I am losing control, I am losing myself, I have held on to me for so long, but my grasp of reality is slipping, I feel it, with every word that is spoken to me, with every look that’s given, I fall more, I lose myself more, I am drifting back to that pool of sadness that last time almost ate me whole.
I sat there on the side of slop. The summer wheat swayed in the wind as I watched the sunset. I relaized that the world is full of beauty and I am nothing. I hung my head and realized, no one really listens, no one gets it. This hurt inside me is so deep, so painful, so incredibly numbing, that it goes on the lingering for suicide anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die. I simply perform like an actor. If the program calls for laughter I laugh, if it calls for sadness I […]
Well world you get a chance to laugh yet again. Finally being home after tricking the dr’s in to think your ok…bravo on my wonderful production of “I am truly ok. It was an accident…No I didn’t want to kill myself.” Even if I would have had the courage to say “YES it was an attempt.” I was to embarrassed by the fact that I cant even kill myself right. What kind of fucked up thing is that. I truly thought that after a couple of months in a hospital bed that my own bed would feel nice. But it doesn’t, it feels worse […]
There is always a possibility that things could get better,
STOP saying this, there is also a possibility things could get worst!
You feel this way now, but tomorrow you might feel diffrent.
NO I might have the courage for this today while tomorrow I FEEL the exact same way and you just screwed up my opening
I understand what your going through.
Actually you dont, see we are two diffrent people with diffrent make up, what might be a little to you might be huge in my eyes
You dont want to do this.
Dont try to read my mind, cause your wrong!
There are […]
Perhaps I am to drunk and shouldnt be typing this, but I am. No one, no one, no one, should be forced to live when they are not happy. How dare all of you out there making people feel crappy because they are BRAVE enough to say F U world and do what they feel is nessary. How dare you all talk down to us as if Oh, I have been there and I pulled through, GOOD FOR YOU, do you want a gold star? No, I mean No to experences are ever the same and as humans we are all diffrent and so we […]
So, I went for a hike today after work and found this spot, its so beautiful. I think that had I had the freedom I would have jumped. But there is still some busness for me to finsih before I am able. There is some family debt I want to clear, some things I need to make sure are to the proper owners and I need to file my tax’s so that my family can have the funds. 🙂 But all in all my plan is going great so much.
One month
Two days
Then the pain is over.
How could it be
This land of make believe
Its true, I have set my date. I have choosen the day that I am going to die. It kind of makes me happy, in a strange way knowing that the end is going to be coming makes things a little more bareable. Thank you to the gentleman that tresspassed upon my bounderies. It made me realize that yes, this is something I am going to do and when I am going to do.
So today, I feel as though the world is telling me to do it, just go for it. At work today a overly perky co-worker gave me a toosie roll telling me it would make me smile, that no one can not smile while eating a toosie roll. I was running down the second flight of stairs for the third time today and thought hell eat the toosie roll. So I did, I broke a tooth on it, I broke a tooth eating a toosie roll!
My neighbors are such ass’s. all week my toilet has been bumbling, thumbling, and acting as though it is […]
I want to do it, but like some people I have my reservations do to the simple fear: What if I fail. What if my suicide doesnt go smoothly, what if I mess up or half way through chicken out and its an unsuccessful suicide and I like.
I could live with the family knowing that I wasnt as happy as I appeared, and the disapointment of me not going to them. But would I get fired from work? I work in mental health, I deal with depressed and suicidal people all the time. We talk about what is worth living for and so on. I […]