Today it is very windy.
Strong winds give me panic attacks, and here’s why:
About 15 years ago a windstorm destroyed my home in the middle of the night. It ripped off the roof while I was in bed sleeping. I heard this horrible loud ripping sound, and I rolled over in bed, still in sleepy confusion.
Instead of my ceiling above me, I saw stars.
The wind had this constant ROAR, and it just wasn’t stopping.
I couldn’t turn on the lights, because the windstorm had knocked out the power earlier that evening.
So there I was, in total darkness, trapped in a windstorm, in a home with no roof.
I […]
(My apologies to the vegetarians and vegans.)
One thing about being in a stretch of insomnia is that the rest of you are probably sound asleep, dreaming amazing dreams while I am sitting here typing.
Random things I think about while sitting here alone and awake:
If insomnia kills brain cells, I will probably forget my ABC’s by this time next week. Who am I again?
If, after we die, we get to go to another world where our wishes finally get granted, I would love to live in a tiny seaside cottage with a wonderful guy who honestly loves me. It would be wonderful if he played the cello. I picture a flower bed […]
2016 Valentine’s Day coping mechanism:
Had insomnia the night before…. stayed awake until 7:00 in the morning on the 14th. Slept for a little bit, then woke up with migraine. Took migraine prescription and went back to bed, slept until 6:00 in the afternoon at which time my back and bone pain woke me up.
Took pain meds, sat in bed. Ate a snack.
Turned on the laptop, checked e-mail (nothing from anyone), and surfed around for a moment before visiting […]
So, how is everyone today…?
It is almost 5:30 in the morning here.
I have been awake all night long.
I’m going to try to go to sleep again in a few minutes.
Yesterday I printed out my funeral wishes (and other legal papers involving end-of-life issues), signed them, and gave them to two of the officials I trust at my place of worship.
They probably assumed my concern was due to my declining health and the degenerative disabilities which aren’t getting better.
They know I am depressed, although I haven’t mentioned the “S” […]
Yes, this…
Plus wildly varying degrees of insomnia followed by just the opposite: days and nights where I can sleep for 12-14 hours at a time. Then more insomnia.
Clearly my brain flips a coin about this every night, (which might explain some of the migraines.)
Brain on Monday: “Oooh, tails! That means we stay awake staring at the ceiling all night!”
Brain on Tuesday: “Hey, look, heads! Now we get to sleep for 13 hours!”
Brain on Wednesday: “Wow, the coin landed on its side. I […]
Tonight at symphony rehearsal, the director had a sad announcement to make.
One of our trumpet players was found dead in his car.
He was maybe late 20’s or early 30’s, and I’ve known him for over 10 years. For as long as I’ve known him, he has had a lot of problems with drugs.
I remember sometimes after rehearsal, a small group of us used to go out for dinner, then we would sit around outside and chat for a few hours. I remember he would freely admit that he was willing to try any drug he could afford, legal or not. It helped him mentally escape […]
Wading through bureaucracy is sort of like having to sniff Satan’s armpit sweat through a really long straw. It’s unpleasant no matter what method you use, but hey, the rules and regulations say you HAVE to use a straw… and the straw has to be blue, and it has to come from one particular office which is only open on Tuesdays from 3:00 to 3:02 pm.
On a related note:
I got the Medicaid problem sorted out.
There was a computer error; someone hadn’t sent my information through all the right channels, and that’s why stuff wasn’t showing up as being approved.
But it’s fixed now.
I got […]
Because I’m disabled and my allowance is very small, I have been on Medicaid. This has made my prescriptions affordable, and I’ve been very grateful for the help.
But something happened yesterday; when I got the notification that my prescription was ready to pick up, it gave a cost which was WAY too expensive.
It’s as if they cancelled my Medicaid for some reason. This is a giant problem, since I can’t afford any of my medication without it.
I only have four pills left, and then will have to abruptly stop everything.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my right leg brace broke tonight, and I can’t afford […]
Today as I was leaving the grocery store, a complete stranger said “Goodbye, (*my name*)!”
I nodded politely, and nicely said goodbye, realizing I had absolutely no clue who this person was. I still don’t know.
One of the drawbacks to living in a tiny town in a mostly rural county is that almost everybody seems to know everybody else.
Some people might find this comforting and cheery; I find it unsettling and creepy.
One thing I relished during my brief stays in larger cities was that absolutely nobody had any clue who I was. I was a wonderfully anonymous face in amongst the equally-nameless hordes.
It was glorious.
Here […]
Today is a day when the (physical) pain just won’t go away.
I’ve taken six doses of Tramadol in the past 24 hours and the hurt is still there.
(I don’t take Tramadol every day; it’s reserved for the worst days–like this– when the pain is severe.)
I took it on top of my other meds, so my whole brain is probably one big circus sideshow right now.
My head is blurry, I can hardly think, and I have spent the entire day in bed. Soon I will go back to sleep, again, if my body will let me.
I apologize if my comments on your posts have sounded weird […]
A wretched soul bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much, or more, we should ourselves complain.
— — — Comedy of Errors (Act 2, Scene 1)
Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.
— — — The Tempest (Act 1 Scene 2)
A few decades ago, when I was still depressed but had more energy than I do now, before my health declined to the point where I became disabled…
I had a six-month internship in a mental hospital, working to become a music therapist.
I got to see all types of patients. Schizophrenic, Depression, Bipolar, Alzheimer’s, Psychotic… everything.
I can’t go into details because of confidentiality, but I remember one moment more than anything else.
There was one day when a new patient was admitted. He was […]