I was looking through my deviantart today and saw some old poetry I had worked on up to three years ago and realised that so much has changed, but at the same time, nothing had. I decided to put it here because I’d like to have it in one spot to look back on and remember how far I have come and it just feels right (probably sounds weird). They are in alphabetical order, not chronological and not all of them are suicidal as such (most were written before I realised what it was like to be suicidal), but they all are from the heart and personally I think that’s what matters. If anyone sees this and has questions, feel free to ask 🙂
Addicted
How can I sleep
When I can barely breathe
How can I speak
When there’s nothing to say
Can’t you see what’s happening whenever you look at me
Of course not, because to put it simply
You choose not to
And because of this, I can’t stand you
Why do you do this to me
Or better yet, why do I let it be
I know I am not the only one
And yet I don’t run
And the tears will always leak
As long as I am weak
Weak enough to stay
Because you’ll do this every day
You’ll never stop
As long as you are on top
Which will be forever
Because when will I leave you, never.
Every day will be the same
Because to you it’s all just a game
But you have now stolen my heart
So I can’t break apart
But one day, it will all unglue
My life will start again new
And as we say our goodbyes
You’ll know it was because of your lies.
Colours of the war
Black, the only colour he can see
Black, like a bad smell, it follows me
Black, it’s everywhere
Black, even the smoke in the air
Blue, happy as other skies
Blue, it covers up all our lies
Blue, can change a person’s day
Blue, whether it be in December or May
Red, the colour of blood
Red, covered in the mud
Red, all down the young man’s legs
Red, as for his life he begs
Orange, the day is gone
Orange, but the war still moves along
Orange, the trees are sprayed
Orange, while at hospitals, more beds are made
Yellow, the skies are brighter
Yellow, as the one we called a fighter
Yellow, has come home at last
Yellow, forever scarred by his past
Grey, no one can sleep at night
Grey, the hero shot in his wife’s sight
Grey, now she is alone in the dark
Grey, as her angel husband harks
Purple, the colour of the heart worn
Purple, of the American’s who’s lives were torn
Purple, but metal is never enough
Purple, for the heroes who faced conditions rough
Green, the uniforms slip on
Green, as the band plays their song
Green, a song of remembrance
Green, for heroes who helped us advance
Colours, as the memories come together
Colours, we realise our load is light as a feather
Colours, and as I think of the times we fought
Colours, I remember that life is short
Rainbow, while I am here, I have one wish
Rainbow, peace on Earth for everyone from humans to fish
Rainbow, a brighter future for us all
Rainbow, a world with no fear of death and war.
Do I need you
you had your bags at the door,
said you couldn’t take it no more,
you promised to return,
I waited and got burned.
then you finally came back,
compassion and emotion I lacked,
I asked myself “did I miss my bro?”
and the answer was “no!”
a picture of you I had kept,
of before you had left,
you had said you loved me,… what a lie that had been!
Hide and seek
hide and seek,
come take a peek,
at the girl you call quiet
and she secrets she keeps silent
hide and seek
she’s a geek
her siblings are losers
while her parents are boozers
hide and seek
it has been a week
since she woke
from the nasty words that you spoke
hide and seek
watch the tears leak
as the girl you thought you knew
comes unglued
hide and seek
now she’s a freak
hanging with the emos
yes she has reached a new low
hide and seek
you’ve made her weak
from all the fun and jokes
about how she has been with all those blokes
hide and seek
that girl was meek
but now she lost it all
including her boyfriend tall
hide and seek
eww what reeks?
its her body on the floor
dead, with no life and all
hide and seek
tears all around, none caused by leek
but the one who cried the most was her best friend
knowing she had caused this end
Illusions
I love him, or so it seems
But this is all an illusionus dream
And as I am alone here tonight
You are the one I long for in my sight
But I know you will not come at all
No matter the number of times I call
So I’ll remain to sit here all alone
Until you decide to pick up the phone
And even then I wont be pleased
My tears will continue, my pain wont be eased
But hearing your voice will bring a smile to me
I know it won’t last, but I will let it be
As you hang up, I will cry
The millionth tear to leave my eye
For the one I call a friend
Whose strong will and optimism I need to lend
It’s too late to apologise
I’m sorry for every time I lied
For each time apart of you died
You were there for all the kisses
All the hits and all the hisses
You were there when my dreams turned to fears
When the happiness faded and turned to tears
And whatever else I went through
I know that you went through it too
I remember every time you begged me to leave
And when I wouldn’t, you said to believe
That I’d love someone more then my current pair
But their location, I didn’t know where
Little did I know that person was you
Then one day, out of the blue
You had to leave and so said goodbye
It hit me so hard that I started to cry
At that moment, I realised who
I loved with all my heart, it was you
But I never got my happy end
Instead I lost my crush and friend
I will never forget you
As everything slips through my fingers
My thoughts on life, they linger
And I know everything is about to fall
But I really don’t care at all
As long as you stay but my side
It will feel like problems have died
But I know you can not stay
So I’ll watch as the colours of my life turn to grey
But as I watch them all disappear
I may let out a lake of tears
And I will think of the great times shared
When I actually really cared
Then one day, you’ll be home bound
And I hope that you’ll hear a sound
Of me screaming that someone is wrong
And that I have cared all along
Then I hope that you can see
The impact you have had on me
And that the only reason I had lied
Is so I could say an easy goodbye
So as I sit here, missing you
I just hope you will miss me too
Because you are most my heart
And you have been from the very start
Love is a drug
One pill, two pills, three and four
Maybe one day I’ll hit the floor
Five, six, seven, eight
Then you’ll realise, you are too late
One drink, two drinks, three drinks, four
Even with the pills, I’m craving more
Five, six seven eight
Then on that day, I will meet my fate
But before then, I will sit here until
The words you said have taken the kill
And then I will lie here, safe and sound
Killing myself, while you are around
But even then you won’t care
I was just that girl with the messy hair
But you will not be alone with your fuzzy memory
Because everyone else, has also forgotten me
And even after I am gone
Your life will always move on
I just hope you’ll remember the times when
You called me your best female friend
Moving on
Happy, joyous, warmth and loved
you made me feel all the above
sad, hurt angry and blue
that’s how I felt without you
then I saw it, you and her
childish name calling did occur
you said you loved her and not me
and I knew it was never meant to be
you moved on, so did I
but still I regret saying goodbye
crying my tears and seeing yours
as I walked out of you lounge room doors
So here we are, we’re here tonight
just you, me and the beautiful moonlight
as as you stood under the stars
you were so near, yet so far
Then you broke a heart, once again
you said it was over with Jen
and there was something you needed to do
and with that I heard what I needed to
“I have always loved you.”
Funny thing is, it now means nothing to me
I longed for you but finally see
I may have needed you before
But I don’t now, or ever more!
That girl I knew
No matter how far you drive out of range
My feelings towards you will never change
Did I want to say goodbye? No
But I care enough to let you go
And although we may never see one another again
You will never leave my heart or brain
Because I never wanted to be apart
From a girl, both beautiful and smart
And even if our friendship comes unglued
You can be sure that I’ll concluded
That I never regretted being friends
And all those promises were never pretend
Because we were suppose to live a life
Filled with hope and joy, not pain and strife
‘Cause nothing really ever goes the way it’s planned
But just know, if you fall, I will catch you where you land
I had always picture how it was suppose to be
The two of you, Zoe and me
Living together, just the four of us
Always being bugged by Holly and Angus
But even now I wont let that picture fade
Even if it’s eternally delayed
Because there’s nothing else I want more
Then to keep this promise I had sworn
And twenty years from now you’ll see
The lawyer that I want to be
Then we’ll see how much we grew
And I hope you say “hey there’s that girl I knew”
God looking back at that, I’ve just realised how much I’ve improved in writing lol 😛 anyway the last thing is just a thing I wrote on a good day. Hope you enjoyed everything 🙂
Road to recovery
You’ve finally done it. You reached the goal you wanted to for so long. But as you look in the mirror, you realise something. You don’t recognise the person looking back at you. You know it’s yourself, but something has changed. Your colour is gone, the spark you once had has vanished, your personality is gone. All that is left is the ghost of what you once were. You start thinking words like whore, ***** and even murderer. The self loathe that has been growing for over a year finally all comes out and attacks your reflection. You look down once again to see your almost flat stomach hidden underneath your now bigger chest. For so many years this was all you wanted, but now it means nothing. All it has done is added the word vain to your list of self loathing. You think back to when this was all that was important to you and try to pinpoint the minute it changed. The  experiences you think back on have not only left you scarred, but changed your wants, your needs and how you go about your everyday life. You’ve grown so much, but all you can think about is how weak you are and all of your mistakes. You’re stuck in the past, unable to get past the what ifs. All you want is a door to the past, to a second chance, to happiness. You know that once upon a time, you would never think like that. You were strong and eager enough to think positively and live for the future, not get caught up in the past. But there was only so much you could take before you no longer believed these thoughts right? Everyone knows you’ve changed. They bring it up all the time, but even though you want help, you deny the change at all costs. You’re not quite sure if the denial is to not be a bother to others or to not be seen as weak, but either way you continue with it. Eventually most of these friends realise this change is irreversible and assume that it is a choice you have willingly made. Little do they know, you’ve taken a theoretical gun to your head and killed any emotions and traits you once had. You are now a robot, trained to manipulate yourself to fake these abilities, but in reality, it’s like you never had them. All of a sudden, your best friend changes everything. He starts to act on his consuming emotions of worry. He tries to give you that door to the past you want… no not want, need so badly by trying to get you back into all your old hobbies and habits. You’re about to touch the old skateboard or game controller, then something happens, you begin crying. Most people would hate this, but it is the first time you have felt anything close to an emotion since things got really bad. You continue crying, not to let it out or even to grab his attention, but to savour that moment where you can feel again. He notices your tears and goes to hug you, but you push him away in fear. Not fear of him, you could never see that happening, but fear that if he takes away those tears, you may go back to how you were. Over the next couple of weeks, or is it months now (tracking time is hard to do when you don’t have a cause), he, along with other friends he has included, helps you try to be you again. Some of your school friends have even noticed and try to help. Eventually you get to the point where they make you face something you never wanted to again, a mirror. So here you are in front of that mirror, talking about yourself and where you went wrong, but something is starting to change. You start thinking about tomorrow and how you’re going to feel. Then comes a small smile. It doesn’t last long, but it’s enough to make you think that maybe, just maybe the road to recovery is something you can walk. Maybe at the end, you will end up better than you ever imagined.