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Back again

by BrokenClock

It’s a strange feeling returning to this website again, after being absent for many months. This website offers me solace, in the darkest times.

It’s interesting, because I thought things finally got better and then I find myself in the darkness again. Upon reading my own old posts, it seems that it’s same position I was in ages ago. Except that it’s worse this time.

Cutting does not work as much anymore and the blade is boring. I thought about heating a blade up and using it, but instead opted for a serrated knife. I’ve been drinking almost every day now as well, some nice cheap wine to help me sleep. Otherwise if I don’t, I will only sleep 3 hours a day. I’ve lost my appetite as well and I don’t really feel anything nor sure what to do about this numbness.

The only thing that is certain is that I keep thinking about death, and then end up drinking and cutting whenever I’m awake to get rid of these thoughts. What will become of my arm at this rate? I’m surprised I haven’t vomited with all the drinking though, my body seems to have adapted to the amount of alcohol I am consuming.

How long will it be until things get better again? And importantly, why do I keep returning to this darkness?

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3 comments

blue_dude15 3/2/2021 - 5:08 am

Oh gosh, that really sucks. Sometimes depression comes back when we least expect it, and that`s the worst. Unfortunately I don`t know when things will get better for you, but I hope it`s sometime soon. Even if you`re tired of fighting, you are still very strong for holding on for this long. I also have a possible suggestion about your sleep if you want it- have you tried those pills a doctor can prescribe that help you sleep instead of the wine?
(And I know you`re sick of hearing this and its easier said than done, but please try to stay safe. )

TheOpenRoad 3/2/2021 - 9:53 am

melatonin helps with sleep. im sorry you’re in a bad place.

system 3/2/2021 - 9:55 pm

I am telling you right now from personal experience that the drinking is going to make you more sick, mentally and physically. You don’t realize what it’s done to you until you get sober. I may just be a teenager, but my life experience exceeds that (unfortunately). It starts with wine. Then it turns into rum. Then it turns into straight vodka, the kind where you don’t even measure it in shots, you just fucking pour it and hope it’s enough to knock you out. I’m going to link you to an AlAnon zoom meeting, it runs 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It helped me, maybe it’ll help you too. You don’t even have to talk, you can just listen to other people’s stories.
Zoom: 840 5355 4493; PW: 853263

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