I was doing ok for a little while. I’m finding myself becoming more scatter brained and slowly relapsing back into my depressive state. I’m becoming angry with people I shouldn’t, missing people that don’t miss me, and loving people that don’t love back. I can’t seem to find a balance….this balance they all speak of.
And at the end of the day I hate the fact I lived through it.
Does anyone have experience with it? My nurse practioner says she’s seen an 80% cure rate in her clients.
Cure? For this? It sounds too good to be true.
Can I convince myself that I’m fine? For a while I’ve been relatively ok. Not majorly depressed, and not happy….just existing.
My kitty had a seizure this evening, and my mother got bit real bad (cat is diabetic and her sugar dropped to practically nothing). I’ve had this cat since I was 3. So she’s 17 now. It was awful….I’m going to lose my buddy in a few months. I have no choice. But death is a part of life.
Tonight’s stress seems to have made me relapse. I don’t want to cut again, but I feel like I have to simply because I haven’t for almost […]
Every time I walk into my psychiatrist’s office, I walk out with a new prescription. Makes me sick.
When you know someone’s true colors and everyone else thinks their such an amazing person who can do no wrong.
No, but get on their bad side after investing your all and they’ll drop you like they never knew you.
My mother keeps pushing me to take an ADD test to see if I indeed have ADD. Then if I do….I take more medicine.
Pills pills pills.
What else can be possibly wrong with me?
I see my therapist in a few minutes…I should ask.
Today I got back in touch with an old friend/mentor of mine, and we got into talking about things. He said how when he was younger he thought about the possibility of death/suicide, and he eventually explained how he was able to overcome…or snap out of his dark state.
By realizing he was his own worst enemy.
And that’s me. I’m my own worst enemy.
But still, I hate when I have dreams so vivid and real it’s like I’m seriously there. I could feel everything last night in my one particular dream. Feeling the slice and stab of the knife as I tried defending myself. That after-the-fact pain, the bleeding. I could see the bleeding. It was so real, the way it seeped down my side and soaked into my shirt. I strangely enjoyed that.
Self harm withdrawal? Medication side effects? A combination of both? Who knows.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VjTG21T8aU
People piss me off. I piss myself off. I wish I felt something other than this. I probably need to go back to the blade. And do the “homework” my therapist gave me.
My dad only tells me he loves me when it’s convenient. He calls our house and is like “Who is this?” when I answer. I couldn’t tell if he was joking, but I say sarcastically, “One of your kids”. He then says that one of my sisters calls, and I tell him I’ll let her know that he called back. “Alright, bye.” Then hangs up.
Lol that’s the most I’ve talked to him in about 2 months. Yeah I know some people don’t get to talk to their dads at all. Sometimes I wish he was completely gone so I didn’t have to be tortured by his superficial asshole yet nonexistent […]
Hope you had a nice day. I on the other hand, I’m suffering from what I think is Klonopin withdrawal. While watching the fireworks I almost passed out and now I feel very short of breath and just… out of it. That’s okay, it’s to be expected, I think.
I think we need a day to celebrate freedom from this illness. If we ever become free.
Well, I’m starting Prozac.
Can you OD on it? Maybe that’ll be a good thing to stack up with my Klonopin, Zoloft, Seroquel, and capsule full of Benadryl/whatever other kind of headache medicine I found in the kitchen (if I do decide to OD…I’m iffy about that type of exit). Although since I’m stopping those two drugs and only taking Klonopin as needed, if I were to take a bunch at once maybe it’ll be a complete shocker to my system. Then again, I seem to be unaffected by meds half the time so I’m probably going to fail in an OD attempt.
I’m so frustrated with my […]
There comes a point where you just stop reaching out. Stop asking for help, for encouragement, for company, for conversation, for love….for anything.
there comes a point when you just stop.
It always seems like the people who truly DO have something to feel bad about, don’t. Then I feel bad for feeling bad and ask myself, “Am I really sick? Or am I just pathetic?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKTg_INHgpc
Why am I either so angry, sad, or blank all the time?
You seemed so full of sweetness at the start
But like a big red rose that’s made of paper
There isn’t any sweetness in your heart
Paper Roses
Paper Roses
Well they put me on Seroquel. My jerk for a psychiatrist…..or should I say nurse practitioner says she’s seen a lot of good results from people on that medicine.
whatever.
Sitting in the hospital waiting to see my therapist and I just want to break down and cry. Holy shit. Then tomorrow I get to see the psychiatrist. Maybe they’ll actually give me a pill that works.
Doubt it.
Screams for blood–but not for yours.
Times enough you bled your best;
Sleep on now, and take your rest.
I decided I won’t leave the site. Mostly out of loneliness. This past month has been an unbearable hell, losing two people I really, really cared for. I’ve been lost as to what to do with myself. I’ve been really battling just ending it, and now because I’ve been such a numb, lonely, distraught mess, I don’t even know if I deserve something as easy as suicide.
Maybe I deserve to suffer for another 60+ years. And I know people come and go out of your life, but too many people go and never come back. I literally have no one outside my immediate family (meaning only my […]
Please log in to report posts