BrokenClock

It has been 1 year 7 months since my suicide attempt. During one morning heading to work, while I was on the escalators I marvelled at the sight of people around me and thought to myself, “Wow, what a sight! This would not be possible if I was still alive.” I recalled that it was a serious attempt in which I ended up in hospital. I would then notice how it feels ‘strange’ to still be alive.

This feeling of strangeness would visit me on the rare occassion, and I’m not sure how to react. But I simply brushed it off, as if it were a […]

Yesterday was strange. It was the second time my entire life I actually considered killing myself. The last time was probably 4 or 5 years ago, when I stood over a bridge, peering at all the cars driving below.

Over the past 5 days, being awake just involved thinking about killing myself. Driving over a bridge? “Why not drive off it?” Driving while it rains? “Turn off the wipers and drive with limited visibility.” Cutting something in kitchen? “Cut yourself.” I opened my eyes today and the first thought was, “I want to kill myself.”

I’m sleep deprived still, and even if i get sleep, it’s always […]

It’s a strange feeling returning to this website again, after being absent for many months. This website offers me solace, in the darkest times.

It’s interesting, because I thought things finally got better and then I find myself in the darkness again. Upon reading my own old posts, it seems that it’s same position I was in ages ago. Except that it’s worse this time.

Cutting does not work as much anymore and the blade is boring. I thought about heating a blade up and using it, but instead opted for a serrated knife. I’ve been drinking almost every day now as well, some nice cheap wine […]

I’ve never liked lying to myself and I always have been true and expressive with myself, wherever possible.

As of lately, my partner has said that I’m coming off ‘too strong’, despite me holding back a lot already. I’ve began distancing myself emotionally, rarely mentioning about my feelings for him anymore and I don’t speak of majority of the thoughts and ideas pertaining him. I’ve been keeping myself busy with study but when I finally climb into bed I find myself crying because it’s difficult lying to oneself. So I began to wonder, and entertained myself, by imagining situations with him. Imaginery situations where I’d openly […]

I’m so sick of crying, I cut myself to calm down a bit and to enable myself to sleep. But I wake 3 hours later and now I’m crying again.

They’re not deep cuts, as I don’t intend to inflict serious damage… but I’ve resorted to it too often as a coping mechanism that it’s lost it’s effectiveness. Cutting would usually knock me out for at least 7 hours but not this time. I’ve done multiple little cuts… here’s to trying deeper ones…

I have to sleep.. so I can study later, exams are coming soon. I just.. I just can’t let this suffering ruin my entire […]

All day today, I feel amiss. I want to cry, but I cannot shed any tears.
I feel like I’m drowning, but I’m still breathing.
I want to reach out but I feel like a burden so I suffer in silence, while pretending everything is okay.
Only when I’m finally by myself, confined to my room, do the tears fall onto the keyboard.
It sucks being overwhelmed, upset and a multitude of other feelings. I’m beginning to become annoyed too, because I’m aware of how I feel, and I shouldn’t be stuck, feeling alone and being so, so sad. I know the world is beautiful.

So […]

Again.

It’s always hard to sleep.