Tomorrow, my boyfriend leaves for college. I don’t know if I can handle it. I figured out how to beat depression by myself just so I could date him. If it wasn’t for him, I would definitely be dead right now. But, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle him not being here. I don’t want to relapse, it’s been 9 months. I feel pathetic, feeling like I could fall apart over a boy. I feel pathetic, feeling like I could fall apart over a boy who’s only moving 45 minutes away.
What are the ethics of suddenly making out with Person X, when you were invited a few hours before to Person Y’s house, who may or may not have wanted to have sex with you, and who you like, and who may or may not like you back, and who you are trying to enter a relationship, and when Person X is also trying to enter a relationship, and is the best friend of your ex, who is probably over you but might not be? I know it’s very long-winded, but it’s been plaguing me for the last 24 hours.
I know this site is for people who want to kill themselves, and I know many of you would look at me in disgust, but I want to kill my father, and then kill myself. I hate my father beyond words. He is supposed to protect me, shelter me, and teach me how to be an adult. Instead, he attacks me verbally and financially every chance he get. Any attempt to fight back only makes it worse, because he’s a master manipulator and constantly works to make my entire family hate me, which they’re so close to doing. He can shit on my face and […]
Is it possible to actually die of boredom? I’m desperately hoping so. For the past few months, it’s been just so boring. School is a waste of time. I get all A’s, a B, and a C. I spend the day learning useless factoids that will never be necessary in later life, and then maybe go home and play music, and then just watch TV and eat ice cream before going to bed. Then, the game begins again. The weekends are just a continuation of my after-school activity, and they’re boring too because I remember that school is a day or so away. I have […]
I’ve found a recurring theme in myself and other depressed/suicidal people, which I’ve found extremely interesting. You want people close to you, but at the same time, you want them as far away as possible. When I sit alone at lunch, I keep looking at my friends, silently willing them to come over, but at the same time, feeling happy that they stay away. I keep looking at my phone, desperately hoping for a text, glad that it never comes. I want my friends to help me, but then I remember that none of them can. I don’t know, I just think it’s curious.
The people on this site are really nice, but when you have a problem, that when you tell someone, no matter how nice they are, they will judge you in disgust and hate you, what do you do? If someone found out, I’d be immediately hospitalized and possibly arrested. I am so scared of being hospitalized again. I was hospitalized once a couple years ago from midnight to 4:30 AM. Worst few hours of my life. Also, I wouldn’t want my family to get upset over this, because I’d just be the family problem again, and if they knew, they’d hate me too. It’s not […]
I remember last December 26. My grandfather’s birthday is the 27th, so we were driving down to Pittsburgh to see him. I was texting this girl I liked, when out of the blue, she told me that our middle school art teacher’s wife had just found him hanging in his art studio. I immediately got my mom to turn around the car and go home. A year later, I still can’t believe he’s gone. He was the most wonderful man I ever had the privilege to know. I remember how, on the first day of class each year, he would do magic tricks for us. […]
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s my mind loop. These thoughts just run over and over again every day. I’m alone. I’m so alone. I have no one I can really talk to, and the people I do talk to I do because I don’t want anyone to suspect anything’s wrong. I stopped contact with all of my friends in September, so they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. Every day, I see all of them having the perfect life, and I want to go talk to them SO BADLY, but then I remember, they’re only having that perfect life because […]
there’s a different kind of tired
not the kind when you haven’t slept
or you’ve run two miles
or you haven’t eaten in hours
it’s the kind you can feel
behind your eyes
your neck
your shoulders
your chest
your knees
everywhere
when you’ve just had enough of being knocked down by it all
and the only cure is sleep
but not even that cures
because you know when you wake
you’ll be tired all over again
so you just drift through everything
tired.
I guess I don’t really know why I don’t have any friends, because I’ve told myself the same thing over and over again so that I believe that, instead of what’s probably true. I never tried to figure it out because it would be pointless, as I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I started posting here simply so that I could finally say what I needed to. I’ve always told myself I don’t want friends. I do. It hurts to admit it, but I do. I used to have friends, but for the past few months, I just stopped. I didn’t want my problems […]
If one lives for the incredibly small things in life, does that make them pathetic? That has been a big question on my mind lately. I feel like my life is futile and meaningless. The only thing I look forward to daily is my night ritual. I scoop myself about a pint of chocolate ice cream, preferably Breyer’s or Edy’s, squirt a generous amount of Hershey’s chocolate syrup on top, and then park myself in front of the TV for the rest of the night to watch Arrow, Doctor Who, and other such shows. I know eventually, that’s going to catch up with me physically, […]
I’m on this site just to put down what’s in my head, because I can never say it out loud. So, I’m probably going to sound really stupid, but whatever. My mom’s really been getting on me about grades lately. I’m an A student, but currently have a B in chemistry and a C in trig, which is a level above my grade. I know she’s just trying to be a good parent, but I just don’t get why it matters. Why does it matter if I have a B and a C? Why would it matter if that prevents me from getting into some […]
My name is Zach, I’m 15 years old, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to kill myself, because I lost count. I know that what I’ve been through is nothing compared to what others have been through, but I feel that doesn’t make it any less valid or painful. My parents got separated Christmas of 2010. Before you explode with the injustice of that date, don’t worry, I’m not Christian, so it wasn’t THAT bad. However, it was the first time something actually went wrong for me. A year passed, and I didn’t really get over it. I started thinking about […]