well….here’s another video with rambling
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hh5iPIegZhQ
Well, it’s been a while since I was last here. I think my last post was a video of me briefly rambling about dark shit. Some of you may also remember me as Buscetti or whatever, but I’m doing a name change.
I’d like to start a new YouTube channel to occasionally post mostly about the stuff you’re all probably familiar with…depression, anxiety, self harm, abuse, PTSD…bla bla bla. I apologize for not showing my face, but when I start talking about things more in depth, especially the abuse part…I’d like to stay as anonymous as possible. I’ll be honest I’ve been really struggling with suicidal thoughts again and […]
So this is my first video so it’s awkward and I apologize; but I decided instead of writing what I’m feeling I’d try doing a video and maybe attempt to let others know….you aren’t alone. Keep surviving.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8N9RFAxBc8
so I’ve been thinking about going on disability for a while, until I can get my shit together. I’m going to be 21 in a few months…and because I don’t have a job, all my help will come to a halt. And God knows if that happens I’m lost for good. And I can’t handle a lot right now. I get overwhelmed very easily. Just thinking about going on disability for a while makes me feel even more incapable then I already do.
On a different note…
Has anyone considered suicide by cop? I’ve been thinking about it.
Last year around this time, I was admitted to the hospital for my severe depressive disorder…or whatever the fuck they called it. So I got to stay in the chamber of insanity hospital for about 5 agonizing days and missed my brother’s birthday.
I’ve been in therapy about a year now, longest I’ve ever been continually going. Along the way I got to be diagnosed with something lovingly called PTSD. That shit right there likes to tag-team with all the other emotions you got and send you into a downhill whirlwind. I would like to personally thank 3 people, no names mentioned, for disowning me, molesting […]
One day…I hope to not feel rejected or unwanted by people I love.
And the Christmas music in this waiting room is going to drive me back to the ward.
Bah Humbug.
Well. I’m afraid I’m going to lose a friend to suicide, no matter how hard I tried to make him see otherwise. It’s ultimately his choice. And I’m not gonna force him to change. But the more I think about why I’m still here myself, is I just don’t have the damn luxury to commit suicide like some of the lucky people do. I just don’t have the luxury. I have too many people to take care of. And if I didn’t have one scrap of love for them, then I’d say fuck off and then hang myself like I always think about. But I […]
I know I barely post here anymore, but I still come back every now and then to read your stories. I recently read Shephard’s goodbye. He was a great friend to me a while back and I lost contact with him for a while. I need to know if any of you have had contact with him since his final post. I sent him an email, but haven’t had any response. And I know I may not hear from him for different reasons… But I just need some closure. It’s killing me. Please, if anyone has heard from him, or knows if he’s still with […]
I wish you would say hello to me. Ask me how I’m doing. But I know you will always choose her over me and I will sit here with all the loyalty and love I had for you and let it rot.
being alone hurts but I think it’s necessary now.
but forget about lonliness. My goal for the next hour, if my therapist decides to roleplay in session again in a few minutes, is to not have a breakdown on the way home again. Can’t fucking live the nightmares over and over again.
I miss you so much. I miss talking with you, I miss being with you, your company was my distraction from the dark void in my head.
The flashbacks I’m having are brutal. I constantly want to kill everyone around me. The anxiety and anger is just getting worse. I can’t go out in public without my eyes darting back and forth like someone is out to get me. I hate people.
Last therapy session made me rehash things that I long buried, I relived the shock and disgust. Therapist even commented on the scared look in my face. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I was ok for a little while….wasn’t having any suicidal thoughts until WHAM.
Now once again, I’m questioning if I’m going to make it to 21.
I broke my 2 month long spree of being clean from cutting on Wednesday. I’ve got the perfect idea for a sketch in my mind and tonight I think I’ll finish it off with a little blood.
Part of my diagnosis is PTSD. I didn’t know that until today’s session. What else do I have to fucking work through?
end rant
Honestly, was anything I ever said or did good enough? Am I just someone you knew now? Is it because I wasn’t going to coddle you and baby you whenever you had a boo boo? Grow the fuck up. I’m not your mother.
What do you have to do nowadays to get people to stay by your side? Nothing I suppose. Because no one will stay by your side. You reach out for help and people spit on your hand.
All my friends, all my trusted companions, gone now because I obviously wasn’t their ideal person to associate with. The trust circle I have contains 2 people. […]
Not for anything but I’m so sick of feeling lonely and insecure and useless and inadequate. For once in my life I’d love to have a friend or a significant other stick with me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that I have a life worth living. Sometimes I just have to be reminded, because the self pep talks are useless.
It’s probably extremely pathetic on my behalf, but I’ve recently started talking with my ex again. It’s stupid but I miss him. He’s married to an absolute ***** who’s driving everyone away from him, and I’ve warned him numerous times to get out […]
RIP Robin Williams. When I heard of his death, and the method, it disturbed me because I said, “even great people can be beaten by the demons”. Fuck suicide, fuck depression. It’s a fucking epidemic. Pardon my French, I’m having bad anxiety and self harm urges again today. And lately I’ve also wanted to “pretend” hang myself again. I used to tie a rope around my neck and yank until I felt like I was gonna pass out. I figure I better not do it but damn the urges to do whatever I can to be self destructive is so great.
Help me God.
While I was watching this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2vg62IuG34
My brain said out of nowhere, “I don’t want to die.” Like, my legit inner voice said that after watching that old man fight “the angel of death”.
Can you believe that? And any other given day, and even today, I don’t care if I live or die. Seriously brain?
I was prescribed Ativan for my anxiety, but wen I took it, that shit made me feel so horrible I thought I had relapsed back to day one, before admission to the hospital. So tonight since my urges to cut are bad still, and haven’t subsided at all….my mom suggested I take Xanax which has taken the place of Ativan. More then likely gonna zombify me since I took it with my Seroquel….ugh.
fucking urges to self destruct and self mutilate are so strong today….I can’t give in…come on, get it together Gianna, almost 4 weeks clean, don’t ruin it now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pl76R8u4mg
I want to cut myself so bad right now. It’s like the longer I go without, the more intense the urges become. I should reward myself for going almost 3 weeks without any bloodshed. Positive reinforcement, or whatever that psychology theory is.
It might sound weird, but I almost miss the smell of the blood, the feel, the sight. I could get so much red out of just a few small wounds.
Why do I miss it?
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