Even though you don’t love me
Just tell me you love me.
I can give you what you need.
Even though you don’t love me.
And you still want to die?
In the words of eartha kitt: ” a man comes into my life and I have to compromise?? Hahahahahahahaha”
I said
Hell no
What is wrong with being a highly functioning addict anyway
“I think its better if I dont come over today. I dont really feel like being used and treated like a whore today”
“Thats fine, ill see you another day. Maybe somewhere next week”
I mean. This was an expected answer. It still made me quite sad. I dont know why. Like I said. It was expected. Our agreement basically is that I let him use me like a whore. It makes me feel usefull. Slightly less worthless than I am when Im not being used.
Still I sort of hoped he would tell me I could come over anyway and we could just hang out, maybe play […]
Fucking anxiety. For fucks sake.
I just had an awful dream. Where one of my biggest fears actually happened. Thats not a first, no. This time it was in my house though. I cant remember if some parts actually happened before, because thats what it feels like, or if its all made up.
I have to pee but its still dark. I woke up about an hour ago. Around 6:10 am. Ive been waiting for it to turn light. I cant sleep anymore because then Ill return to the dream. I actually just got myself to move so I finally got on my laptop. Havent gotten myself […]
I am a mess.
Inside and out.
The most frustrating thing is always to know that you have created your own mess yourself.
No one did anything to me , ever. I created all this shit myself.Every bad thing that has happened, has happened because of me.
I either deserved it or asked for it.
And now I have to go and complain about it.
Its bullshit.
Im a stupid ****.
I wish I was worthy of being loved.
It is getting far beyond ridiculous now.
You know are going insane when you can feel someones hand on your head when theres no one supposed to be here.
Even now I confirm to myself via writing that I know it is my mind fucking with me – I can still feel the hand on my head.
Im done. I need a shotgun or something.
I have not been eating much lately.
obviously on the night my mind decides to create even more visions and noises that arent there Im getting hungry.
Usually I like the scratching feeling you get when youre hungry.
I just want some food now.
And weed.
I need weed. I cant sleep without it.
But I cant move. I cant leave my room. I need to stay where I am.
Its stupid. You know the shit you see is not real. Yet it is terrifying as fuck.
I have not been moving – except for my hands to type – for quite some time now.
Not sure what I will think will happen if […]
Its odd.
I always feel like I do everything to please everyone.
Yet I’m always told I’m an insensitive, selfish ****.
I guess my view of myself is even more disturbed than I thought.
Who am I not to listen to the universe?
Sometimes I can be rather silly.
Sometimes I actually think people can enjoy talking to me because they like me. I know its a silly thing to think. Because it’s not true. And there has never been any evidence to prove I am worthy of being treated like a normal human being.
I guess people can sense when youre willing to do everything for them. Because I am, basically. Give me some attention and Ill worship the ground you walk on.
Its rather pathetic.
I just wish someone would want to talk to me because they find me interesting, and not because they want to fuck me and/or hope I […]
Ok. Its time to look for better methods.
Fuck it. I just decided I’m not gonna do the exams. Let’s see how much I have to fail before theyre gonna kick me out of college.
I always make schedules.
According to my schedule I had to have readen all three books I needed to read for the two exams I had. According to my schedule I had to finish them last friday. Which was possible if I wasnt just a complete ****.
I already decided to do only one exam because I thought that would be easier and I would at leats get to finish reading for 1 subjct. And I cant. I cant get to finish it. And its not even that hard.
According to my schedule I was supposed to start studying an hour ago. And I didnt do it. Because […]
My mother told me once when I was about 11/12. That she gave more care to my brothers because she saw that I needed the attention less. I could take care of myself.
I guess that is sort of how I lived the next 10 years. I dont need anyone. I can take care of myself. Except for this site I never really talk about my shit.
I rant a lot. I am probably one of the most moody people you will ever meet. I nag about pretty much everything I see.
Im a negative person. The glass is always half empty.
Still it would be nice from time to […]
Im sitting on my bed. Not knowing what to do. I wish I had some friends to do nice things with. Or just hang out with..
I need contact with the outside world to feel a bit more sane. But I cant get it.
I dont know how you make people to like you. How do people make friends?
I hate being alone all the time. I dont want to be alone.
I really wanted to leave. But I didnt. I just lay here in my bed crying, curled up in a ball. Which is how I spend most of my days, actually.
I texted my only friend. I dont know why. The conclusion of that conversation was that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. There were various reasons: I’m selfish. I live in my own world. I have a lack of respect. I treat people like shit.
Thoe all sound like very legit reasons. I just spend the last hour making sure I absolutely have no contact with the outside world whatsoever except for this […]
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