Growing up in a traditional Asian household, life was very different from what I had read in American novels. With a strict Taiwanese father who graduated from Harvard, was the minister for Sino-America relations, and a Marine for 15 years, expectations were always set high. And my mother on the other hand, looked at me as no more than a show pony that she could steal accomplishments from. From an early age, achievement was measured in medals, and love in trophies. Whether or not I would get beaten depended on how fast my times in the latest swim meets were, how I placed in the latest […]
They once told me that when every human is born, they are afraid of death. That our natural instincts tell us to live. For some reason, I was born different. From as far back as I could remember, I was never afraid of dying. When I was young, if a car was racing towards me, I would calmly step out of the way without ever feeling anything. If I was in the ocean and I couldn’t stay afloat, I would simply think about how my life didn’t matter anyway. But as I grew, that indifference to life and death morphed into something different. It changed […]
You were good for nothing parents, and you made me want to kill myself countless times. You crushed whatever I built for myself just so you could feel superior. But I have to thank you for one thing. You have showed me how to not raise a child. I will never do to my children what you did to me.
To everybody that I’ve hurt in my life, and all the lives that I’ve touched, I’m sorry. I am sorry for bringing myself into your life and bringing trouble along with me.
Anna –
You were the friend that was always there for me even though you were the one who betrayed me in the end. During our friendship, you threw me under the bus over and over again, but I forgave you each time, because I trust people too much and I forgive too easily. There were times when you were the best friend I could ever think of, and there were times when I thought […]
The sound of rain hitting the glass and pavement
Using my authority as Student Council President to scare off other students
Touching the wall after swimming 200 Fly and realising I won
Swimming the medley relay with our team – The Ultimate Team – and getting 5th in the country
Having my parents yell at me when I forget to wear slippers in the house
Dancing in the graveyard
Perfectly executing an aerial cartwheel at the ShaoLin Wushu Festival
Shaking hands with the conductor as the First Chair Flute
Doing a ‘Csardas’ duet with my boyfriend on violin and me on flute
Playing out all my frustration and sorrow on the piano and flute
Telling […]
I’ve just been going around and around in circles for a long time. But the one thing that remained the same when I spun around in these circles was that I was afraid. I was always afraid. At first, it was the fear of death, then the fear of life, then just the overwhelming fear of everything in life.
I’m a coward. I know. I deserve to die. But once again, I was afraid to do it. When I finally gathered up the courage to try, I failed. Then I became even more afraid. I was afraid of trying again. Afraid of what would happen if […]
I haven’t been on here in a while, but everything has started going downhill. It’s like I’m falling into a vortex of pain and misery, and I just can’t seem to escape. Grades are down, friends are lost, the only thing I can do now is throw myself into swim training and hope that the exhaustion takes my mind off how I’m feeling. I’ve been chasing a dream for my entire life. I just realised that it wasn’t my dream that I was chasing. For some people, they can imagine where their future leads them, where they will be in 10, 15 years. For me, […]
Drowning in the despair of my mind,
peace of soul I cannot find.
Demons are raging inside of me,
break my cage and set me free.
Trapped in a vicious game called life,
Sending only pain, loss, and strife.
Maybe one day I can leave this place,
I will be gone, without a trace.
I have no one to leave behind,
free of the war inside my mind.
We wanted to live not suffer,
All our hopes and dreams were smothered.
We’re all living, quietly bleeding,
suffering here, painfully breathing.
Nothing to live for, nothing to lose,
years and years of constant abuse,
All […]
I don’t even know what this is anymore. I used to be able to feel the pain, but apparently, if you immerse yourself in enough pain, you eventually stop feeling it. And I’m starting to miss it. I don’t even know. Anything, I guess. I’m lost in the world, and I’m not really sure I want to fin my way again. This is all I’ve ever known, and I don’t know what life will be like if everything were perfect. Suicide isn’t a last resort anymore- it’s the only option. And I have no choice but to take it eventually.
When people ask me what I want to be in five years, the answer that pops to mind is ‘dead’. But when people are asking people how you are, they don’t expect the answer ‘depressed, suicidal, and really close to giving up’. Â I don’t know why I’m here anymore. There’s not future in sight, it’s just suffering. And I don’t think that I can take much more of this. I’m here because I have nowhere else to g. I’m here because I am a pathetic, useless coward, and I don’t have the strength to end it. Days aren’t days anymore. They’re jsut stupid obstacles that […]
Dear life, I am tired of being afraid.
I don’t care about anything anymore. It’s all just pointless now. I don’t care about life, about the future, about death, nothing. I gave up a long time ago. I guess if you immerse yourself in enough pain you eventually stop feeling it. But the problem is that I still do feel. It would all just be easier if I ended it all, but somehow I can’t get any access to anything lethal. I thought that all of this would eventually end when things got too bad to bear, but every time I hit rock bottom, somehow I […]
I thought I knew what I was going to do in life, but now I don’t really know anymore. All my life has been laid out by my parents long before I knew what I wanted. I’m so close to giving up, and I don’t know what is keeping here. Trying to be the best all the time has gotten tiring, and I just don’t care about anything anymore. The only reason I’m here is because I’m scared of what happens it I don’t succeed. All of this seems so pointless and I just want to give up …..
I’ve been acting for my entire life, and I’m getting tired of it. However, every time I try to stop, people immediately begin criticising me and start comparing me to other, better people. I’m not useless. I’m a bad example. I used to be the person that everyone wanted me to be, but now I don’t know. I don’t know whether or not I should live. I don’t know whether or not anything is worth living for. I don’t know whether or not this is a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. But mainly, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face this. […]
I used to know who I was. I was the person that my parents wanted me to be, and I was happy to be that person. But now, I’m not sure who I am or what I’m going to do. I’m lost in life and I don’t want to find my way again, because I am afraid of what will happen if I do. I feel as if I am lost, and just drifting through life. But I don’t know what else there is to it, because this is all that I remember. Cutting is the one thing that I have control over, to just […]
I used to care about things like success, and school, and grades… but now it’s like none of that matters anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I;m not sure what to do anymore. I’m just drifting around now, with no purpose. Pain is the only thing I can control now. That’s better than nothing.
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