Losing track of time

Yesterday was strange. It was the second time my entire life I actually considered killing myself. The last time was probably 4 or 5 years ago, when I stood over a bridge, peering at all the cars driving below.

Over the past 5 days, being awake just involved thinking about killing myself. Driving over a bridge? “Why not drive off it?” Driving while it rains? “Turn off the wipers and drive with limited visibility.” Cutting something in kitchen? “Cut yourself.” I opened my eyes today and the first thought was, “I want to kill myself.”

I’m sleep deprived still, and even if i get sleep, it’s always broken, or only 3 hours.

Just yesterday, I think I just snapped after holding it in. I vaguely remember my brother being by my side and trying to talk to me, but my mind was blank, everything was blurry and time was distorted. I was there, but not really. Later today he told me said that he tried to talk to me but I said nothing at the time. I don’t even remember that.

I remember being sad and people spamming me with messages. My friends were there with me, but they couldn’t reach me. It was like a dream. 1 minute seemed like eternity, and then suddenly it’s the next day. I’m not sure where I am, and it feels like just yesterday I was happy and days were brighter or something like that.

I’ve always cut on my arm, with the intention of numbing pain. But for the first time I gave up and I put it to my neck. Had a little poke at the wrist as well, the skin on the arm is much thicker than a wrist I must say. I don’t remember much after that.

I considered driving myself directly to the hospital and doing voluntary admission. But I’ll go to the doctor sometime.

I keep wondering when I’ll stop feeling like this. But then again it doesn’t matter does it? I’m not really here and the flow of time continues on.

I feel broken and time is distorted. Funny though, because I made this account years ago and it seems to perfectly describe how I am right now.