evianwatre

All is well, I’ve found ways to save myself.

Hi, back on the site, no plans to die but surely getting familiar feelings again. The more control I try to have the more…I don’t want to talk, there’s a sense that I’m back at the beginning of the loop. I’m a fucking nobody, I need to recognize that, no work or talent can transcend me into someone I’m not. I’ve tried to drop my past my memories but time hasn’t done it’s work I can’t live in depersonlization derealization. I’d rather feel alive and pathetically myself than to walk the earth a shell. No amount of explanation or excuses can make sense out of […]

I turned 18 this week. I’m all good. Been gaining weight, I find it hard to control my appetite when every day gets so busy. My arms are noticeably fatter. anyways, I’m barely sane, but I’m okay.

I’m alive and I am well, there’s no need to worry about me.

I don’t know why my brain suddenly cleared up today…I have to write this down.

I’ve always believed that mental illness can be cured by itself, and if it doesn’t, it’s because I deserve it as a punishment, but this time it’s really not going to work. If my speaking, writing, and thinking skills are two woodsheds, an episode is an earthquake plus tsunami. I’ve done…everything, to myself, for myself. I said that I deserved it, I’ll just die of illness, and many other things that I couldn’t understand now that my mind is clear… But the time for suicide has passed, and now […]

I am in a very bad place mentally, so indescribable and confusing I don’t think I could ever explain it to anyone. It stripped me out of fluent sentences or logic, and my thoughts get cut off midway when I try to record them down. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg I can’t write out, I can’t remember clearly either.

yesterday I completely lost my mind and could not go about a second without being completely drowned by thoughts or triggering memories. So I set a rule to not write or draw or make a single noise, and not cry or breath […]

I need to get out of here, but where can I go? I can’t have a mental breakdown in public, I can’t sit out in the cold, home is the worst, I can’t go home. I can’t finish a sentence. Nothing is removable, I can’t break anything, noises noises noises noises noises, I need to go somewhere, but there are too many things to take, a leaking box, for God’s sake. I’d rather crack my glasses in half. Bathroom. An Asian girl, curled bangs, tinted lips, stood and stood fixing her bangs like the way I did mine, walk half way to the door then […]

Last weekend, someone took me to a large suburb house, to feed the owner’s cats. The owners left the country two months ago, and he somehow thought it’s best for his two British shorthairs to be locked in one room, instead of giving them the whole house to wander around. For two months the cats have been kept inside a small room with a caged bird, people come two times a day to feed them, and I was really disgusted by that. I haven’t wrote on this site for a while, I’m getting a bit worse at talking, but typing seems fine, whatever, go on.

When […]

The toll booth, the hometown that has never been masked, the person who refuses to save my life. Illusion, huge, bulging self-esteem, submerged inferiority complex. I thought I could finally draw all the hearts, but my fingers led me nowhere. You’re lying on a knitted car seat cover at the end of June, beige thread rubbing against your tender thighs, isolated from sex since childhood, and raped you all over again. How clean is the hymen? The hazy eyes of a nineteenth-century girl when she was about to marry, just want to tear the paper, drown, drown you, burn you, why did you only want […]

When I received my final acceptance letter, a door closed behind me forever. I have to keep living now, for how long, I don’t know. There’s no going back. Maybe it’s because I have been living with it for such a long time, or maybe I love to see myself suffer. When my mental condition gets better I live like a pot without a lid. But when it comes back, everything goes blank. Nothing  is going to fix my problems, I have nowhere to go. I think I’m too attached to the negatives, because being angry feels good, because crying feels good, I can’t write […]

In my dream, you asked if I was dreaming. “You’re experiencing hell in reality.” I couldn’t remember if I spoke. What is hell?  Your skin was blue, and from a fish to a spider to a blue man, you told me to wake up.

In another dream, someone tried to cut off my head, leaving s scab that looped around my neck, like a choker.

In the last dream, they finally cut off my head. I jumped out onto the blade, asking for it. I tried to keep my head near my body with my shoulder, my brain felt cold, and of course, I couldn’t speak anymore. […]

Looking back it was almost like I was born to be mistreated.

There was a girl who would step on the heel of my shoes every morning during the assembly; or just any time the class stood in a line. This went on for one or two years, and I just let it happen. I didn’t like it, having the heel of my foot rub against the grainy sole of her shoe. The feeling of my sneaker flopping up and down, I would step my heel back into the shoe and just like everything in my life, a pattern, a loop, she steps on it […]

I’m recovering emotionally, but never have I felt more psychotic. Things I say and think don’t make sense and don’t line up, there’s a white blur constantly occupying my skull, my vision is decreasing quickly, the sudden sensations i get while thinking about certain topics…they’re not headaches, I can’t even feel them that surely, but they hurt and my reaction to them are that of a crazy person. I can’t see a single future out there where I can go back to normality, I’m destroying everyone’s lives, I’m a walking plague. How do you deal with the fact that everything you do is wrong? Wrong? […]

my brain is falling apart

If you’ll have to live forever in unthinkable pain, enduring every bit of negative thoughts of every person on earth, for the world to be bright and beautiful, complete utopia, would you do it?

Stranded without a way to die. I shouldn’t be allowed to live. Can i walk around in handcuffs and a sign on my head to let everyone know that I’m the one to blame? I want to die, I want to die, not that strongly, I’m a step away from losing the fight but I can’t make the step. I want to die I want to die I want to die. Nobody on this site responds at any of my things because I’m just that disgusting. I can’t maintain the facade, I can’t live my life relying only on the happiness of others I can’t […]

Don’t look at me.

Don’t respond.

Don’t listen to me.

Every year I find a new way to go insane

i know exactly what normal people think about me

i know exactly what they’re thinking

why can’t they do the reverse?

speaking in lines and getting responded in cubes

How ive never spoke of a word

Far far away. I’ve already floated into?

floated into?

into?

why can’t they do the reverse? I thought everyone felt the same, I thought everyone went through this, I thought they knew but were denying it. But it’s way worse!

where am I?

The circular opening and the light that shines beneath has given me something else. Who knows what this is called? Don’t you classify everything and list the […]

up down left right, gaining control losing control losing my mind and going back to having a clear head. Suicide, future, planning for the future, I’m not sure why or how I am still alive and planning for the future. I have lost all control to my thoughts and emotions, good thing that my brain is all fogged up

I enjoy losing. I enjoy going down and deeper than down. I should torture myself more and keep more to myself. I should light myself on fire in the middle of the town square for everyone to see. Only the group conscious makes something real. I have no choice but to fall in love with the things my brain brings me, I have no choice but to fall below it and miss it when it’s gone and go crazy when it’s here. I don’t understand how they don’t understand that logic or common thinking cannot be applied. Every thought boils down to either killing myself, […]