“His retreat into himself is not a final renunciation of the world, but a search for quietude, where alone it is possible for him to make his contribution to the life of the community.”
— C.G. Jung
I can’t really explain the hiatus. I’m not “back,” but i checked back on rare occasions, and was notified of a few favorable mentions, and, things have been especially bleak and torturous in the last couple months, so, i figured i’d pop in and say “hey.”
Hey.
To whom it may concern:
I just wanted you all to know (you know who you are), that i appreciate the time and energy, as well as the privilege of an audience, and debate… the interactions… those of you who have, have shared with me.
You all helped me in ways i cannot sufficiently verbalize, even in the harsh times. I spent a lot of time here, shared many thoughts, ideas and feelings, with many people. You guys were like my e-family. You guys were there to challenge me, or to comfort me, or to just occupy my focus… when i needed anyone, and had no one […]
So tomorrow (US time, the 3rd) is my birthday… this morning i received a notification from what i have dubbed “the SP birthday bot.”
SP birthday bot claimed the “honor” of “drawing first blood” on birthday wishes.
The irony is potent.
Imagine… a person trapped in a life they wish had never occurred, who has frequented a suicide-centric website for over a year… receives a BIRTHDAY wish, from this site’s computer program (“bot”), prior to anyone else who has ever known me (aside from my mom and the older of my two half-sisters, with both of whom i share a domicile).
The first entity outside my residence, to mention […]
Because wordplay.
Here i sit on SP, contemplating mortality, nine-something pm my time, and fireworks whistle and pop, not far away. Three days early. I doubt the people launching them have any real clue just what it is they’re supposed to be celebrating… or how jeopardized and compromised that particular thing has come to be.
I wanted to make some kind of… soup reference, or something, but alas, i’m not in gear for that at this time. It’s just that the 4th of July has been an increasingly stark source of irony for me, since i found myself awake.
I wonder if they know what “Independence” really means.
I […]
“Life is what happens while you’re busy trying to fix RSI.” (repetitive strain injury) [this is actually paraphrased]
Now substitute “RSI” with whatever you haven’t been able to fix or change, regardless of who is at fault or to blame. It could be paralysis or disease or heartbreak, or even chronically reduced self-esteem, due to an abusive childhood, or even just “bullying.” It could even be that you simply realized that humanity seems to embrace and prioritize the most absurd things and notions, and even decides to mandate injustice and tyranny into “law.”
To simplify:
“Life is what happens while we’re busy trying to fix what went wrong […]
technically not dead, visited the site a few times, saw some people wondering… resisted the urge to reply, until now.
SP events happened to coincide with an opportunity for some KB (note: this is what my age group calls good weed; it’s short for “kind bud,” which indicates that it’s not “just schwag” or “brick weed,” but is instead, properly grown and almost always seedless); after almost 2 years of abstaining, for what had become apparently irrelevant motivations, i reached my breaking point, and really wanted some. The sample i received, turned out to be… well, i can’t say it was “the best ever,” but it […]
i’m feeling very unstable today. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like anxiety i guess, but without the active intensity part. I don’t feel “nervous” or “frightened” or anything like that… just very lethargic and scattered… like oppressively lethargic, to the point where i’d struggle to do anything physical at all. I should cut the grass, but i feel so… “weak and powerless,” and completely disinclined, like i just don’t give a shit. I’ll probably go do it right after this, and it’ll probably suck as much as i remember… but that’s not what’s stopping me. I don’t mind doing it, but […]
…when everyone wants a Mountain.
Being a Foggy Mist, when everyone wants a Flood.
Becoming a Flood, when everyone wants Sunshine.
Becoming Sunshine, when everyone wants The Night.
Becoming The Night, when everyone wants The Dream.
Striving to become The Dream, but becoming The Reality.
Realizing The Reality is made of the act of flowing through the stream of striving to appease ever changing requirements…
To become The Mountain no River could ever Be.
Everyone wanted a Mountain to Climb, but all i could ever do was Be Water, and flow down, to ultimately be absorbed into, and washed away by, The River of Deceit… and to eventually be deposited into the Sea, […]
indefinitely as i drift among the currents, indefinitely will i vie for optimal position in the flow.
But… lately i’ve been feeling that feeling, much more deeply; less indefinitely…
And maybe it’s just time… or almost time… and i’m not really sure what good waiting will ever do, if it’s all i can do, and only without any chance to make any of the changes overdue.
So many things, circumstances, scenarios, all converging and intersecting at once… that i can’t really even… communicate, i guess.
Too many things went wrong, long ago, and started a bunch of chain reactions, which have all been feeding into and compounding each other, […]
I can’t figure out why that still astonishes me. Clearly i have encountered this aspect of reality, countless times… but each further encounter, with such things, continues to astonish me.
And i realize this must be some kind of “flaw” in my perception or cognition… but i just can’t seem to avoid being astonished by that, for which i’ve already seen plenty of evidence to justify a reasonable and unwavering expectation.
It’s troubling to me, even on a personal level, because i realize i shouldn’t be astonished, due to the sum total of all my experiences, and the plethora of seemingly endless evidence and indications, serving to […]
“maybe tomorrow will change my mind…”
“maybe tomorrow will bring something i can’t predict or foresee, that will be worth the wait, and all the lost time…”
“maybe i don’t have to go yet, and maybe tomorrow won’t be as bad as it always seems to end up being…”
But… probably not.
Maybe i’m tired of deluding myself in the name of survival… since survival itself seems to be a detrimentally fruitless endeavor.
If i have to go through the mental acrobatics of deluding myself intentionally… i need to gain something worthwhile, to justify doing that. But that doesn’t seem to ever happen.
So i keep thinking…
“maybe tomorrow…”
…a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
I can’t separate the things i want, from the things i can’t stand, or handle, or accomplish.
Everything i do want, is attached to enough of something i don’t, to invalidate pursuit.
I can’t find anything that is both available to me, and also worth my efforts to gain it, which are inevitably and irrevocably connected to conditions and/or consequences i can’t, or won’t, endure.
I can’t find, even with all i know and the capacity of my mind to “imagine,” anything… that fills me with both belief and motivation to achieve, accomplish, or attain it… but that is also available, and […]
I want to do something else. But i can’t access any of the stuff i really want to do, and of the stuff that’s available, i’m not significantly interested or motivated by any of it.
On the other hand, i want to do nothing. But there are all these constant, continual requirements of merely existing, which require effort and time and energy and action… but i don’t see anything of comparable value resulting from paying the cost of those requirements.
I mean… i’m existing… i’m “alive…”
But so what?
There are indeed things i see in life that i would be significantly interested in, and motivated by… but their […]
an island lost at sea…
Maybe suicide, and by extension, any death, isn’t as big a deal as we, the living, tend to make it out to be?
Maybe ‘they’ are right: maybe we really do simply need to “just get over it.”
After all, being debilitated by sadness and “wallowing in self pity,” pining away in poignant poetry, languishing in labyrinthine lament… doesn’t really make anything any better… does it? It doesn’t help you live your life, or reduce the suffering of your sorrows. It doesn’t funnel your energy into a concentrated beam of razor sharp precision, to become useful in cutting out all the parts you don’t like, and severing […]
Can’t even stand to read comments anymore.
It just blows my mind, how so many people of all different walks of life, from all over the world, with fundamentally different and incompatible views/mindsets/perspectives/religions/etc. …
All find too much wrong with the world, too much wrong with life in this world, that they often feel they would rather just die, than continue living.
People say life is beautiful… but our world today is so ugly (arguably, primarily due to the people in it), that all kinds of different people who otherwise have nothing in common, are seeing so much wrong, with so many things, in so many ways, that a group of incompatible people has […]
Last few days i’ve felt pretty lost. Not so much that i don’t know where i am, or where i want to go, but that i have no idea how to get there, or how to not be stuck where i am. It’s a different kind of lost; much more like ‘stuck.’
Kinda feelin’ like i gotta go.
I don’t really want to, but i can’t seem to find another way forward or out.
Need money, but can’t get it. And since i can’t get money, i can’t do anything but wait for more of my life to tick away into the abyssal past, unspent. So as long […]
A fictional account of a better idea, from the mind of a man wearing worn pants.
I found this a while back and have often wanted to share it, but always struggled to remember the name, or locate the link buried in my countless bookmarks… but here it is.
“The Ragged Trousered Philosopher’s Conversation With God”
(I totally didn’t expect that site-cap to occupy the entire front page; my bad.)
Just wanted to share this here for you guys, as i think many of you may find it interesting, possibly useful.
And for those of you whose eyes have opened wide enough, to see […]
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