I see that it’s Spring and sunny. The wet earth is starting to smell nice. Flowers are starting to scent the air, little by slowly. It’s a new year in truth, and I look forward to it. And in the moments between one ray of sunshine and another, when the sun dims and the air cools briefly, I will probably be thinking of the coolness of a dark crevice of the kind an old tired animal might lie down in to return to the earth at last. At sunset the world will glow with beauty and passion and by nine or ten in the evening […]
Today was a good day. I feel more insecure because of that. A dear friend who I love dearly called, and I hadn’t heard her voice in months. I was so nervous. We talked philosophy like always, like the day we first spoke(for hours) and became instant friends, maybe friends for life. Now I feel so insecure. I haven’t spoken to her in months….. does she know how crazy I am? She knew when I left the town we met in a few months back. She knew my mind was broken in a million places by madness and self-destruction and hopelessness. She held me really […]
I am 35 years old, but it took me nearly 36 years to get here. Is that a riddle? No. I just counted in utero time. But that shit is deep……..
On the topics of politics, international policy, economics and general human self-interest:
Everyone is waiting for the chance to fuck somebody, both metaphorically and literally. Most would prefer it to be consensual but, priorities being what they are, consent mostly falls by the wayside.
Happy Fucking Y’all.
I am seriously flaring with hot emotions, mostly anger and loathing, especially towards judgemental pricks, of which there are soooooo many. Ironically, that makes me feel like a judgemental prick. Am I a prick if I care whether I am a prick or not? Do total douchebag pricks care if they are pricks? And why do I want so badly to be elbows deep in the blood and entrails of my many perceived enemies? I fucking hate entrail!!!!(blood’s ok though, so long as they get all their tests done before I kill them, but I digress) Grrrrrrr……. every spring comes spring fever. For those who […]
I like the people here on SP, I don’t want them to die. Not before me.
i don’t want to burden anyone by saying too much
i don’t want to say too little and feel bad for it
i don’t want to wallow in misery and I don’t want to forget … I do want to forget
i don’t know
anything
completely, I am alone and I don’t want to be alone
I know I am loved, does that grant the will to live?
today it does, tomorrow……
i don’t know
anything
A friend’s mother killed herself last week. She is obviously grieving and looking for answers, trying to understand her own feelings… etc.. I’d like to give her a list of sites she can visit that are for survivors of suicide and suicidal persons, places like this that are welcoming and well moderated. Any suggestions? This is not a close friend, more an acquaintance, so I’d like to give her something to go on, since she may not wish to talk to me personally about this at great length.
For Wanted85 and others:
Ingredients:
Reishi Mushroom(Ganoderma lucidum or Ganoderma tsugae) A pretty red shelf mushroom that grows on dead Hemlock trees. Common throughout the U.S.(tsugae species) and China(lucidum species). Both species seem equally good for the heart, both physically and emotionally supporting heart health. Can help release trapped emotions while supporting the strength required to accept them and let go of turmoil due to it’s adaptogenic properties. Helps to overcome grief.
Chaga Mushroom(Innonotus obliquus) A black growth found on birch trees that is not actually a mushroom itself, but a tough, woody mycelium. The mycelium(living fungus) of chaga grows inside the wood of live birch trees, extracting […]
Can you tell I’m in hiding? I hope your move is going well. Breathe.
This is how it starts. I get the pressure of other people’s discarded burdens, the useless things they don’t want. Things like a child who is so loving that not wanting him makes me want to kick his mother’s ass, and father’s. Then I get the burden of useful things they do want, like organization. Yeah… just come organize everything I do if you are unhappy, and because I feel bad when I yell and put anger on people, I’ll avoid a fight, let you disempower me and hijack my experience, make it yours.
I thrive a bit under pressure, but then the nights get longer, […]
ok. long. a manic guy can do long. I got words. I got ideas. I got the kind of reactive thinking that can answer a question I haven’t read, with an answer I already have prepared, to a person who didn’t ask. I got self-evident powers of self-revealing, like revealing how fast I can talk, how many jokes I can crack, how many strangers I can entertain, and eventually estrange because no one can really stand that level of engagement for long…. too hot. too busy. when I am not manic I struggle being near it. When I am I am ready to start a […]
So after a couple of days, I still like it here. This is nice. We can all chat and laugh, and I wrote a letter to my favorite guru that it really won’t matter if he answers, but oh how I’d cherish that! There has been some rambling, joking, laughter, and even a long thread earlier that I could have sworn was just a tad racy….. ohhhhh my!
So yeah this is a good day. sooooo good because it is good, and not sad and terrible. My beloved nephew is sleeping over again, his mom is off indulging her need to not be a mom, which […]
Many of these have no names/titles
1.
And that’s the difference between one day and the next
the Sun rises and the Sun sets
and I am small
a leaf carried,
rocked back and forth on an autumn breeze
every day fading, fading to gray
in the cooling distant sunlight
Ice and rain and cold nights
leech away ’til I am rice paper thin
translucent and ephemeral
as moth-eaten lace
decayed
And from this perspective decay is natural
the gradual fading from life a process
of absolution
heavy binding minerals drawn down first
salt and metal, run through by cold
Water
that cracks stone and cement faded gray
A question for the community at large. I cycle between being in Love with Life and in Love with Death. For the moment I am focused on living the best version of life I can. As I grow, with each new coping mechanism I develop, each spiritual practice, each new facility and strength, I feel my burdens lighten, and then the next wave comes. I can accept this for now, since I can always leave……
But while I am here, I wish to benefit those around me, so as not to burden my being with the knowledge that I lived opposite to my deeper nature which […]
Yesterday I found this place, where thoughts can be expressed that are so often kept silent
it is an empty place where hollow people dwell
“hollow”, spacious to the point of echoing
empty, expectant
so i sang a song and gave a little speech
to the chorus of voices all lined up at the shore
a faceless sea of voyagers paying their’ fares
tearing their flesh and flaying the souls within
all to buy a ticket
all to buy a ticket
I am new to the suicide project and looking for hope in life, since I haven’t yet killed myself. I figure I may as well look for joy in the moment, maybe find a way to let go of the self-recrimination and devaluation that has made life so unbearable. Ironically, this renewed effort comes on the heels of another poisoning that clearly was done with too much ambivalence and second guessing, the result being terrifying hallucinations and an eviction, rather than the death I hoped and feared it would end in. I was researching methods of suicide to “up my game”, as it were, so […]