My Story

I joined this community because I was at a loss.  I have not been able to find support groups in my area or surrounding area.  Since finding this site, I have felt some form of connection with individuals who understand and are struggling too.  My story started the day I cut a bit too much and had the gun up to my head.   Then next day, I had been admitted to the hospital for 7 days, and treated for cutting and attempting suicide.  The amazing thing since I have been out which has been approximately a month, I wish to God that I would have carried through with it.  I actually am mad at myself for not pulling the trigger!  I received a letter from my employer (whom I was on Short Term Disability) stating I was terminated.  I only have 5 months of unemployment.  Everyone is asking me what are you going to do?  I have been looking for jobs, but I live in MI so that is an excruciating effort as MI is a pathetic job state.  I have a home that I am scared to death I will have to say good bye to.  I have 2 dogs who keep me going, as to many individuals pathetic nods, I have said yes, my dogs have kept me from the grave.  I can’t say my family one sister and a Godmother have not on more than one occasion, pushed me to the knife drawer since I have been out.  Neither one of them understand, they just tell me its the cowards way out, do you really think WE would be better off if you killed yourself.  What about me?  Why is it always about the survivors?  I am 40 years old, never have not been employed, saved my house from foreclosure (I was laid-0ff from a job of 10 years) and got another within 3 months…that was just before the econ went down the drain.  I have made through a divorce, miscarriage and now all this is facing me.  I have buried my father, mother (within a year of each other), and my brother who was brutally murdered.  Some may shake their heads and say “yea, right” but that has been my life.   My Godmother states leave the house move into an apartment and get rid of the dogs.  Little does she know that I have more intelligent conversations with them that I do with her!  Since she and my sister are both disconnected individuals, there is no support emotional, offer of financial help or otherwise.  Please pray for me as I am struggling between not having medical insurance and figuring out how to pay for my meds, and scared to death of the next day.  Going to bed at night leaves me laying awake, wishing that day I would have slipped just a little deeper with the switch blade across my wrists or pulled the that shiny trigger on the gun.