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blank-clutter

Fighting an unbeatable battle

by blank-clutter 2/19/2016

written by blank-clutter

Every day I have to tell myself that today is the day that I’m going to turn it all around. I say that I’m going to win all the battles of my day, I’m going to make all the right decisions instead of panicking in every other moment and getting trapped in a shell of anxiety and worthlessness.

The situation would be bearable if I was making progress or winning. But I’m losing. Life is kicking my ass and I just want to call quits. I’ve been trying for long enough. If I was meant to make it and be normal I wouldn’t be in this […]

2/19/2016 2 comments

Struggling with trivial things

by blank-clutter 2/16/2016

written by blank-clutter

The way my life has turned out makes everyday a battle for me. It’s not one of those stories where I have a recognized disability and with effort I am overcoming it while people are proud. Technically I should be a fully functional human being.

I suffer from the most basic aspects of life. I can’t make simple decisions or do simple things. A trip to the grocery store is even something hard, which I avoid and end up screwing it up.

One could wonder how can you screw that up. I get confused and trapped by numbing thoughts and then I resort to negative self defeating […]

2/16/2016 3 comments

Having multiple issues

by blank-clutter 2/3/2016

written by blank-clutter

What makes me really suicidal and want to give up is that fact that I have sooo many issues. If I just had one or two then they would be manageable but there is so many battles that must be won, only to have another one appear and I have to try again.

I dont think Im that strong, if I could win them I gladly would, I dont have the capacity and looking at life realistically tells me that I never will.

How can I overcome my social phobia, my addictive behavior, my fear of success and performance issues, my inferiority complex, my bad memory, my […]

2/3/2016 4 comments

The one thing I truly enjoy

by blank-clutter 2/1/2016

written by blank-clutter

Is…

Drum roll…

Sleep, beautiful peaceful sleep. It’s the closest thing to not existing. I wish I could sleep for the rest of my life and never wake up again.

How couldn’t I be suicidal in a world where everything is go go go, accomplish as much as you can, be creative, be social… When all I want to do is pass out permanently.

Nighty night

2/1/2016 10 comments

Different struggles for different folks

by blank-clutter 1/31/2016

written by blank-clutter

Reading some people’s posts here sometimes makes me think that I don’t have it that bad, if things are written on paper. At the same time I think thought that I personally am much worse. People here have attractive personalities and can socialize so well, they say creative things and go back and forth with each other so well. In contrast I just feel like a lurker, a package containing all the negatives of the human experience who found the ultimate worse addictions, feeling sorry for himself and reading about people who truly struggle with real problems.

I wish I could communicate better, and I’m not […]

1/31/2016 3 comments

Why did it have to be like this

by blank-clutter 1/25/2016

written by blank-clutter

Why did I have to sink this low? I opened up a new chapter in my life, graduated and got a job. I told myself that I’m going to try hard. I thought finally I found something I’m good at, some way to fit in society in a productive way. It was far from the truth.

So far I feel like I suck at my job. I suck at everything about it from the core of the job to communicating or even socializing with my coworkers.

I just can’t concentrate and keep my mind clear. I can’t focus when so many distracting thoughts pop in and out […]

1/25/2016 3 comments

The ultimate demotivated

by blank-clutter 1/22/2016

written by blank-clutter

The one aspect that truly defeats me further when I’m already down is inability to connect and converse with people. It’s just not about having a basic conversation, it’s about fluid connection, something that comes very natural to so many people and yet I’m so terrible at it.

Sorry in advance for the following pessimistic outlook.

Even on this site I notice that people form friendships and root for each other, meanwhile I’m just ending up being a lurker feeling like I’m more fucked up than anyone else. I’m unable to add a proper comment, all I can do is write something very generic or explain something that I […]

1/22/2016 4 comments

Feel like life is too hard

by blank-clutter 1/12/2016

written by blank-clutter

its probably only me but I just find life too hard. I hate the way my mind works, I just see the bad in everything and feel like I cant fit in with these happy go lucky optimistic people.

I wish there was a way to talk about issues and improve things before they got so bad. But when I was a teenager, I thought they were already really bad, was struggling back then and I didnt want to admit to anything because that would put me in a deeper hole that I already was in.

Just wish there were people that could have helped me when […]

1/12/2016 2 comments

Just feel like a hopeless loser

by blank-clutter 1/11/2016

written by blank-clutter

I cant shake this feeling of patheticness that lives within in me, its like a cancer that has grown to occupy and associate itself with so much of my thoughts. I cant look at something simple and not have it trigger these self defeating and narcissistic thoughts.

Everything feeds it and makes it grow, stronger and stronger. It has gotten to the point where it effects everything I do, every conversation I have, every task that I have to go through to live my life.

Is someone had a disease that the doctor could see in a scanner and see that it has spread so much, they […]

1/11/2016 1 comment

It’s not them it’s me

by blank-clutter 1/10/2016

written by blank-clutter

Recently I have come to the conclusion that the thing causing my life to be shit is not some kind of exterior force, bad luck or me being the victim of circumstance, it’s me. This conclusion even relates to my shitty experience in my early school days. I’m talking about times that I didn’t fit in and was bullied. Bullies don’t pick at random who to bully, they go for particular types of personalities, all these things originates from within the victim themselves.

btw I’m not justifying bullying, I think it’s a terrible, terrible thing. But in my negatives trains or thought I have arrived at […]

1/10/2016 1 comment

Want to start planning

by blank-clutter 1/9/2016

written by blank-clutter

I think I should start getting what I need to be ready, I envy people who can have an attempt without needing to any preparation. If I could I would do an attempt quickly.

the thing that sucks most about it is that what I need would take long to get to me

1/9/2016 5 comments

Friends called me a psychopath today

by blank-clutter 1/7/2016

written by blank-clutter

I am trying to keep it together and not express anything that would show how angry and sad I am all the time. I feel like I have terrible thoughts and urges but Im trying to keep it all inside because I dont want to hurt anyone. Today during dinner my roomates were having a conversation and I was thinking I wish I could participate better. I wish I could have a proper conversation and be engaged like normal people are. Instead I was just playing with my napkin. I eventually started ripping and tearing it. They pointed out, you know psychopaths do that, then […]

1/7/2016 8 comments

Just an attempt

by blank-clutter 1/3/2016

written by blank-clutter

would it be so bad if I committed to an attempt? I feel so shit all the time and it’s stuff that has been present all my life, it’s something that I know isn’t going to improve to normal levels. For example I’ve always been cynical, now I’m super cynical but I don’t see myself becoming someone who just isn’t cynical. Oh sure it can get better but it will always be there and it’s going to eventually cause me to fall down again

So would it be bad if I just make an attempt?

And what if it’s someone that I know has a high success […]

1/3/2016 8 comments

I feel like a terrible person

by blank-clutter 1/2/2016

written by blank-clutter

I feel terrible inside myself and I don’t think it’s going to go away. I feel like I’m just a bad person who generates negative and bad thoughts. I’ve seen people in bad situations, depressed because something bad has happened to them, but inside they are great and positive. They would want good things for themselves and other. I don’t feel like something like that. I feel like I’m the thing that causes all the problems that are in my life. Im the bringer of bad energy and I truly wish I was never born 🙁

1/2/2016 5 comments

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