am I society’s plaything?

Society doesn’t want me around, much less do a damned thing to help me.  But it will pull out all the fucking stops to keep me from leaving.  Like an abusive husband who hates me but won’t let me divorce.

I am going to make an attempt soon (next six months to a few years, depending on how my plans work out).  The only thing I fear now is failing and surviving with serious injury that preclude retries.

I am OK with leaving.  Society isn’t.  I must find a way to disobey society and leave.  People have generally told me that I am intelligent.  Well now, all of my intelligence and effort is dedicated to finding a good way to leave.  I would rather devote myself to noble cause like helping people live better lives and I guess that it is a waste to have to devote myself to suicide instead of helping people.  I genuinely feel bad about that.  But it can no longer be helped.

I wish that I could just rig my body up with some explosives to keep the dumbass doctors from attempting to “save”/torture me into living.