Author

away

Spiritually, away. Physically, here, and seeking to change that.

And So I Remain…

by away 8/21/2017

written by away

I last posted in November of 2016. It’s August of 2017 (clearly) and I, to my dismay and surprise, remain!

Let me just start by saying that I am not better. Depression is my main battle and it’s still here and strong as ever, while its agitated cousin anxiety has grown stronger, to the point at which the two are probably sisters now. Or something.

I still want to die; that will never change. There are things that I hope for and things that I look forward to in this life but, ultimately, if I find myself facing death, I will happily walk towards it. However, I don’t […]

8/21/2017 2 comments

Strange Experience

by away 11/23/2016

written by away

11/23/2016 6 comments

Approaching Old Vibes

by away 11/20/2016

written by away

A few Christmases ago, my mother connected the speakers of the family computer to an iTunes radio station that played Christmas-themed jazz 24/7. This was back when I used to sit at the desktop computer playing games and whatnot all the time, meaning that the music played right beside me. I’ve always enjoyed the genre, so I didn’t mind it.

What I didn’t realise is the atmosphere which that music created. It was depressing, the weather was depressing, my life of being on the computer incessantly was depressing; it was just a sad but unique ambience. I remember the songs distantly rocking in the air around […]

11/20/2016 1 comment

Anyone Else Dying Soon?

by away 11/19/2016

written by away

I find that when I hear about others who are going to kill themselves, no matter how physically far away they are from me, I feel absurdly comforted. Like, we’re in the same situation and we’re going to leave it soon. We may even find each other afterwards?

So, for my own sake, is there anyone else here dying soon? I’ve been trying for the past week, almost, but I keep having to cancel my plans in fear of being seen and whatnot. However, I do know that I don’t want to see Monday. Who’s leaving with me?

11/19/2016 17 comments

Earth Won’t Let Me Go

by away 11/17/2016

written by away

This is ridiculous. I wasn’t supposed to live to write another post.

Things were going swiftly. I was adjusting the rope, everyone was asleep, and it was pitch black outside; the perfect tableau.

However, I guess that it just took me too long to get the knot and the rope’s position on my neck correct, because I suddenly saw my next door neighbour’s garage light turn on! He was definitely outside. One of the bedrooms in the house behind mine randomly had its light on too.

Of course, I panicked, threw the towel that was supposed to be wrapped around my neck away, turned the rope still tied to […]

11/17/2016 3 comments

I’m Still Here, Damn It

by away 11/16/2016

written by away

I said that I’d let you guys know if my plan last night didn’t work out and, well, that’s exactly what happened. Ugh! Someone came home last night whom I wasn’t expecting, so I had to postpone it once more.

Basically, I’m hanging myself in my backyard. It’s not a big deal, but it must be dark out so that my family nor the neighbours don’t see me, and late so that everyone is asleep. The problem is that I’ve been extremely tired lately, resulting in me falling asleep way too early whilst waiting for the time to pass. It’s pathetic.

At this point, if tonight fails as […]

11/16/2016 6 comments

So, Tonight

by away 11/15/2016

written by away

Tonight is the night! My previous plans kept getting interrupted, but I think that I have it all down pat for tonight. I even bought an ice cream cake all for myself to celebrate.

If I end up falling asleep by accident like I did last night (ugh…) or I’m still alive in general, I’ll let you know tomorrow. I’m just going to post one last prose poem after this because I like sharing them.

Also, I didn’t hang around on here for long, so it’s not like I made any friends or an impact, really, but thanks to anyone who interacted with me at all. I […]

11/15/2016 3 comments

Seasons and Severance

by away 11/15/2016

written by away

As the hours retreat into the night and the days become increasingly transient and myopic…

…My heart contracts at the same rate into a painful stone, lodged in my translucent chest like a fly in amber…

…Absurdly comparable to our severance, which resulted in this beating centrepiece feeling like nothing more than a stab wound.

11/15/2016 2 comments

An Aspirant Person

by away 11/14/2016

written by away

Lately, I’ve been having more and more social difficulties, namely with names (no pun intended) and overall conviction.

Typically, in an interaction, saying a participant’s name will have to happen at least once, but I can’t do it. I can’t say nor even type a person’s name, and if someone does it to me, I become extremely uncomfortable. It would be so much easier to call people numbers or something, kind of like the fact that I use Emoji in place of names on my mobile phone.

Along with that, I also have issues with conviction, instead displaying uncertainty by involuntarily adding, “I think” or, “Or whatever” to […]

11/14/2016 2 comments

One Year Passed

by away 11/13/2016

written by away

Nothing has changed. I’m still in so, so much pain.

I made some adjustments to my external circumstances, but internally, I remain the same.

Hopefully, that will end tonight.

11/13/2016 6 comments

Physically Here, Spiritually Away

by away 11/15/2015

written by away

I was temporarily away. Everything came to be too much, leaving me bedridden for a few days. I slept so much that my bed began to stink and my body began to rot, in a sense.

I really didn’t want to return. I had left behind a huge mess, thinking that I was finally going to exit for good and consequently avoid it.

But, unfortunately, I’m still here. My method was poorly carried out that Wednesday morning.

So, fine. Physically, I’m here. I’m present. On this planet, I have mass.

Spiritually, though, I’m gone. I’m away. I’m not “beyond”, but I am absent.

When I came back the next week, […]

11/15/2015 0 comment