When all you have left is exhaustion. When all your love has trickled into droplets in a vast empty darkness. The only thing that’s left is your sense of loyalty and misplaced faith.
They say the opposite of love is hate. But that’s not exactly true. The absence of love has always been indifference. Because how would you know hate, if you never know love? But how would you know love if there is nothing but emptiness inside?
I struggle with my emotions, with my deepest darkest thoughts.
Just because I like to be a little dark does not mean you can criticize me and say I should change.
I embrace this side of me wholeheartedly. It doesn’t stop me from being a pure white lily if that’s what I want to be. Me having dark thoughts doesn’t mean I don’t want to be blessed. Or that it’s necessarily fucking evil of me.
Why is it that I feel this way?
I should love my husband. But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of having to feel like I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m so tired of being disappointed. I’m so tired of being like this time and again. I want to leave, but I can’t.
I want to be happy. But I’ve been feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
When I look back to how things were, I see so many things has changed and how so many things had stayed the same.
It’s funny. Funny. I’m getting married soon. You would think I should be so excited. But I can’t bring myself to feel anything.
There used to be a time when I could not remember a time I wasn’t depressed or suicidal. It came to a point where I felt that these two things defined me, that I would not be me if I was not depressed or suicidal. It became my identity. Now, those times are few and far in between.
And yet, when […]
My life has underwent so many changes so fast. Yet, some things remained the same.
Dear Me,
There are many things I’ve been stupid for. But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that most of the time, my mouth likes to run faster than my brain. And I say things that hurt you.
For my partner and lover, I hope you don’t give up on me.
I’m sorry.
Please don’t mind me. I just need a safe place.
It’s as if there is a barrier in front of me. Invisible and lulling you into a false sense of security. It’s always waiting for me to falter at the last moment before striking out. Snap. Snap. Snap.
I hate this. It’s always the same, the same old thing every time. I can never put myself in a position to be strong enough to weather these kinds of moments. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that I have to be like this.
Sometimes, I think if I wasn’t so flexible, I’d have broken so, so very long ago.
Who said I was strong? Who said I […]
I’m tired of being tired…of being so exhausted every day trying to pretend everything is still fine.
I don’t want to keep on living like this anymore. This is not just about overcoming the obstacles that get in my way as I move down the path I took in this life. This is about fighting with the demon inside my head every single day, never winning, making progress by one step only to move five steps back at the next moment.
Rant time.
For a time there, I was wondering what I should do.
For a time there, I’ve been thinking about my future.
For a time there, I’ve thought about moving forward
For a time there, I started looking towards a different tomorrow.
But, that wasn’t it.
I let myself believe that it could be better.
I let myself believe that I would change.
Maybe because I’m weak.
and I’m wracked with crippling fear.
But I finally figured it out.
Right now, I’m only holding on to one thing.
When it finally breaks,
I already figured out what to do.
What I want to do.
It’s not today
Or tomorrow.
But.
I finally figured out […]
I’m a doll. A toy. I am not alive. I have no emotions. I feel nothing. I am nothing.
If I keep telling this to myself, I wonder, will I finally stop hurting? Will I finally stop being so sensitive? If I keep telling this to myself, will I eventually believe it? Will it become true?
When will it end? Can’t I just become nothing? Can I not just be empty?
I don’t want to feel pain, or sorrow, or disappointment. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. I don’t want to feel joy and happiness and excitement, when it just ends […]
I just want to rant/vent
I received the results today. It hurts so much.
I’m not allowed to cry. I’m not allowed to feel devastated over not getting what I worked my ass off for. I’m not allowed to dwell on the what ifs. I’m not allowed to be in pain because I just found out that those hours-days-months-years I spent was useless. I’m not allowed to feel bad for failing.
I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to get the fuck up if I fall down and move on, move forward. I get it. I get what I’m supposed to do.
But I can’t.
I’m not the strong person you think I am.
I […]
It’s been a stressful week. I’ve got bar exams in 3 days and here I am mulling over how my mother has been acting out like a child with a temper tantrum that my friends have been staying away from me. Instead of focusing on our studies we cried it out this afternoon and missed the first 2 hours of lecture. Instead of being stressed with exams, we were stressed with pressure from my own mother. Instead of helping out she was my most pressing problem. Instead of being my support she is a hindrance.
I can’t take it anymore. Her possessiveness is too much. I […]
How do i be happy celebrating the day I was given life when all I really want to do is take it away? Well…It’s not as if I’m really expecting an answer. I just wanted to let that out.
A friend once told me, if you pray to god real hard for something you really want, then he’ll grant you your wish. I’ve been wishing for a long time. But maybe I’m not wishing or praying hard enough. It’s made me wonder…do I even believe in god anymore?
I just want to let this out, you know?
I was talking with my friend and the subject of my ex came up. And that was just one relationship that went boom, exploded, guts all over. Metaphorically speaking. It ended badly. Now, I’m not a devout Catholic, in fact, I get the feeling that I’d be better off as an atheist. But a few weeks ago, on a whim, I went to confession and afterwards my friend found out I cried. So during our conversation my friend casually mentioned that it was probably that subject (the ending of that relationship) I was talking to the priest […]
It’s kind of funny. There are a lot of people who legitimately cannot use the feet and the legs they are given, and yet they keep struggling to move forward. But I, who have perfectly working feet and strong legs to carry me forwards, am unable to do so. I’m still trapped with my incompetence and inability to stand up for myself. I would fear that I’ll never move away from this cage I’m in, but I’ve long accepted it as fact. I can’t even bring myself to yearn for freedom anymore. And all I can do is cry.
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