Author

45caliberdeath

meditation fail

by 45caliberdeath 10/13/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

I’ve been trying to meditate recently to clear my mind of suicidal thoughts. I plan on doing it in the next six months. But, in the meantime, I’ve got to get some stuff in order. I don’t want to live the next few months planning out my suicide. I want to live well and try new things before I die. And hell, maybe, just maybe, one of those new things will lead to something that makes me want to live again?

So I read that meditation can help with suicidal or obsessive thoughts. I decided to try it out. But I just can’t do it. I […]

10/13/2014 5 comments

not even sleep is a refuge

by 45caliberdeath 10/9/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

Nightmares every single night. Can’t stop thinking about it when awake. I sedate myself with trash TV and music and school just to try and forget. But it always comes back… each time I am sadder, angrier, more hopeless than before.

This life must end. At some point, I just need to take the risk and shoot myself in the head. Trying for the find the most desolate stretch of land around me to increase the chances of dying…

10/9/2014 6 comments

am I society’s plaything?

by 45caliberdeath 10/6/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

Society doesn’t want me around, much less do a damned thing to help me. But it will pull out all the fucking stops to keep me from leaving. Like an abusive husband who hates me but won’t let me divorce.

I am going to make an attempt soon (next six months to a few years, depending on how my plans work out). The only thing I fear now is failing and surviving with serious injury that preclude retries.

I am OK with leaving. Society isn’t. I must find a way to disobey society and leave. People have generally told me that I am intelligent. Well now, all […]

10/6/2014 5 comments

want to die so badly it physically hurts

by 45caliberdeath 10/2/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

All of my problems are emotional/mental. I want to be dead so badly. But I can’t because I’m afraid that some dumbass doctor will “save”/torture me by making me a quadriplegic or a vegetable or something.

I’m so fucking desperate to die. It PHYSICALLY hurts. It’s ALL I think about. But several million years of evolution and my fear of messing up is keeping me here, screaming at my rational and moral brain to not kill myself. Base instincts and fear…

10/2/2014 4 comments

why are YOU still alive?

by 45caliberdeath 10/2/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

Still have hope for a better life?

Don’t want to cause pain to loved ones?

Don’t really want to be dead yet and just exploring the possibility of one’s “exit options”?

Use the thought of suicide just to self-sooth the pain?

Ambivalent about dying?

Lack of courage to commit suicide?

Procrastination on suicide?

Afraid of failing your attempt and ending up in a worse state?

Fear of death/hell/afterlife/God’s judgement?

Or something else?

I’m only here because I’m afraid of failing and ending up in a worse state… There are things far worse than death. For instance, my current life. But it would be much, much worse if I end up with brain injury and in […]

10/2/2014 22 comments

a quote from Nietzsche

by 45caliberdeath 9/28/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.’”

I first read this line around 5 years ago in college and I didn’t quite understand it. I was thinking of suicide back then too, but not particularly as a good or comforting thing. Back then, I was afraid of suicide and couldn’t understand why it would be a consolation.

I think that I’m starting to understand this aphorism a lot better now. In my worst days, suicide was the only thing that I had to look forward to. In my only slightly better days, I would go […]

9/28/2014 3 comments

what would have to change for you to stop considering suicide?

by 45caliberdeath 9/7/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

I’ve been thinking about suicide for the last 15 years and at times, the only thing stopping me from doing it was fear of pain and surviving with brain damage (I could only kill myself with a gun or possibly hanging if I could figure out how to get partial suspension hanging right). But I realize that there are things that could make my life better and stop me from considering the suicide route, if only temporarily.

For me, it would have to be forging a deep important commitment to someone or something. I would have to learn to forget or not think about all the […]

9/7/2014 36 comments

only love will save me

by 45caliberdeath 9/6/2014

written by 45caliberdeath

I tried to kill myself last month. I had wanted to kill myself for several years now, but it wasn’t until last month that I found the intense suicidal drive to plan an almost certainly lethal attempt. It took around 15 days to go from the decision to getting to a place where I could actually do it. But when I got there, with my handgun and my suicide notes, I just couldn’t do it. I tried so hard to pull the trigger, but I wasn’t psychologically prepared to kill myself. I’d still rather be dead than alive, but I just don’t have the psychological […]

9/6/2014 5 comments