babypanda

I’ve come to realize that all my self harm is emotional. I don’t have the stomach to follow through with my impulses, so instead I just lock myself in a chamber of self hate. Constant echoes of “I don’t deserve to exist”, “what if I just disappeared”, “I should just die”, “it’d be so much easier if I were just gone”. Flurries of these statements just banging around in my head at more and more alarming rates the longer this low point in my life goes on. I withhold nice things that I have because it’s “not the right time”, “I don’t deserve it” and […]

I’m surrounded by passivity inside. Just a constant, “What if?”, “You could just…”, “If only I weren’t a coward, I’d…”.

Tonight it was “what if I owned a gun”. Spent my walk home imagining being gone in an instant. Dissociating myself out of existence. Imagining taking a gun to my head. Imagining pulling the trigger. Omitting the pain- wishful thinking, really- and imagining no longer existing. Imagining the peace of being gone. Being dead.

You know, I haven’t been here in a while. There were a couple of years where I forgot about this place in a good way, and then a couple of years where I […]

Why do I have trouble communicating? Why can’t I be normal? Why do I have to have stupid ass issues and a constant need to self deprecate? Why am I still here?

A constant stream of why’s are always running through my head at breakneck speed, when will I have answers? When will I finally fix myself?

Fuck all this.

I always end up back here when I feel self hate, and it’s always because I don’t want to share it with anyone I know. Somehow telling strangers my dark thoughts always works out better for me than when I tell him or any other person. I don’t feel guilty about saying what I feel and how it makes me react.

On here, it’s okay for me to feel suicidal and cry about it, because I don’t have to worry about triggering bad memories or someone’s misplaced pity. I know that I’m not going to act on it, and I know I’ll get through it. I […]

Well fuck, here I am again. Just when I think I’m happy, shit hits a fan. My shit.
My heart is currently lodged in my throat, and it just might become permanent if I don’t figure myself out. I don’t know why I have such trouble with communicating my feelings, or just communicating in general, and I fear that it may ruin my relationship. I want to say how I feel so many times, but I just don’t know how to and by the time I figure it out, the timing is too late. Sometimes I just wonder if everyone would be better off without […]

Friends. He said it twice, maybe three times, his friend, I’m not quite sure. All I know is that the first time he said it, it just started clamoring inside my head, almost drowning out anything else he was saying. The second time he said it, my heart dropped and it was all I could fucking hear. I know, I fucking know, that he likes me, but it still hit me like a shit ton of bricks and scared me witless when he said that word. Friend.

I’m afraid. Afraid that even after all we’ve done that he’ll see me, really see me, and drop me like the bag of […]