that when my mum gave me a hug when he was around I sensed a real jealousy of me like I was his rival. He would get really pissed off which sort of screwed up my relationship with my mum too.
As an adult, real triggers for me have been relationships, like me seeing a woman as someone who’s going to save me, like my mum did from my dad, like putting her on a pedestal. Anyway thats been 1 of my main triggers for depression, but once you’re in it, triggers havent mattered all that much for me in trying to get out. I’m currently on a 6 year bender too
Withe the ‘consuming’ friendships thing, its like once you bring it up its like they then see a huge bubble coming out of your body from then on and they either pretend its not there at all or they wont talk about anything else.