Half an hour and I’ll be 25.
Anything could happen tomorrow. Will anyone put some light in my life? I hope so, I’m kind of confident that good things will happen. But I know what happens when you expect too much for your birthday.
Oh, there’s also that… tomorrow will have past a year since the last message I received from my dad. Will he at least let me know that he’s alive? If he does, will he be nice, or just as asshole as he was last year?
Hard to understand? Well it was the first one in a year that didn’t involve suicide in any form.
I dreamt that I was pregnant and the baby was very ill and could not survive. It’s because of something I saw yesterday on Facebook… and I woke up with a horrible feeling… but… the fact that is the first dream without suicides since my stepfather killed himself is kind of good. And also… by writing this I’m realizing that I do want to have a child. Not now, of course, but… it is a true desire. Maybe that’s something to hold on for…
PS: I’m sorry […]
Not hurting my mum is starting to not be enough to keep me living.
I’m scared. Maybe being scared is a good thing, but suicide has stopped being an idea to become a real possibility.
Two weeks and I’ll be 25. Or not.
Any Catalan around?
Today is the best day of the year. The streets are full of books and roses, and people walking, smiles and lovers.
But I feel nothing about it. Not this year. I may just stay in bed.
So a friend has been talking with me in WhatsApp for the last week. We hadn’t seen each other for months, and I had stopped talking to her months ago cause she didn’t reply.
So she has been talking to me this week, and today she called me crying. And, stupid as I am, I immediately drove to see her.
I could feel her pain, and I could relate to everything she was telling to me, as I feel it myself. But it just felt so wrong to be there for her even when she’s never there for me…
Maybe I should just stop trying. Maybe I should just stop living.
I’m tired, and I’m not important to anyone. Maybe it’s time to go.
I was so happy yesterday. I had a drink with some friends and they were so surprised and happy to see me ok. I had a good time.
So I can’t understand why I woke up today wanting to die, and why all the problems seem so big that I’m afraid to even think about them.
I swear that if hell exists it must be similar to the physical pain I’m feeling right now in all the right side of my face and head, combined with the psychological pain I have usually.
Good news is that I can’t have both at the same time so, for now, the psychological one is gone.
However, I could shoot myself right now to stop this horrible pain.
This is a stupid post and has nothing to do with the main topic, but it’s 2:45 in the night, I’m kind of dying and I need to distract myself some way. The pain killer pills are not […]
So today I was inviting people to something on facebook, and I just saw her face among my friends.
That sweet girl who used to be my friend on highschool and killed herself some years ago.
It’s kind of weird having her on facebook. It makes me feel… I don’t know how. Specially seeing her childish face when everyone else has become an adult.
It’s like if a piece of world had stopped moving. And there she is, being 19 years old forever.
I remember that I saw her a month before her dead. Even if our friendship didn’t have a good end and we hadn’t […]
I just don’t want to live that way. And I can’t see any way out.
I don’t want to be me. I want to be somebody else.
I can’t stand this silence. Even when music is on, even when somebody is screaming. There’s so much silence. The world is silent. My world.
There’s nothing in it. Music doesn’t exist anymore.
So my mum’s boyfriend committed suicide last year.
Before he killed himself, I was not talking to him. Not because he did something horrible, he had just told me that I wasn’t helping about my mother’s depression, that he had to do all by himself. I was also already depressed, and I just became so mad that he couldn’t see all what I was doing and all what I was going through, that I just didn’t talk to him for the whole week.
And then, one night I saw him, and the whole thing was like “hello, how are you?”, “she’s waiting for you”. And […]
-Are you OK?
-Yep.
-Really? You look terrible.
-Oh, thank you, I love you too.
(No, I’m not OK, I feel devastated, I just want to cry, I don’t know why the hell I’m even here, I dream about killing myself every night, please help me find a way to tell you that I want to die, just telling you some of the things that are wrong with an ironic comment at the end has stopped being enough, I want you to know how broken I feel, I don’t care about the causes anymore, I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong, you know my world is a […]
I think people are getting tired of me being that fucking sad all the time.
Worst part is that I am too. I hate myself. I hate being sad. I hate feeling stupid. I hate feeling useless. I hate this fucking anxiety.
I don’t want the world having this picture of me anymore. I don’t want them to think that I’m just looking for attention, or that I’m a poor sad broken kid.
But I can’t stop crying. And it’s been almost two years of crying almost every day. I should be dry by now.
And I keep reading about depressed people being unable to […]
Yes, I still think about you every day. Yes, I’m kind of masochistic.
It’s been almost a year from the last mail. Maybe four years from the last time I saw you.
I feel stupid. A little girl who can’t live without daddy. A kid who cries because daddy doesn’t love her.
Even if you caused me so much pain. Even if I remember all that fear I felt when you came home. And all those times you hurt me. Physically and psychologically.
I can’t help it. I still love you. I still wonder what you must be doing, if you’re sad, if you eat ok, […]
1. To not hurt my mother and sister.
2. To not abandon my dogs.
3. ?
Can’t find it.
– So, do you think the pilot crashed a plane with 150 people inside just because he didn’t want to live anymore?
– Maybe.
– But how can you live knowing that you are causing all that pain?
– That’s the point. You don’t. You die.
Nothing’s fine. Never. But the worse thing is not seeing people. I don’t see people at work, and there’s only my mother at home.
Being all day alone is killing me. I try to call someone, just that I forget that other people actually have a life and won’t be available just because the world suddenly seems so hard to me.
I want a life too. I don’t want to spend the day with this sad me, thinking about how nothing is fine, stopping myself to call again, just swallowing the anxiety.
Uhm. Luckily I’ve got Fridays, when I’m with people for two hours, so I can […]
So my mum is learning to drive (yeah, kinda late). Instead of feeling proud, I can only think that she will have an accident as soon as she gets the license.
Today a plane departing from Barcelona to Germany crashed… I knew that the odds of someone that I know being in the plane were minimal, but I’ve been all the day thinking about my friends living in Germany. What if they came home this weekend and they were in the plane going back there?
What if my sister kills herself? What if I walk the dogs and they eat something poisoned? What if that person, or […]
I guess that my mum’s depression and the suicide of his boyfriend made me learn a lot this past two years.
I know that everyone always say it, but you know it’s true: you need to look for help. Just tell someone what you are going through, call somebody when you have a crisis. They won’t make everything disappear, they won’t be there forever and they won’t probably fix anything, but having someone holding you in the worse moments does help a lot.
Depression tends to take us away from other people. We disappear of their lives and then we feel afraid or ashamed to call […]
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