beaGhost

I’m older now. It’s been years since I’ve visited. They tell you it gets better.

It does. Of course you will still have those thoughts. But they will be in such a quick, passing manner. It gets easier to convince yourself those thoughts are wrong. You have to be nice to yourself. Once in a while they will creep back in and maybe even get so intrusive that you visit this old blog that you haven’t thought about for years. But I know better. You know better. There’s a whole world out there. Sure you’re probably not going to be great at everything like they told […]

It was your birthday just yesterday. Less people every year are writing on your Facebook wall. People are moving on. Still, nobody knows that I kissed you. Still it is just me, feeling guilty for being the one who made you lose your best friend. It didn’t mean anything to me, I don’t think it meant anything to you either. We were both just there. And I hadn’t talked to either of you in years. I didn’t think he still harboured feelings. You were the one who said yes to a dance when I asked you both, you were the one who walked me home. […]

It’s a funny thing, trust. How do you get it? How do you give it?

When something happens to shake the very foundation you’re standing on, how to you learn to trust again? I’m trying to rebuild.

I don’t trust any guy. I don’t trust anybody I’m alone with. I don’t trust doctors, friends, dentists, even my boyfriend sometimes. I don’t know how to do it after what happened. When your best friend commits the ultimate betrayal of your body and mind, where do you go for salvation?

Lately, my dreams have been haunting me. They extrapolate on that one fateful day. I find myself awakening from tortures […]

I walk in the door, dragging my feet, with barely enough energy to lift my head and greet my parents.  They do that whole “I’ve missed you, nice to see you, how was your trip?” thing, and then, in turn, they lean in for the embrace.  At this point, I don’t feel like touching anybody.  I stand there, as usual, not returning the hugs or the kisses.  Standing awkwardly motionless in a moment of intense love and affection.  I don’t want anybody to touch me.  I pull out of our little “love-circle” as quickly as is appropriate, and migrate upstairs to my bedroom.

Finally, I can […]

I like walking through my house at night time.  When everybody else is asleep and there’s an eerie calm that flows through with the darkness to each room.  I like to think that’s what music would look like.  Not necessarily colorful and vibrant, as most people would think, just palpable and full of significance and meaning.

The flowing darkness sure has a mind of its own.  it seeps into every precipice, it fills every hole.  It doesn’t leave any corner untouched.

Every part of our world has experienced this darkness.  And yet, sometimes, it feels as though I am the only one who really knows what darkness […]