nothing will ever be good enough for you. im tired, but you dont see that, im depressed, but you dont ever ask me how im doing. im dying inside, but you cant see that. all i want to do is die, but even i did go through with it youd still find something wrong with me. i try every day to make you happy, but itll never happen.
hello everyone, my name is hannah and i am fucking lonely. and id like to tell everyone a little story of how i was reminded by everyone today! i currently reside with my parents, my sister, her husband and their kids. and then theres me and my son. well today at dinner everyone suddenly wanted to go on a date tomorrow. well i guess you can imagine how that went. i just decided to just excuse myself since i will not be going on any dates tomorrow. one of them decided to emphasize this by looking at me and saying, “youre going to be all […]
even when im hysterically laughing, i can feel the pain, the sadness that’s hidden deep inside of me. ill never be able to get rid of this depression, even when im finally happy. now its time to come to terms with it.
i have no where else to say this. a few days ago i called my dad out on making racist comments/jokes. he was not happy at all. my son is half black so it is unacceptable to me. i don’t care if it’s jokes to him it’s simply not what i want my son to grow up hearing. so anyways it’s been a few days later and we have not spoken. which i am okay with. he doesn’t realize his toxic behaviors towards me. it sucks i live hear and under certain circumstances i am stuck here. i am stuck forever or at least for […]
i need help
ive always said that ive got my depression under control. that ill never act on my suicidal thoughts. but sometimes i cant help to think about the moment i cant take it anymore and take my life on an impulse decision. not thinking about it, not preparing for it, not leaving letters. what if one day it just happens. ill have no control over my body and what i do.
I finally found something im passionate about, something that keeps me sane, keeps the bad thought away. i found something in gardening that put me at peace. gave me the motivation to wake up and look forward to something. some may not understand this, but it is my therapy. and today my father said, “you tell us every time theres a new leaf, every little thing.” and to me that was a real big slap in the face with a “we dont care, shut up.” I dont understand why cant anyone just be happy for me. all day i sit there and i listen to […]
when it comes back around i have to force myself to get up to take my kid to school. “another five minutes” but not because im tired and dont want to get up, but because my body is physically tired. i just want to lay there forever and not do a single thing. I have to force myself to eat little by little. no matter how hungry my tummy is telling me i am, i feel like throwing up at the thought of eating. today i was driving and jamming out to music when the tears, the uncontrollable tears ran down my face. why? i […]
i thought i was okay. i was doing good. i was doing a simple task when i felt a tear rolling down my face and i just broke down. i am not okay. i fooled myself into thinking i was fine.
i’m losing everyone i had. even my own son. and it’s all my fault. i can’t even be the mother my son needs. with his father out of the picture i’m all he’s got. all he’s got for a damn mother who changes her mood every hour. who one second will love him to death and another second will want to be left alone. i yell and i am so sorry. i can’t control it and i grew up being used to being yelled at. i try so hard to be what my parents weren’t. loving. yet i feel myself falling onto the patterns of […]
I’ve finally found love in myself, and now I can’t find love.
I found someone who I like and that likes me back. but the catch? I keep overthinking it. constantly worrying about if he will lose feelings or will find someone better. because lets be real there is always going to be better. there’s going to be someone who doesn’t have the flaws that I do. this is the exact reason I have avoided relationships for the past four years. I ruin before the relationship is already ruined. I can’t help to think that person is just going to fuck me over.
how were you guys diagnosed? all the signs are there. my parents don’t give a fuck they just think im crazy. I also don’t wanna take crazy amounts of pills. I thought i could handle it all by myself, but im going fucking insane.
absolutely nothing is wrong yet i am in a dark place? no one around me would ever understand. no matter how hard i try i can’t not be sad or down. the darkness is a bubble around me. i see everyone happy, the sun out and what not but then around me it’s just dark and sad and lonely. i hate feeling like this. like i am trapped in this bubble even if i try and get out of it.
this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was […]
how selfish would it really be to take my life? i mean in all honesty i’d be dead. yeah thinking about how “hurt” my family would be sucks but if i’m not here to see it i guess it wouldn’t really matter. lately i’ve seen how much my parents don’t love me. at least they don’t show it. they constantly try to degrade me. making me feel worthless. school has also been really fucking stressful. life all together. i think it’s better if i just wasn’t breathing any more.
i feel like the time is coming soon.
i can’t remember the last time i was truly happy
i want to save my child from a shitty life and just end it. i already know i’m shitty mom as i am bipolar as fuck and i can’t control being angry. i feel selfish as fuck leaving him in this cruel world but i just can’t do this anymore.
not gonna lie i just wanna end my life
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