It’s a strange feeling returning to this website again, after being absent for many months. This website offers me solace, in the darkest times.
It’s interesting, because I thought things finally got better and then I find myself in the darkness again. Upon reading my own old posts, it seems that it’s same position I was in ages ago. Except that it’s worse this time.
Cutting does not work as much anymore and the blade is boring. I thought about heating a blade up and using it, but instead opted for a serrated knife. I’ve been drinking almost every day now as well, some nice cheap wine to help me sleep. Otherwise if I don’t, I will only sleep 3 hours a day. I’ve lost my appetite as well and I don’t really feel anything nor sure what to do about this numbness.
The only thing that is certain is that I keep thinking about death, and then end up drinking and cutting whenever I’m awake to get rid of these thoughts. What will become of my arm at this rate? I’m surprised I haven’t vomited with all the drinking though, my body seems to have adapted to the amount of alcohol I am consuming.
How long will it be until things get better again? And importantly, why do I keep returning to this darkness?