3_bringitback

I broke my razor today, which isn’t much of an accomplishment, I suppose. It just felt like a step forward.

I’ve been feeling better these past few weeks, maybe it’s because I’ve been socialiseing alot more than I used to, but I’m afraid that it’s come to an end. My friends, well, they don’t make the time anymore.

‘I’m at Angelas.’
‘I’m going down to Soccy park’
‘I’m busy’
‘I have to look for my phone’

It’s not as if I stood beside you guys, not as if I helped you with your minute issues, not as if you actually gave a damn. Hm, not a problem, […]

It’s mybirthday in 6 days, not really excited. No-ones asked me what I want, so I assume no-one intends to get me anything. Don’t mind, it’s not like it’s a special day or anything, it is just me. xD

I thought of going to Stirling for shopping, but I don’t think anyone would want to come. Emma’s having more fun with Angela, I don’t mind that either, she should hang out with people who’s company she enjoys after all. Zoe… Well me and Zoe aren’t really friends anymore, Rachael won’t if Emma won’t, and neither will Angela.

I’ll probably prefer to stay home alone anyway. :3 […]

I can’t trust anybody.

me and my friend were trying to get weed, some guy called Ollie says he could get us it. pfft, he told my brother (:

guess I’ll have to go back to paracetamol over doses to sleep. thanks Ollie, for fucking the one good thing I had up.

stuck in the house again. hah, what a joy. would try to get Angus out, but he didn’t reply the last (and first) time I texted him so. Zoe’s not allowed, Emma’s not allowed, Angela’s ill, Rachael’s grounded because she got excluded.

Fuck sake, I really don’t want to be alone again today. oh, and Jake and Bambi aren’t on MSN anymore :3 yay. probably gonna have another slip up. oh well.

Wondering…Wondering; Should I move on, this has just. Urgh, it’s been ages, A year. And still I’m just as much here as I was then. I get the feeling that if I stop waiting, I can finally move forward, with everything. But will I really be as happy as I would have been if I waited. I just want to know, do you really care? or is it just me wanting you to care.

today was my friends birthday, we went to Glasgow for shopping (; even though I didnt have any money, (my mom wouldn’t let me go, so I just stayed over at hers for the night, and went anyway) I still had an alright time. I’ve been sad a few times today, but…not that sad, alot less painful and numb.

when we were waiting for the train, theese random guys starting having a laugh with us xD it was amazing, Tasha and me gave the guys hugs and highfives through the glass! One of them had fucking rad trousers, tartan ;D sexehhh.

My birthday in 16 days, […]

people keep…noticing. they keep asking me if I’m okay. They keep saying ‘oh, you just sound down’ or ‘you look depressed’. even teachers. there’s this one teacher, Everytime I pass by him. ‘you alright? you look upset…y’sure?’ I know what you’re thinking, I should feel grateful right? Then how come I don’t. Well, I do. I’m just scared shitless. Have I really become that obvious? I thought I could hide it well; My mask is slipping, and it’s the only thing I have.

I told myself I’d never let anyone know, without me telling them…I can’t even keep my promise to myself, what the fuck is […]

going out more, usually it’d either be ‘No Ema!’ or ‘Nah, wanna catch up on sleep, see ya’ guys’. But I’ve been mentally pushing myself out that door. (:

It works…while I’m out, I feel great, happy, I have fun. No suicidal thoughts, no cutting, no crying, no lyeing on the floor wishing I was dead. But when I come back in? when I walk back through that door, it, just, hits. like a fucking train. urgh

I wana do it again, even more than fucking before.

it’s actually stareing at me. I’m really fucking scared, I regret ever starting. fuck I really do. I’ve ruined myself.

god, I feel so worthless right now. this is time I’ve felt this. this unbelievable guilt. what the hell am I supposed to do now? I feel so shocked, stunned, I don’t know what to do…

metallic sheen.
coated with rose petals.
Oh how I love you so.

all of my friends are in complete mayhem, they’re all argueing, and bitching about eachother. it’s almost made me relapse, well, probably has. I really just want to harm, I really do.

had an arguement over facebook, bad idea, I’m gonna get shit about it tomorrow. hah, cba.

fuck it, where’s my razor.

But this ones more personal.

I feel sane inside, but I’m guessing I’ll look insane from the outside. I see things more…deep. Different.

I stood in my room, spinning with my arms stretched out, watching the LED lights on my ceiling fly in circles, feeling the air run through my fingers. it was nice.

I feel so different now, sane, like I put it. I feel rejuvenated.

why DOES this place always have to be depressing? why is it always ‘I want to die, I wish I was dead’? can’t we also put in some happy things, make some friends through our humor, not just our depression. admit it, helping each other isn’t enough, it doesn’t quite do it. I know I’d rather have an hour long conversation about random crap than an hour long depressing conversation anyday :3 so here’s my first ‘randomcrap’ blog.

my cat’s stareing at me. I think he’s trying to use the force to get my pasta to fly into his mouth. xD

topic one; Sleep! woke up at 5pm today, while yesterday (for some reason) I woke up at 8am, yesterday I woke up happier, even though I got less sleep o.O seems my entire theory’s a load of crap. I’ll go to bed at 10 today, well try. see if I wake up happier.

2nd topic; meeee. I should start trying to fix myself, I’ve always stayed up talking to friends who have issues until the unmentionable hours, always turned down chances to get out so I could MAYBE talk to them today, maybe cheer them up. but it’s not working, it just made me feel like […]