I last posted in November of 2016. It’s August of 2017 (clearly) and I, to my dismay and surprise, remain!
Let me just start by saying that I am not better. Depression is my main battle and it’s still here and strong as ever, while its agitated cousin anxiety has grown stronger, to the point at which the two are probably sisters now. Or something.
I still want to die; that will never change. There are things that I hope for and things that I look forward to in this life but, ultimately, if I find myself facing death, I will happily walk towards it. However, I don’t seek to do the deed by my own hands. Killing myself is hard living with others and not really having access to materials which would assist the act.
As for my Earth life… I work full-time. Somehow, this eases depression due to the immediate reward – money. Meanwhile, anxiety clings me to my work, in the form of me being terrified of getting fired/calling in sick/being late/etc. Also, honestly, I kind of like my job. It doesn’t revolve around social interaction like my previous fast food job did (so many resultant anxiety attacks), plus I’m not forced to wake up at the unholy asscrack of dawn (go second shift). It’s a blessing. Getting home late kind of sucks but the night is my time so it’s fine.
I have no plans beyond this. I did not graduate high school and I do not wish to attend any post-secondary institution, as I don’t succeed in these environments for a multitude of reasons. I’m better off with compensated labour. The pay is livable and I may even be able to move out and exist on my own! I want nothing more than to sustain myself in isolation.
On the other hand, winter always exacerbates the depression. Because of this, I’ve set an expiry date for the end months of 2017 when the weather is bitter and the light is transient. I’ve accumulated a hefty pile of pills from unsuccessful prescription after unsuccessful prescription, which will certainly take an individual of my volume and stature out (I hope). If I make it past then, well, we’ll see, but I don’t know… It’s always the goddamn winter. And if not that, then I’ll find a nice place to drown. Preferably L. Superior for her similarities to me in personality (cold, selfish, unwelcoming…). Anyway…
That’s all that I can find in myself to say for the time being. I do rather adore this forum for the community and, of course, the content. As well, like I said, we’ll see what happens and I may check back in later at a time that I see fit, whether it be for an update or another ‘goodbye’ or what have you. Who can say?
Good day, kind people. To the night sky!
2 comments
You’re an old-timer here …
Working does help with keeping busy and it’s a bonus that you enjoy your job.
Think carefully about those old meds. They may not be the salvation you’d hoped for.
Seek another option. Odd are, the pills won’t work. I tried it twice with no success with some really potent stuff. Hang in there though. Sounds like it’s not too bad for you in your world.