There’s been times in my life when change rattled me so bad, that I stayed up at night pondering the endless outcomes that could take place.
Then the flip side was seeking change so I could continue on without going mad.
Looking back, I don’t enjoy the contridictions that have taken place…..and honestly, neither change or no change sounds good right now.
Perfect time to go
Since reading and responding to posts here I’ve noticed everyone fits into their own category of what depression means to them. While many have always been down with bullying, financial hardships, abuse or mental disorders, others have complicated combinations of all of it.
Personally, I’ve had a taste of plenty of the aforementioned issues. I’ve also been fortunate enough to bypass most of it for a long time. I had a great stretch of happiness (the most I’m capable of harnessing). Now I’m at the point of needing to rebuild and raising up from depths of the worst depression yet.
Knowing where I’ve been, what it […]
I’m not a smoker, but a cigarette with coffee hits the spot sometimes. I like the way I get spun up on nicotine and caffeine since I hardly ever have either.
It lifts my lazy depression and maybe…..just maybe will be enough to get where I’m destined to go tonight.
Really don’t want to see another morning
I feel people get hung up on the reasoning for killing yourself more than the lack of desire to live. When you look at it that way, then you can appreciate the motive.
Where else in life, outside of work and certain family dynamics, are you forced to do something you’re obviously not wanting to continue? Everything has an exit door, life isn’t any different.
I’ve had so many opportunities these past couple months to end it, but I keep dragging my feet. Not hanging on for things to get better, I’m not that naive. But the finality of the whole thing makes me apprehensive. I’m the one that’ll be successful on the first try, I’m aware of this.
With the clock ticking, I wish I would’ve done it sooner. The longer I wait, the more I cringe that I’m still here.
Fuck, mornings are the worst. Opening my eyes and realizing I didn’t try the night before. Then the long days that lead into night….the pattern has gone on long […]
When you’ve thought about suicide and have started to make decisions on little details, some aspects are kind of thought provoking.
I’m kind of torn on whether to exit during the day or night. Both have an appeal. I suppose night time due to the correlation of darkness and sleeping. I also like how not many people are up and about at night.
I do know that different times of the day reveal different moods. Guess I’ll figure it out soon enough.
Had some decent sleep at my girl friend’s spot last night. When we woke up, she went to work, I came home a continued my slumber. I’ve probably racked up around 14 hours of sleep.
I’m waiting to hear back from a job that I really don’t want to start. I also am wrapping up some legal trouble that is coming to a head soon.
On the outside looking in, things are coming together. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m about to engage in an upswing and I’m not wanting to, I’ve had enough of the high/low cycle.
I know my days are […]
Chances are if you’re typing on a computer and you have Internet access, you’re probably in a first world country. Your problems are those that evolve from living in that environment. Which isn’t that unthinkable, because I can relate.
Wondering what sort of things someone in a third world country would say on here. I’m thinking ignorance is bliss, so suicide is probably a foreign concept.
Everyone has been told or at the very least heard the expression,”The world does not revolve around you.” What a concept.
It’s been documented that bipolar can bring out hallucinations during mania where individuals think they are God. I experienced a taste of this. When you consider that you are the only person in control of your thoughts, actions and memory, you cannot begin what it is like to be someone else. All you know is what you see and experience.
We are essentially in our own little world’s. Not one person can take over our perception of what happens through life. All there is to […]
When you sink into your low points, the pro/con ratio presents itself. You search for reasons to stay or go. It’s pathetic that a lifetime bottles down into a risk vs. reward scenario.
My question is, do you really need a reason? Do you honestly have to maul over the burdens that make living desirable?
It can be true that most of life’s setbacks are temporary problems. But some linger and will never be resolved. When they continue to stack up and never find a working solution, hope is in decline.
So I find it’s not as simple as hovering over one reason or a couple. It’s […]
The longer I live, the more I can’t help but think about how everything has the same fate. There’s a beginning, middle and end. From a term in school, a job, relationship, trip to the doctor’s office and even life. Nothing is forever, but plenty of things appear like they should last that long.
Life is composed of all these short lived events. One after another. They all bring different emotions. I want to know which ones are the best experiences that make you want to hang on for another chapter of life?,
Originally I wanted to post some thoughts on alt.suicide.holiday but I cannot seem to get the narkive account to do anything. Everytime I try to post, I gets 403 error saying there was spam with my post. Oh well, some of the regulars there are a real kick in the pants like The Colonal Eric Paul Burke from Northville, Mi.
What drives me crazy is the perfect conditions that need to be present to take the plunge. If I’m too depressed, there is absolutely no way I can attempt ending it all. If I’m in good spirits, I want to do other things. Its very rare […]
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