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Fox is very very hurt. She will die. She was run over on the road by a ruthless hit & run. A wolf in disguise from the looks of it. He ran her over and never looked back. She is scruffy and very lost. Half her tail is missing. Her fur is caked in blood and dirt. Internal injuries, deep wounds and permanent damage all over her little body. She couldn't cope with the trauma and got sicker and sicker. Her soul wants to ascend to the universe above. Perhaps there, she can be a brand new fox, eating snow.

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night”

by fox
written by fox

I’ve been feeling very badly lately, and it has been amplified by how others treat me, what they do and don’t do is affecting me deeply. 

Lately, I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t seem to be able to verbalize my thoughts. I’ve spent too long being closed. I feel I haven’t had anything positive to say about myself, so I stay away from people. I also feel very bad about myself, so I avoid seeing anyone. I’ve been a recluse for the last few years, and because of my circumstances, I will never change back.

The only person who truly has […]

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Happy Birthday, little Rogue, Shepard

by fox
written by fox

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-cD4oLk_D0

You are a day ahead in New Zealand, so today is the 9th there, it is your birthday. I already said happy birthday to you earlier, but what would be more fitting than a birthday post on SP, where we met almost two years ago. You have been my dearest and longest friend, my little brother. “Back then I was a lonesome rogue who stumbled across a little fox in the snow, wounded with nowhere to go.” There isn’t anything I can say here that I haven’t said to you before, or vice versa. Despite different aliases from time to time, we’ve moved on from […]

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Underneath the moonlight

by fox
written by fox

I realized deeply that I have no chance. Every aspect of my life is too damaged to keep pushing. Sometimes you just have to accept things, however painful it might be to accept that life has to end. I spoke to an old friend on the phone last week, someone I haven’t spoken to for over a year. She was my surrogate mother when I was 17, when I lived away from home. She will be 70 this year. She said she will call me again. She told me she loved me when we said goodbye. I know that I don’t have to speak to […]

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no afterlife

by fox
written by fox

The saddest and most haunting feeling for me now is realizing that there is no afterlife, reincarnation or unconditional love waiting for me on the the other side.  My consciousness will not go on, life will cease to exist. There is no explanation for all the challenges in life. The bad will go unpunished- no such thing as karma.  It was all just a fairytale.. I feel deep sadness over this realization. There’s no where to go.

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by way of a lamp post, a light..

by fox
written by fox

.. but nothing more than an artificial light.

I can’t seem to be able to express myself properly much anymore. Nor can I express this pain that is so deeply imbedded in my heart and my soul, from there on it has hurt my body badly, and this goes on, and on, in a perpetual cycle. The sun has gone for so long. My spirit has gone for so long. I am debilitated by the relentless pain I continue to carry. It has been 6 months, and in these 6 months I have only learned of more and more that has hurt me so much until […]

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Heaven knows I’m Miserable Now

by fox
written by fox

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die ?

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I’m miserable now

In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die ?

What she asked of me at […]

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Take On Me

by fox
written by fox

Picked up my uke and played it just now for the first time in a very, very long time (probably because I want to smash it to pieces when I see it because it is a painful reminder to me) Anyway, it was horribly out of tune. I tuned it as best as I could (too impatient to put more effort into tuning).

Here’s me – playing and singing awfully out of tune w an out of tune uke.  I don’t care much these days.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/New-Recording-11-2.m4a

 

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Please *don’t go*, because I know you can still feel the sun on your skin; the air in your lungs; the snow on your tongue, yet to come.

by fox
written by fox

‘There once was a ghost of a boy who liked to live in the shadows, so he wouldn’t frighten people. His job was to wait for his sister, who was still alive. She wasn’t afraid of the dark because she knew that’s where her brother was. At night, when darkness came to her room, she would tell her brother about the day. She would remind him how the sun felt on his skin and what the air felt like to breathe, or how snow felt on his tongue. And that reminded her, that she was still alive.’

 

.unnamed-8

Please, […]

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these days

by fox
written by fox

I’ve been feeling really down since the sun has gone down; not that it ever really made a difference watching the sun through my bedroom window. These days, nothing changes with me, although things and people change all around. I lie here and wait for death to come for me, eventually.

Here is a song to go with my poem –

These Days – Nico

I’ve been out walking
I don’t do too much talking
These days, these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to

I’ve stopped my rambling
I […]

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Oh help me Jesus, get through this storm

by fox
written by fox

There are no miracles; I can’t get through this storm.

I can’t even leave my house (again) to do anything useful today. I am totally useless (completely). Perpetual limbo on repeat- between a dead life and death.

I’m that blue (brown) eyed whore. I am that little girl. I am her. There’s no one to help me through this storm.

Here is PJ Harvey on Autoharp, lovely version of Down by the Water.

I lost my heart
Under the bridge
To that little girl
So much to me
And now I moan
And now I holler
She’ll never know
Just what I found
That blue eyed girl
She said […]

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groceries

by fox
written by fox

Every few days I go out to get some groceries, as I did today. It isn’t that I don’t want to go out- I do want to feel sun on my face and breathe in fresh air. I need that; I need that most days. But I often find myself unable to get out because I am scared, depressed, feeling trauma – because when I do go out,  I feel disconnected, anxiety and very lost. As soon as I am done w groceries I head home, and it also gives me anxiety that I have to make the journey home. I am completely lost and […]

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