On being honest

I’ve never liked lying to myself and I always have been true and expressive with myself, wherever possible.

As of lately, my partner has said that I’m coming off ‘too strong’, despite me holding back a lot already. I’ve began distancing myself emotionally, rarely mentioning about my feelings for him anymore and I don’t speak of majority of the thoughts and ideas pertaining him. I’ve been keeping myself busy with study but when I finally climb into bed I find myself crying because it’s difficult lying to oneself. So I began to wonder, and entertained myself, by imagining situations with him. Imaginery situations where I’d openly express how I feel, what I thought, and just allowing myself to be completely honest. It feels wonderful, warm and wholesome. I suppose it’s a better alternative than cutting myself or crying until I pass out. It’s an outlet in which I can stop denying myself and also not scare my partner away. But what will happen if I continue deceiving myself though? It feels euphoric but I know it’s escapism…