I survived, thrived even, over the past three years by just one thing. Feel nothing. I promise, it works.
I don’t even know how long it’s been, but here I am, back again.
See why I don’t cut. See the only thing that stops me. See my expectations, my reputations.
Oh how familiar. How expected, is this ache. As if it were never gone. How known and yet always changing is this stabbing is this poison is this pain.
I was free. I got away. I wouldn’t dare, there’s no way. I haven’t, I wouldn’t. I’m not in love with him again.
But I fear, I fear so much that I’m lying to myself.
And I have returned.
Is it a drug almost? The thought that someone on this merciful site understands.
Since my previous posts, the situation has changed significantly. But the memories hold me here, they bring me back. I remember all to well my days of pain. I am numb now nearly, or more callous I should say, I take what I can now, but I refuse to beg for more. I am arguably better, happier. I wasn’t thinking about suicide. But here I am, over one year I kept away, yet here I am. Only the MEMORY, the vague shadow, of my pain.
I still think it’s true, […]
I am so much luckier than the rest of you. Though my suffering is constant and agonizing
mentally, and stabbing aching physically- I am easily distracted. I have not been through the horrors you have, and I haven’t 10minutes of downtime in my day. I can lose focus, breath unrestricted for a few moments each day. I am only slightly suicidal. I have yet to cut myself. This is because I am shallow and I have a reputation to uphold- to my family, my classmates, my teachers, my coworkers, officials I need to impress…..
I am so much luckier than the rest of you. And for […]
I have not told you but half. Half of nothing. Nothing that causes my pain.
My Papa (Grandfather) has gone to sleep in his room.
My Daddy has the flu, he is laying down in bed.
My mother is working on coupons on the computer across the room.
My second youngest brother is on the couch near me reading a book he got for christmas.
My littlest brother is making mashed potatoes for dinner.
My dog is chewing on a rawhide.
My cat is with my dad.
And I am screaming. Silently shrieking.
My loving family goes on like this. How they cannot see the blade so blatently slashing at my gut I cannot imagine. That they don’t see my insides being […]
I guess I’m going to be a regular to this site now. Hello, whoever’s reading this. You’re pain has become my drug. Your pain is softer than my own. I found this site about a week ago, and I just keep coming back. During school at break, at work when I have a minute… and now, when I have to wake up early and go to school tomorrow. I lay in my bed, poised to hide my laptop should my parents walk down the hall. I am here once more. Reading, and commenting, and now posting.
You’re pain is distracting to me. I hope to do […]
All these posts you may read about suicidal people being “attention seeking f***s”. It’s probably me and others like me that cause these assumptions to be made. I don’t deserve the attention I’m asking for. And yet, here I go, once more posting on this site. Once more whining about my perfect life….
I’m really pathetic when you think about it. As far as misfortune goes, in circumstance, environment, opportunity, I probably have the closest thing to a perfect life anyone can think of. Certainly I’m better off than all my friends. I have two married parents who are loving and intelligent, we are a middle class family-we make enough to be comfortable, I’ve never had anyone close to me die-not even my dog. I have plenty of friends. I’ve never been abused, neglected, never gone hungry, without clothing or heat. I am in the top .02% of my class in school. I got a job at a […]