To stay or to go far away and start over? Do i deserve the do-over? I think sometimes i do but then other times i really feel like i dont. But whatever it is i need to figure it out before its too late. I have to atleast try and make an effort. But maybe being sent away wont be so bad this time.
Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im […]
Even now all i can think about is my health declining to such an extent. Or befalling some kind of car accident…anything to wind up in the hospital again.
And somehow you find yourself waking up again.
Wasnt able to go through with it but managed to keep myself stupified under alcohol for several days straight. I dont know how i avoided a hospital trip after the blood loss and vomitting.
I was caught slipping on cutting and got one of my tools taken away. Sometimes he checks my arms i’ll have to start hiding it better or start doing things that affect internally only. Keeping up with smoking has begun hurting, my lungs feel on fire and heavy. Maybe my health will take a dive soon.
Sometimes its just frustrating to keep on with the uphill battle is all. Been in highs and lows and while the lows are particularly bad they arent like how they used to be.
Regardless, its still really fucking frustrating when ya actually try to do what you’re supposed to and it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. Keeping up with the doctors, actually giving a shit bout my general health. Even trying to manage or eliminate stress factors in my life but im still battling these hallucinations and voices.
Sometimes something does get to me but its really easy to squash those worries if I ACTUALLY […]
Anemia
Diabetes
Diverticulitis
2 Herniated discs
Depression
Bi-Polar Disorder
Psorraisis
Psychosis
Undiagnosed auto-immune condition..
Thinkining bout my conditions list weighs on me a lot. Especially with the way insurance and health policies change. When I have to split up payments between credit cards and cash or manufacturer coupons the pharmacists always give me a sad look.