I’m a doll. A toy. I am not alive. I have no emotions. I feel nothing. I am nothing.
If I keep telling this to myself, I wonder, will I finally stop hurting? Will I finally stop being so sensitive? If I keep telling this to myself, will I eventually believe it? Will it become true?
When will it end? Can’t I just become nothing? Can I not just be empty?
I don’t want to feel pain, or sorrow, or disappointment. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. I don’t want to feel joy and happiness and excitement, when it just ends up becoming fodder for all the pain. I don’t want to be given a moment’s happiness only to be taken away. I don’t want it. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to be. I just want it all to stop.
4 comments
I FEEL FOR YOU CAUSE ME TOO WHATS THE ANSWER OR THEN WHATS THE QUESTION
I FEEL FOR YOU CAUSE ME TOO WHATS THE ANSWER OR THEN WHATS THE QUESTION
i tell myself that ‘nothing matters’ all the time, but in the moment, and most of the time, things feel like they do matter, no matter how much i try to tell myself otherwise. i don’t want to kill myself, i just wish i was never born.
I was going to reply that all of those feelings; joy, disappointment, pain, happiness, excitement, grief… are part of life, part of human existence. Then I saw that you have been on SP since 2009 so this isn’t your first rodeo. I am going to waffle on anyway in the hope that something helps. I remember the first time I decided that I was never going to feel anything ever again. That I was a walking corpse from that moment on. It didn’t last, obviously. Recently I found myself having to accept that I have a dark, melancholy side and that I am just going to live with it. For sure all the sad and negative emotions are part of life and if someone’s cat dies they are going to be upset but I am upset, distraught and sometimes suicidal from just all kinds of things. Sometimes I just get totally fucked up about things that others would just shrug off. I think I just have to accept that that is how I am made. If I accept it and let it run its course which is hopefully a few hours I can get through it. I have to remember to eat and sometimes I have to let myself drink beer and sometimes let myself sleep for 12 hours. I get pretty sick of it especially if it starts happening on a weekly basis but I dunno, it just seems to be part of me, I don’t think I can change it. Joy can be kind of scary if the fear of crashing back in to the pit is lurking but, well, at least I have the respite of sometimes having that joy or at least feeling a bit happy. A few times lately I have found myself thinking something like ”Wtf, am I happy? This can’t be right.” But then I just think okay, I deserve to be happy but it is scary if I forget that the darkness can come back so maybe I try to hold on to the darkness so that it doesn’t spring out and surprise me. I don’t know if any of that makes sense.
Maybe life is like a desert and we can’t enjoy a day at the oasis because we know we have to go back into the desert again.