Dungeon

What now

Who are you?

The water looks cold.

It must feel warm.

Under.

I don’t want to be me anymore.

I can’t pretend anymore.

It hurts.

I’m not capable.

I can’t be like them.

I want to, I want to be so much.

I want to be more than I can be.

But I can’t be.

I don’t want to be alone anymore but I have no choice

Being with people just to kill the loneliness isn’t what I want.

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know which me is me.

I want to sleep.

I don’t want to sleep anymore.

When can I go home.

I can’t do this anymore, every day it gets worse my anxiety, depression , sleep,  my overall state of mind.
I have no real support, but in my situation support is irrelevant so it doesn’t even matter.
I’m the only one that can help myself, I either go out or I don’t and I haven’t been doing the things I need to do to succeed and I’m starting to go back to old habits that keep me stagnant…
I fucking hate not having any motivation, every fucking second I’m reminded of the trouble I’m causing for myself and my family. I feel so sick of […]

I’m really tired of trying.
When can I stop.
I don’t want to sleep anymore.
I don’t need any dreams.

Fuck.

 I can’t see it anymore.

I’m tired.

I’m sleepy.

I’m hurt.

I’m numb.

I’m empty.

I can’t breathe the water is too heavy.

Where did I go?

Where am I now?

Alone

As I should

Danger is a perception

Pleasure is an instrument

Pain is a sacrifice.

I am home

There is none.

The sky laughs at me

The water smiles

Pressure

Waves crashing above

Deaf

Sinking.

The rain was cold today.

Panic attacks every day so far since I’ve moved up here. I feel like I’m being torn and ripped apart in all this distortion in my head. I knew this would happen. Anytime I think I’m ready, it all falls apart when it actually comes. Only person that understands is my dad but since I don’t live there anymore I have no support here. At work yesterday I overheard a phone call , apparently one of my co workers attempted to jump to their death. I’m not sure who it is as I’m very new and I don’t know the outcome but I don’t think […]

panic
panic
panic
panic
Im scared to go outside
but Im not scared to jump
I wont jump
I cant jump
panic
where did the sky go
sleep

i cant jump
let me
please

i dont want this anymore

I know all the things I should do, I’m aware of what I can do. I’m too tired, and I can not get myself to care. I don’t want to care and the current stagnated goals of mine have no pursuit of happiness. I am not my own person , I don’t exist in reality. I live in my own world where life is devoid and I’m sheltered by a black sun. The earth does not spin , time does not flow, there is only a sense of hollow fears and mufflled rage. I breathe empty air and sleep in a crusade against […]

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
IM SO TIRED AND SICK OF  THIS
EVERY DAMN DAY
EVERY MOMENT
I JUST WANT IT ALL TO STOP
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I KEEP TRYING AND TRYING
AND KEEP GOING NO WHERE
I AM BEING CRUSHED WITH BURDENS THAT DONT BELONG TO ME
I AM BEING DROWNED WITH MY OWN BURDENS
I AM BEING BURNT ALIVE BY MY OWN INSANITY
THE PAIN DOESNT STOP
IT WONT EVER STOP
FUCK
But it’s okay. I have nothing. So I can’t lose anything. There’s nothing to worry about. Everything is fine.
One day I’ll forget who I am, who I was. […]

fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

Where did the sky go, I can only see the water.