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“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night”

by fox

I’ve been feeling very badly lately, and it has been amplified by how others treat me, what they do and don’t do is affecting me deeply. 

Lately, I’ve been in so much pain that I can’t seem to be able to verbalize my thoughts. I’ve spent too long being closed. I feel I haven’t had anything positive to say about myself, so I stay away from people. I also feel very bad about myself, so I avoid seeing anyone. I’ve been a recluse for the last few years, and because of my circumstances, I will never change back.

The only person who truly has been there for me is my boyfriend. I met him on a depression chat, and he was on SP for a little while way before I first came here. He may be flawed because he struggles a lot with anxiety and depression, but he loves me, and he is a constant in my life. I get upset at him over stupid things that don’t matter, and sometimes big things that do, but his heart is true and he is devoted. I would’ve been dead if it wasn’t for his support this past year. We’ve been there for each other.

I feel very sad because I know my inability to function has been because of my health problems. I can’t put into words how much this pains me, to see things getting to this point, and soon, and I won’t be able to go on. I am not strong. What has happened gives me great anxiety and distresses me to no end, a constant reminder. It is dizzying. It paralyses me. I am losing mental strength because of this. I can’t function. I am supposed to be getting married next year and moving in with my boyfriend this summer, but I doubt I can make it. Even with both our families’ support, there’s a lot we have to do before we would be able to. I am like an invalid at this point, unable to do anything. Everything overwhelms me. It is clear why I am unable to ever accomplish anything. It is clear that I am fucked. He wants me to hold on, that we will make it. But nothing is ever easy or smooth. He refuses to see reality. He doesn’t want to believe that I am beyond hope. 

I am upset at boyfriend’s dad at the moment. No use explaining, but he did something mean and thoughtless. Don’t think he would like it if someone did it to him. It made me feel like I can’t talk to him anymore and don’t want to see him again.

I am upset because I feel I’ve been used by someone. Not the first time they’ve done it. It hurts me because I really tried my best to be there, despite how I’ve been feeling. I cannot deal with it again.

I am upset because I cannot clearly explain to a dear friend what hurts me. But I do love him.

I am hurt by someone from my past, an ex colleague, whom I’ve always respected. Someone from way back. He told an ex bf of mine a few years ago that he considers me a good friend, which is a lie. In the past, he has made me not want to reach out to him, and nothing has changed since. So I don’t ask, for years I don’t ask him for help. But I need help now, his advice on my health, because I know he understands, but he has made it clear to me again that I am not of any priority. It hurts me, because I’ve always held him in high regard. I kept away from people in my past for so long because of feeling so defeated, I didn’t want to bother anyone. Rather not talk about it. What’s the point? But now, I have this need to explain what’s going on with me to those that can truly understand — my mentors. I want them to understand how impossible and painful it all has been.

None of this would hurt me in this way, if I wasn’t already so hurt and in a bad state. I know this, but it doesn’t stop the hurt.

I feel things very deeply, animal abuse especially. It makes me not want to be in a world so cruel. I carry pain and guilt over so many things, and if I think of them for more than a few seconds, I start to cry. Everything hurts. 

I know I can be happy if I wasn’t chronically ill, and now, my body has truly fallen apart. I thought I can fly to somewhere beautiful, to see what I love the most in nature again, and then disappear. I love lakes, trees and mountains the most. I feel most happy there.

“The mountains are calling, and I must go”

 But tonight, I dream of going to the moon. 

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nepheliad 5/17/2016 - 4:20 am

Aww, you met someone on a depression chat? That’s really cute, I hope it works out for you two. I like hearing success stories when it comes to romance that originated online.

I can empathize with a lot of what you say (health issues and being a recluse who dislikes the state of the world, etc). I’m sorry for everything going wrong in your life, but you seem to be doing better than the last times I’ve read posts of yours (under a few different monikers, I think). I don’t think you’re “beyond hope.” Rather, you strike me as a strong person with a big heart who continues to persevere. Hang in there, fox. You’re a special soul. *hug*

fox 5/17/2016 - 6:01 am

Hi Nepheliad,

It’s been a long time, and I hope you are doing better. Thank you for your sweet words. I wouldn’t say I am doing better, perhaps some things have evolved a bit, but most things are fundamentally the same. Thanks for empathising with me on those things. Being chronically ill really takes a toll on you mentally. Seeing yourself get worse is so painful. Fear and anxiety takes over. No matter how hard you’ve tried, you lose in the end. I don’t feel human anyway, and haven’t felt that way for a while. Want to be well, have a chance to be happy, but it really isn’t in my cards. Not just a feeling unfortunately, it’s all too real.

Please take care. Hug to you as well.

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