Everyone has a fear. Whether it’s spiders, the dark, loneliness or something else, everyone is the same. I’m different though. Yes I have these small fears, but my greatest fears are ones that no one seem to understand, humans and myself. The human fear is quite simple really. Just like having a bad experience with something worth fearing, a large number of humans that I know (including my so called “loved ones”) have all done stuff to make me feel like I can’t trust them and some have even pushed as far as to make me fear all humanity. Sure I go out with people and even have a boyfriend, but I always fear that they will turn their backs on me or do something to hurt me in some way, shape or form. Pretty fucked up hey?
The fear of myself isn’t as easily explained, but I’ll give it a try. It’s not so much myself that I am afraid of as much as two parts.
1. How much I have changed in such a short time and
2. My subconscious
Change is normal. I know that. But to become everything you hate in less than six months is not. What’s worse is when people say things like “If you don’t like it, just change back”. It’s really not that simple.
I have never consciously tried to kill myself. Sure I’ve had many conscious thoughts about it, but I’ve never acted on them. Whenever I actually try to kill myself, it feels like I’m in a dream and “dying” won’t do anything (kinda like inception). That’s why my subconscious scares me. It acts out things I would never try otherwise. Yet no one understands that. They all think I’m just crazy and hate everyone enough to kill myself.
*re-reads over this* I’m going to stop their before I sound even crazier…
CPC
12 comments
”Fear is only in our minds but it’s taking over all the time” I know this is from an Evanescence song ”Sweet Sacrifice”.I hope I’m not wrong.
You’re right 🙂 it’s one of my favourite songs and suited well, so I used it.
🙂 I like that song too.
In this last year I’ve become everything I hate andseemed to loose all my morals and my sense if self…. I can’t seem to do anything to changei it. Killing myself seems like my only way out… Cause if this new me is who I have to be I really can’t do that
pep – sounds like you and I have something in common.
Sounds like you lost your moral compass a little. So, the question that I would ask you (which I have also asked myself) is two-fold.
First, can you be a big enough person to ask for forgiveness for what you did wrong (very hard / painful / embarassing).
Secondly, can you change. I am told that true repentance requires a change of heart. So, if you are truely sorry for your failures – then YOU have to do something about it.
I hope you are strong enough to humble yourself and admit that you are human – prone to mistakes. I can guarentee you – there is no way your mistakes are as great as mine were. Yet, I was forgiven. YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN TOO.
I don’t think it’s so much about asking for forgiveness its more about forgiving myself. I’ve become a horrible person. I’ve put my family and friends through shit and am continuing to do so.. My mind has become my enemy… I just can’t imagine going through life like this…
family….. Do you have kids?
No… Thank god. Dad brothers and sisters.
hmmm Okay, not sure if this thought will work as well on them or not….. But I will try.
Is there ANYTHING your sister could do that you would not still welcome them back and give her a hug? Seriously, anything that you did – would you turn your back on your sister if she did the same thing? Or would you forgive her and welcome her back?
The ‘protigal son’ parable always hit home with me. Now that I have kids I understand it much more. There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING my kids could say or do that would make me stop loving them.
They haven’t stopped loving me… I’m so lucky to have an amazing family that are still standing by me when I’m being such a ****! I can’t do anything about it. I seem to have lost all empathy for anything. It’s horrible to feel so dead inside.
forgiving yourself is not easy. I fully agree.
I hope you find the strength to do it.
Thank you I just don’t think I’ve got it in me… 🙁