I know I wrote a post already tonight, but people have been really supportive and encouraged me to write how I’m feeling and stuff here, so I’m going to try. As I have mentioned in past posts, I have depression and PTSD as a result of seeing a friend commit suicide and being raped last year (among other events in my life). Since then I have felt so many terrible emotions, mostly aimed at myself. Disgusted, whore, alienated, *****, selfish, weak and freak are just some of the words that come to mind when I think of myself. I blame myself for letting it all […]
I never really got the above statement. I mean yeah everyone should appreciate what they have, but it doesn’t make our problems any less real or influential to our lives. Like today I told a friend that my PTSD and Depression was really getting to me and their response was “There’s people way worse off. Like think of the people in third world countries, they are starving.” Yes it is sad that they are starving and don’t get the same opportunities as others, but hearing that line did not and never does make my psychological issues go away or seem any less damaging than they […]
Is the pleasures of the afterlife being good to you? Or is religion correct and are you suffering for being who you were just like you were here? I never understood why you went back on your word right in front of me that night and did what you did, but now I do. The loneliness, betrayal, judgment and depression all got to you. You felt like no one understood you, and I thought you were wrong, but now I realize that you were right, no one did understand you or your struggles, not even me. I’m still not sure if I did the right […]
The title really says it all. I’m having a lot of flashbacks from different difficults parts of my life and I just want them to stop or at least reduce. So does anyone have any hints or tricks on how to stop/reduce them?
CPC
I was looking through my deviantart today and saw some old poetry I had worked on up to three years ago and realised that so much has changed, but at the same time, nothing had. I decided to put it here because I’d like to have it in one spot to look back on and remember how far I have come and it just feels right (probably sounds weird). They are in alphabetical order, not chronological and not all of them are suicidal as such (most were written before I realised what it was like to be suicidal), but they all are from the heart […]
Last night my non biological sister (best friend) tried to commit suicide. Everyone else seem to take it calmly and act like it didn’t happen, but I just couldn’t do it. I mean I know they were probably trying to do it to let her feel relaxed, but I can’t see how they can do that when others are at risk. Anyway, as you could probably tell, I wasn’t myself at all today and one of my friends (who doesn’t know I have issues) pulled me up on it and seeing as they had suffered from suicidal thoughts in the past, I told them and […]
I would firstly like to say rest in peace to Oliva. For those of you who don’t know, Oliva was a 14 year old girl who made a youtube video about bullying and suicide (along with her story) before actually committing suicide.
Now for my anger / upset rant. Shortly after I found out, all my facebook pages started blowing up with hate about how selfish she was and how she was just attention seeking. My heart just fell. We are the result of billions of years of evolution, we should start acting like it. We should all start trying to understand each other rather than […]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQVlZ-q7xHs
Just making a list that I can look back on whenever I feel down.
– Parents: Unlike what most people I know say about their parents, mine are amazing to me. They have supported me through everything and never left. If anything, they are here more than ever 🙂
– Close friends: They understand that I need them, but that I also need space.
– Boyfriend: I don’t even know where to start with how much he has helped me.
– My old therapist: The reason I can trust.
– My ex / now friend: The one person who completely understood and took all the […]
I just don’t see the point of staying here anymore… but at the same time I know I will probably be alright after letting some stuff off my chest. I don’t expect anyone to care though, because lets face it, that’s life for you…
CPC
I’m sitting here celebrating my 17th birthday with friends, my family and the boyfriend and things are actually looking up for a change 🙂 but something’s really bugging me. My grandfather came up to me a little while ago and made the comment “I’m glad you’re happy. I knew that “depression” phase would vanish.” At first I asked him what he meant and he started going on about how young I was and how it was impossible for me to feel real, long term depression. Now I’m just really annoyed. I mean just because I’m not an adult, doesn’t mean I haven’t had experience or […]
All I want is someone to hand me a gun so I can end it and not have to ever celebrate another shitty day again….
Everyone has a fear. Whether it’s spiders, the dark, loneliness or something else, everyone is the same. I’m different though. Yes I have these small fears, but my greatest fears are ones that no one seem to understand, humans and myself. The human fear is quite simple really. Just like having a bad experience with something worth fearing, a large number of humans that I know (including my so called “loved ones”) have all done stuff to make me feel like I can’t trust them and some have even pushed as far as to make me fear all humanity. Sure I go out with people […]
Just when my life takes a turn for the better, it takes another for the worse. I’m still dealing with the same shit, but now the people I put in prison for raping / helping rape me got released (biggest load of bullshit out -.-) and now I think my boyfriend wants to split just because I want to go to University in a different state to make sure I get the best education and experience. He always brings up leaving all the bullshit here and just leaving somewhere with me, so I offered him to come or to have a long distance relationship and […]
I really could just finish this now. All the bullshit from others, self loathing, anxiety and depression could be gone with just one slit. The knife is in my hand, no one is here to stop me, and even if they were, I doubt they would with how they feel about me now. I really want to do it and get it over with, but I just can’t seem to do it. God knows why, I mean it’s for the best, so why can’t I? Maybe somewhere inside I think it will get better, or maybe I am scared of failing that just like everything […]
Have you guys ever had your so called friends and family who you always try to help and who tell you they’ll always be there for you and help you, all you have to do is tell them only to shy away, expect something or insult you when you bring something? How do you deal with them? Like not all my friends and family like this, but the ones that are just lower my trust and self worth even more and making me feel terrible and awkward about telling the ones who actually care. It never use to bug me, but recently it has really […]
Sure we may not to be able to access to the weapons, or be forced to go and fight, but that doesn’t change the fact that we do. We viciously attack each other in many shapes and forms. Bullying, rape and assault are just some of the extreme ways that some people use to do this. The figures we look up to are the same. Sure they teach us all their good traits and beliefs and aren’t forcing children to kill each other, but it is like Paul says in the book All Quite on the Western Front; “They were suppose to be the ones […]
This is just a list of thoughts that I feel guilty about and wish I could tell different people. I’m willing to give further explanation if it’s needed, but yeah, I don’t expect anyone to ask or care or anything, it’s just a way to get it all out.
1. I should have got you both help rather than trying to be superwoman. I mean making a mistake once is bad, but making it twice is worse…
2. I should have never told what happened. Now we both feel guilty.
3. I should have tried to make things right earlier rather than letting you suffer alone
I know my last post was only a couple of hours ago, but something’s really bugging me and I was just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience. I guess I’ll put some background information for those who don’t know, but the question relates to any circumstance or scenario. Last year I was raped and nearly gang raped (I’m hoping as few of you as possible have been through that) and obviously most of it has stuck with me. But one of the details that has stuck with me most is what the guy who actually raped me said at the beginning.
“Don’t hold […]
Late last year I decided I was going to try get help for my issues. I started taking prescribed medication and I gained the courage to go see a psychiatrist again. In the past, I have had the type of psychiatrist that blamed me for everything and the type that just tried to fill me up with drugs. But this time I got one that actually helped. Sure we played video games a lot rather than just plain talking, but he never once tried to push me into anything I didn’t want to do or blamed me. I really started to feel better and even […]