It’s always the same. In school they force you to work together with your classmates to create a presentation or something. But the word “together” is totally non-sense. Guess who always turned out to do all the work and receive no credit at all for it. The explanation is so simple that I am astonished even teachers don’t understand it: Just take a group with 3 people, grades A B and C+ or whatever. If A wants to retain his good grade he will have to do the work all alone, since neither B nor C- can do the work necessary to receive an A; […]
Listening to certain pieces of music instantly triggers anxiety attacks, my mood worsens in just a few minutes and I get those thoughts that I would actually like to avoid. The pieces aren’t special or particularly high quality, it’s rather the fact that I listened to them for a period of time when I felt really bad and thus my brain associates it with these kind of emotions. I can actually trace some songs to the time and reason of feeling bad, which is kind of funny since I was listening to music to make me feel better and now it does the exact opposite. […]
Everyone is gone for Halloween. Even my lol online friendlist is completely empty, and they are nerdos like me! How come everyone else is having fun on a day like this and I am just sitting here doing what I always do. Oh right, for a second there I forgot I have no friends. Hm, maybe I should acquire some imaginary friends, but they’ll probably dump me as well. I guess that only leaves only the computer. At least he doesn’t judge.
Do what your supposed to do all day long; job, education or whatever else. You do it because society wants you to do it. There’s no true freedom if you’re told from the first second you’re on this earth that your life is already planned out ahead of you and you only have to live through it and then die.
Freedom means creativity, means purpose in doing something. A true act of freedom is drawing a sunflower on the back of the essay you’re working on, is wearing a pink hoodie to your bank appointment, is going to sleep without setting the alarm, is saying hi […]
Fuck, I can’t do this anymore. Can’t get up, can’t go outside, can’t make friends, can’t lie to my family anymore. This pressure is too much, like my head was exploding. I don’t wanna die, really. There’s beauty in life but I am not destined to feel it. I need someone to give me a purpose, someone to share a lifetime with. I don’t want to get this university degree for myself, I don’t fucking need it. I could as well get a job at a local IT firm, enough to pay for a small apartment and everything I need. But that’s not the life […]
When it comes to “intellectual conversations” I tend to be able to participate pretty well, at least if I have an opinion on the matter. Or conversations with a specific subject, like politics, economy, morality, science, technology, computer or whatever. No problem. But as soon as it comes to small talk or talking with each just out of fun or to kill time I suck as hell most of the time. I mean when I’m with my two friends I don’t think about it at all and we don’t even care about what anyone says but it’s still fun for all three of us. But […]
I’ve always been told that I’m living wrong, I’m doing things wrong, I have the wrong hobbies and interests, hanging out with the wrong friends, being either to shy or to loud, spending my time wrong, treating people wrong. And I have always believed them, my family, my friends, my teachers or whoever I was in contact with. I tried to be like them, like the “cool guys at school” even though it was exactly them who bullied me for years; I tried to befriend them and act like them, because every input I got from anyone was about me being wrong and them being […]
Somewhere in Norway, or Sweden or Canada. It’s clear water, maybe in the mountains and it snows during winter. And you can go fishing there, I’ve never been fishing but I would learn how to. A cat and a dog, we would do long walks along the lake in summer, and when it’s cold outside we’d cuddle by the fire with lots of blankets and hot chocolate. I’d even grow my own food if I had to, just a small garden with vegetables. I would have […]
I didn’t even care who would get to be the driver on our new car tonight. Of course I would’ve loved to drive, so – without thinking about it – I took the offer to gamble about it. *sarcasm on* Just by empirical observation of past gambles I should have known that against all odds I somehow manage to lose every single time. *sarcasm off* After my one sister won the first round to drive on the first way, my other sister and me should have gambled about the way back from the restaurant, but I refused. That wasn’t the best choice obviously, but in […]
“The Suicide Project is a website devoted to allowing people to share their stories of desperation and depression… and ultimately of hope.”
I think in the light of recent events it is important not to forget what the purpose of this special website is. Regardless of how different the reasons for us to come here might be, what unites us is the suffering we experience and the desire to end it one way or another. No matter what part of the world you come from, what race or gender you are, what kind of sexuality you are living, what religion you might or might not belong […]
to try to open up to her? Like seriously, I asked her about it, but she had no interest at all to talk about it. “I don’t want to talk it.” I hate you, whoever told me to do this 🙁 She was nice about it though. She wasn’t upset or rude or anything, I guess she just thinks I’m not the person to talk to about stuff like that.
Btw, I asked our running instructor for her email, and she emailed me her skype account and we chatted a few times over the last few weeks. I have no idea how she thinks about me, […]
That’s how long she’ll be in England for her internship. Just why. Every freaking time we went jogging it was more fun; and today was so great too, we ran together the whole time and laughed and had fun. And afterwards when I said goodbye and wished her luck for her trip I asked whether she was going to go jogging with us again when she’s back from England. She said “yes, probably” and that it’s 12 weeks until she’ll be back, as if she was expecting me to ask for her number or email or anything so we could talk or chat when she’s […]
http://play.textadventures.co.uk/games/cdf3rzcv60mbayjia3paig/Sacrifice3.html
I don’t know, I just felt like writing something. It takes about 5-10 minutes to play through the whole thing, so whoever does so: Please tell me whether you liked it or not.
There is three types of idiots in this world: Idiots who do evil because they like seeing you suffer or because they want to show off in front of their “friends”. Then there is those who don’t care about the consequences of their actions; they don’t intentionally hurt you but if through any of their actions you take damage they don’t give a single fuck – aka “Don’t get in my way.” The last type are the ones who don’t understand or know about the consequences of their actions, either because they are too dumb to figure it out or because they just haven’t realized […]
and I thought it is worth sharing. Never heard of Samuel Barber before, but I won’t forget the name now that I have listened to this beauty.
So some of you may remember one of my earlier posts where I talked about my jogging group and this girl I talked to. Even though the first time it was pretty awkward, we had some nice conversations over the last few times. And she even smiles or laughs sometimes when I say something funny (at least when I say something, I don’t say a lot though). And sometimes she falls back or speeds up to run next to me even if we’re not saying anything. And she always smiles and says good bye after the jogging. I know I suck at interpreting those “signs” […]
I think this is one of the most important unanswered philosophical questions at this time. Are you right now and you in a minute from now identical, apart from whatever experiences you may have made in this minute? (A) Is there something which identifies you as a distinct human being which is preserved over time?
You could for example imagine a duplication machine which copies every particle and all of it’s properties of an object and creates a new object with these particles which will be identical to the first object. (Let’s just assume this were scientifically possible (B) – which we don’t know of course […]
and any other positive feelings. Not because I dislike positive emotions, but because I know they will not last long. And once they are over, you’re off even worse than before. It’s like life is constantly trying to show me how happy I could be only to smash all these hopes on the next occasion. I know the same thing is used in sleep deprivation where they let a subject get close to falling asleep only to wake him up with a slap in the face. It’s torture and forbidden with good reason.
My brain is naive enough to fall for the trick every single time. […]
Let me ask a stupid question again. So I am taking part in this research study on how sports activity affects depressed people. We are 5 participants and 4 jogging instructors, but it was only the first meeting, so apparently more people will join in later. Anyways, some of you may know I am shy. And I was running next to a girl for the first 10 minutes and we said nothing, it was really awkward. Eventually she just jogged past me and started talking to another girl and I ended up talking to another computer science student about technical stuff. It really bothers me […]
“I loved you. I still do.” Tears run down her face and drop from her cheeks. She looks at the lifeless body, the closed eyes and takes one hand, as she used to. It feels cold and limp. “Do you remember as a child, when you came running towards me, jumped on my lap and gave me long hugs whenever I wasn’t feeling well? Now, when I need you the most, you are not even here to hold my hands.” Her voice was weak and she stuttered, but she knew he could hear her. It was then when she noticed how peaceful he looked, as […]